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Folks,,,
I tried to wait as long as I could so that the Transfer Portal dust could settle and we’d have a clearer picture of the Elite College Football Names landscape, and now, here in mid-July, it’s officially time to start talking about the most important thing: what are the best of the best monikers that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football schedule has to offer for the upcoming season?
Last season, we identified some absolute bangers like California’s Champion Johnson and Trond Grizzell, North Carolina’s Diego Pounds, British Brooks, and Storm Duck, UNLV’s Tiger Shanks and Will Bonkavitch, and BYU’s Chaz Ah You and Cash Peterman (among literally dozens of other classics).
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For the upcoming 2023 slate of opponents, we are VERY fortunate to look forward to a similar gauntlet of just absolutely stellar, fun, funny, and interesting opponent names. To give you a glimpse backstage into my creative process here, the way I conducted this research consisted of exactly what you’d expect: I pulled up each 2023 ND opponent’s football roster on their official website, one-by-one, and read through each name on each roster, one-by-one, writing down all the names I found fun/funny/interesting/unique.
With ~85 scholarship guys and another couple dozen walk-ons populating each roster, that exercise, as you can imagine, led to me writing down a whopping total of 543 names.
From there, I went position group by position group, highlighting any names I especially liked (233 names) and then going through again and choosing the ones I felt were “elite “ (126 names).
From there, I went position-by-position again and made selections for a 1st Team, 2nd Team, 3rd Team, and Honorable Mention Team, selecting a grand total of 112 names that were SO good, I NEEDED to officially recognize them below.
But before we get to that, I want to give a shout-out to the 431 names who didn’t make the cut, but included some absolute classics who still deserve some accolades. So, before we get to the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and Honorable Mention teams, let’s dive into some very specific names and very specific reasons for liking them with some Superlative awards...
***
Senior (and also Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Grad Student) Superlatives for Excellence in Names!!!
Please note: some of the names that made one of the All-Name teams were so good or fit a specific superlative so well that I included them in this section too — think of those as a nice little spoiler/hint as to what’s to come when we get to the elite of the elite.
Okay, let’s do this!
Guys With Awesome Nicknames Listed on the Roster, But With Their Real, Normal Names Listed Too So I’m Not Including Them in Any Official Teams
- Robert “Poogie” Kennedy, Nickelback, NC State
- Brenton “Inky” Jones, S, Ohio State
Celebrity-Ish Names
- Michael Jackson III, WR, USC
- David Lynch, QB, Pitt
- Allan Houston, WR, Louisville
- Will Smith Jr., DL, Ohio State
- Caleb Williams, RB, Pitt (I didn’t know he transferred again...and switched positions!)
- Jaylin Smith, DB, USC (we know this is an impostor because our Jaylon would NEVER)
- Isaiah Crowell, DB, NC State
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Most Likely to Be a CTU Agent Tasked With Stopping Terrorists from Taking Over The World Over a One-Day (24-hour) Span Wherein He Never Eats, Sleeps, or Uses a Toilet
- Jase Bauer, QB, Central Michigan
The Frier’s Son — You Know, Gilbert
- Gilbert Frierson, DB/LB, Louisville
When Someone Asks You Who That Kid Is and How He’s Related to Clark
- Pierce Clarkson, QB, Louisville
When Someone Asks You Who That Kid Is and How He’s Related to Cole
- Coleson Fields, WR, NC State
Most Likely to Lay Down an AL Pennant-Winning Bunt-Single Despite Being a Washed-Up Catcher with Bad Knees on a Team Whose Owner Wanted to Move the Team Originally
- Jake Taylor, TE, Duke
Most Likely to Discover a Circular Series of Reactions in Mitochondria to Metabolize AcCoA to Two Molecules of CO2 with Resultant Generation of One Molecule of GTP, Three Molecules of NADH, and One Molecule of FADH2*
- Kyle Krebs, DB, Central Michigan
*you bet your ASS I just made a Krebs Cycle joke as a 32-year-old Notre Dame sports blogger...deal with it
Let’s Get Pious!!!
- Jacob Monk, OL, Duke
- Christian Brown, RB, Central Michigan
- Prophet Brown, DB, USC
- Christian Pierce, DB, USC
- K’Vaughan Pope, LB, Tennessee State
- Christian Forbes, OL, Wake Forest
- Bishop Bitzgerald, S, NC State
- Decorion Temple, TE, Central Michigan
- Quran Boyd, WR, Duke
- Banks Pope, TE, Clemson
- Jaxson Godbey*, WR, NC State
*this one especially sounds like a youth minister bit you would see on Twitter, i.e. “Ladies and gentlemen, I know you’re all worried about who’s your bae...but I think more people should be looking for their Godbey...”
Most Likely Opponent to Become President of the Free World
- Michael Whitehouse, OT, Navy
Most Inaccurate* Name About a Former President’s Facial Hair
- Monroe Beard III, LB, Tennessee State
*NOTE: based on a 4-second Google Image search that returned 0 portraits of James Monroe sporting a beard
Most Likely to Be Part of Some Viral Marketing for a Mattel Movie Premiering on the Same Day as a Movie About the Atomic Bomb
- Liam Barbee, LB, Navy
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The Situation Where She Will Take A Mile from Bruno, Because...
- Bruno Guberinich, OL, Central Michigan
*NOTE: I’m making a “give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a mile” joke here — I felt the need to clarify this one because it is a STRETCH
LOL
- Jermayne Lole, DL, Louisville
Most Likely to Remind Me of Our Favorite Dad from the 1970s Who Loves Threatening to Stick a Foot Up Topher Grace’s Ass
- Red Hibbler, DL, NC State
Judges Whose Television Court Dramas I Would Watch
- Wise Segars Jr., RB, Clemson
- Justice Ellison, RB, Wake Forest
Bodies of Water and/or Geographic Features
- River Hanson, S, Duke
- Lake McRee, TE, USC
- Will Harbour, LB, Navy
- Banks Pope, TE, Clemson
- Jacarrius Peak, OL, NC State
Most Amphibious Opponent of 2023
- Michael Frogge, TE, Wake Forest
Cartoon-Hero-Ass Names
- Storm Duck, DB, Louisville
- Popeye Williams, DL, Louisville
- Abraham Alabi, DL, Tennessee State (sounds like a super hero’s very-not-obvious secret identity)
Game of Thrones-Ass Names
- Chancellor Lorick, CB, Tennessee State
- Theo Bravos, LB, USC
- Anson Pulsipher, LB, Stanford
- Shyheim Battle, CB, NC State*
*NC State had a Nyheim and now they have a Shyheim...what’s Dave Doeren up to over there???
What You and Your Buddies Nicknamed Your Friend Taylor Who Really Loves Going to Branson, MO
- Branson Taylor, OL, Pittsburgh
These Feel Like Potential Persons of Interest in Organized-Crime-Related Investigations (I Can Make This Generalization About Italian Names Because I’m 1⁄4 Sicilian)
- Santino Marucci, QB, Wake Forest
- Kenzo Viteri, FB, Navy
- Johnny Wise, LB, Navy
Speaking of Organized Crime...Let’s Talk RICO, Folks
- Rico Jackson, OL, NC State
Machine Gun Kelly’s More Topical Younger Brother Plus Four Other Guys I’d Go Off to Battle With Any Day
- AK Kelly, WR, Wake Forest
- Shield Taylor, TE, Stanford
- Karate Brenson, WR, Tennessee State
- Robert Gunn III, K, Clemson
- Makhete Gueye, OL, Louisville (basically his name is Machete)
Guy Who, When Going Up Against Javontae Jean-Baptiste, Will Give Us the Most French Matchup in the Entire Country
- Sebastien Pierre, OL, Wake Forest
Most Likely to Represent What Billy in School of Rock Thinks of Mr. Schneebly
- William Tackie Jr., DB, Wake Forest*
*NOTE: he’s also one letter away from being an incredible name for a defensive player, i.e. “Will Tackle”
Most Likely to Score an NIL Deal Promoting Some Lotion
- Michael Jurgens, OL, Wake - lotion joke
What They Called My Grandma When She Would Hang Out at the Devon Country Club Pool
- Devon Betty, LB, NC State
Most Likely to Give You A Ride
- Uber Ajongo, OL, Wake Forest
How You’d Finish the Joke “More Like ________” When You See Someone Named Tayte Vandermost
- Tayte Vanderleest, DB, Central Michigan
A Snippet of Roll Call in Class if Hitler Had Gotten Into Art School Along With His Buddy David
- David Adolph, WR, Ohio State
Excellent Alliterations
- Payton Pyle, OL, Central Michigan
- Peyton Pitts, OL, Clemson
- Abraham Alabi, DL, Tennessee State
- Aiden Arias, LS, NC State
- Bam Brima, DL, Pittsburgh
- Breyden Byrd, DE, Navy
- Cade Casto, DL, Ohio State
- Caelen Carson, DB, Wake Forest
- Caleb Carlson, K, Wake Forest
- Clay Cromwell, DT, Navy
- Cody Cater, DB, Wake Forest
- Fabian France, SB, Navy
- Jawhar Jordan, RB, Louisville
- Jeremiah Josephs, DB, Tennessee State
- Josh Junko, WR, Pittsburgh
- Kade Kostus, DL, Central Michigan
- Kyle Krebs, DB, Central Michigan
- Langston Lewis, WR, Central Michigan
- Malik Mustapha, DB, Wake Forest
- Mason Maags, QB, Ohio State
- Matt Metrosky, OL, Pittsburgh
- Miller Moss, QB, USC
- Michael Mankaka, WR, Clemson
- Obadiah “Obi” Obasuyi
- Silas Starr, WR, Stanford
- Sonny Styles, S, Ohio State
- Tawfiq Thomas, DL, Louisville
- Tevarua Tafiti, LB, Stanford
- Wade Woodaz, LB, Clemson
Most Likely to Remind Me of Paul Rudd’s Dad’s Best Friend in I Love You, Man
- Hank Lucas, OL, Wake Forest
What You’d Say if Kade Cost Us the Game
- Kade Kostus, DL, Central Michigan
Horribly Stupid Joke Incoming — Best Name to Use in Filling Out This Joke: “She _______ my _________ until I...”
- Reagan McCranie, OL, Duke*
*NOTE: I instantly regret this, but also cannot stop saying “She Reagan McCranie until I Duke” to myself right now. I am unwell and need to spend less time on Twitter.
Best Name for the Brand of a Vineyard Co-Founded by Brady Quinn and Tom Brady
- Brady Wine, Bandit, Navy
Name That Lost Most Of Its Luster When Tyler Buchner Transferred to Alabama
- Chaisen Buckner, Raider, Navy
Most Likely to Be Heir Apparent to Ben Chang’s Role as the “Haaaaaaam Girl” Guy
- Charlie Ham, K, Duke
An Amazing Name No Matter How It’s Supposed to Be Pronounced
- Irone Jackson, WR, Central Michigan
This man is either named “Iron Jackson” or “Irony Jackson” (shout-out to Walking Dead actor Iron-E Singleton, by the way), or maybe “I-rone” (rhymes with “Tyrone”)??? Just fantastic, no matter which way you slice it.
Yeah, You Cam Guess, But Maybe Try to Think of a Memorable Factor to Help You Know the Answer for Sure? Alright, Andres — Do Work.
- Cam Guess, P, Pittsburgh
- Memorable Factor, LB, Duke
- Andres Dewerk, OL, USC
Most Likely to Have Been Called a Sissy Growing Up
- Brandon Cisse, CB, NC State
Least Likely to Have Been Called a Sissy Growing Up
- Steele Chambers, LB, Ohio State
Jake’s Brining What? Okay That’s Really Gross
- Jake Briningstool, TE, Clemson
Full Sentences/Commands
- Spencer Clapp, OL, Wake Forest
- George Sell, OL, Wake Forest
Name Is Kinda Cool, But the Biggest Selling Point Is His Photo/Mullet
- Dawson Jaramillo, OL, NC State
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***
Alright y’all, as fun as that was — it’s time for the main event. Let’s dive into the BEST OF THE BEST and honor our 2023 Opponent All-Name Teams, starting with Honorable Mention and working our way to the absolutely ELITE 1st Team at the bottom.
A quick note: each team consists of the the following loose structure:
- Offense (QB, RB/FB, 3 WR, TE, 5 OL)
- Defense (4 DL, 3 LB, 5 DB, i.e. including an extra slot for a Nickel/extra DB)
- Specialists (LS, PK, P)
I also reserve the right to add more names to the Honorable Mention Team, because there were more names I wanted to recognize here than would fit into the above parameters. Sue me.
Also also, please vote for your favorite name on each squad in the polls immediately following them below — I’m tryna see which names are the absolute favorites on each team.
Okay then — let’s dive in, folks.
Honorable Mention Opponent All-Name Team
Offense
- QB: Drevonn Ponder, Navy
- RB/FB: Jakivion Calip, Central Michigan
- RB/FB: Germanuel Tanelus, Central Michigan
- RB/FB: Delbert Mimms III, NC State
- RB/FB: Daba Fofana, Navy
- WR: Kojo Antwi, Ohio State
- WR: Javorian Wimberly, Central Michigan
- WR: Hampton Earle, Clemson
- WR: Horatio Fields, Wake Forest
- WR: Tiger Bachmeier, Stanford
- TE: Creedyn Foulger, Navy
- TE: Gage Reale, Louisville
- TE: Lake McRee, USC
- OL: Trey LeRoux, Ohio State
- OL: Makhete Gueye, Louisville
- OL: Sebastien Pierre, Wake Forest
- OL: Payton Pyle, Central Michigan
- OL: Peyton Pitts, Clemson
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the Honorable Mention Offense?
This poll is closed
-
0%
Drevonn Ponder
-
11%
Jakivion Calip
-
6%
Germanuel Tanelus
-
4%
Delbert Mimms III
-
37%
Daba Fofana
-
2%
Kojo Antwi
-
2%
Javorian Wimberly
-
0%
Hampton Earle
-
4%
Horatio Fields
-
8%
Tiger Bachmeier
-
4%
Creedyn Foulger
-
2%
Gage Reale
-
4%
Lake McRee
-
6%
Trey LeRoux
-
2%
Makhete Gueye
-
0%
Sebastien Pierre
-
2%
Payton Pyle
-
0%
Peyton Pitts
Defense
- DL: Bam Brima, Pittsburgh
- DL: Aeneas Peebles, Duke
- DL: Tawfiq Thomas, Louisville
- DL: Romello Height, USC
- LB: Stanquan Clark, Louisville
- LB: Raesjon Davis, USC
- LB: Roman Marchetti, USC
- DB: Lirion Murtezi, Navy
- DB: Toriano Pride Jr., Clemson
- DB: Lavario Wiley, Central Michigan
- DB: Jamare Glasker, Wake Forest
- Bonus DB (Nickelback): Bishop Fitzgerald, NC State
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the Honorable Mention Defense?
This poll is closed
-
31%
Bam Brima
-
28%
Aeneas Peebles
-
7%
Tawfiq Thomas
-
0%
Romello Height
-
2%
Stanquan Clark
-
0%
Raesjon Davis
-
2%
Roman Marchetti
-
2%
Lirion Murtezi
-
2%
Toriano Pride Jr.
-
2%
Lavario Wiley
-
2%
Jamare Glasker
-
15%
Bishop Fitzgerald
Special Teams
- K: Hogan Morton, Clemson
- P: Kellen Grave de Peralta, Navy
- LS: Aiden Arias, NC State
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the Honorable Mention Special Teams?
This poll is closed
-
17%
Hogan Morton
-
78%
Kellen Grave de Peralta
-
4%
Aiden Arias
3rd Team Opponent All-Name Team
Offense
- QB: Demeatric Crenshaw, Tennessee State
- RB/FB: Fabian France, Navy
- WR: Joop Mitchell, Ohio State
- WR: Jamari Thrash, Louisville
- WR: Cataurus Hicks, Louisville
- TE: Decorion Temple, Central Michigan
- OL: Enokk Vimahi, Ohio State
- OL: Alistair Larson, Navy
- OL: Dawson Jaramillo, NC State
- OL: Chayse Tapp, Tennessee State
- OL: Uber Ajongo, OL, Wake Forest
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 3rd Team Offense?
This poll is closed
-
8%
Dematric Crenshaw
-
11%
Fabian France
-
11%
Joop Mitchell
-
8%
Jamari Thrash
-
2%
Cataurus Hicks
-
11%
Decorion Temple
-
8%
Enokk Vimahi
-
0%
Alistair Larson
-
2%
Dawson Jaramillo
-
0%
Chayse Tapp
-
35%
Uber Ajongo
Defense
- DL: Mecca Carr-Bordeaux, Tennessee State
- DL: Popeye Williams, Louisville
- DL: Sinjun Astani, USC
- DL: Red Hibbler, NC State
- LB: Gaethan Bernadel, Stanford
- LB: Tevarua Tafiti, Stanford
- LB: Monroe Beard III, Tennessee State
- DB: Zahran Manley, Stanford
- DB: Prophet Brown, USC
- DB: Nahree Biggins, Central Michigan
- DB: Malik Mustapha, Wake Forest
- Bonus DB (Nickelback): Tayte Vanderleest, Central Michigan
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 3rd Team Defense?
This poll is closed
-
15%
Mecca Carr-Bordeaux
-
29%
Popeye Williams
-
2%
Sinjun Astani
-
2%
Red Hibbler
-
0%
Gaethan Bernadel
-
2%
Tevarua Tafiti
-
9%
Monroe Beard III
-
0%
Zahran Manley
-
11%
Prophet Brown
-
9%
Nahree Biggins
-
6%
Malik Mustapha
-
11%
Tayte Vanderleest
Special Teams
- K: Franco Fernandez-Enjo, Pittsburgh
- P: Cam Guess, Pittsburgh
- LS: Hayden Travelstead, Louisville
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 3rd Team Special Teams?
This poll is closed
-
33%
Franco Fernandez-Enjo
-
52%
Cam Guess
-
13%
Hayden Travelstead
2nd Team Opponent All-Name Team
Offense
- QB: Gage Roy, USC
- RB/FB: Wise Segars Jr., Clemson
- WR: Irone Jackson, Central Michigan
- WR: Noble Johnson, Clemson
- WR: Konata Mumpfield, Pittsburgh
- TE: Shield Taylor, Stanford
- OL: Jacarrius Peak, NC State
- OL: Bruno Guberinich, Central Michigan
- OL: Chazan Page, Tennessee State
- OL: Tegra Tshabola, Ohio State
- OL: Gino Quinones, USC
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 2nd Team Offense?
This poll is closed
-
0%
Gage Roy
-
11%
Wise Segars Jr.
-
16%
Irone Jackson
-
13%
Noble Johnson
-
0%
Shield Taylor
-
4%
Jacarrius Peak
-
11%
Bruno Guberinich
-
2%
Chazan Page
-
11%
Tegra Tshabola
-
6%
Gino Quinones
-
20%
Konata Mumpfield
Defense
- DL: Hero Kanu, Ohio State
- DL: Ruke Orhorhoro, Clemson
- DL: Aristotle Taylor, Stanford
- DL: Kobe Pepe, USC
- LB: Bangally Kamara, Pittsburgh
- LB: Anson Pulsipher, Stanford
- LB: Riggs Faulkenberry, Clemson
- DB: Fondren Hollis III, Tennessee State
- DB: De’Javion Stepney, Central Michigan
- DB: Rushuan Tongue, Wake Forest
- DB: Tamarion Crumpley, Pittsburgh
- Bonus DB (Nickelback): Lathan Ransom, Ohio State
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 2nd Team Defense?
This poll is closed
-
20%
Hero Kanu
-
6%
Ruke Orhorhoro
-
13%
Aristotle Taylor
-
4%
Kobe Pepe
-
13%
Bangally Kamara
-
0%
Anson Pulsipher
-
13%
Riggs Faulkenberry
-
0%
Fondren Hollis III
-
0%
De’Javion Stepney
-
20%
Rushuan Tongue
-
6%
Tamarion Crumpley
-
0%
Lathan Ransom
Special Teams
- K: Kanoah Vinesett, NC State
- P: Caden Noonkester, NC State
- LS: Shai Kochav, Louisville
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 2nd Team Special Teams?
This poll is closed
-
2%
Kanoah Vinesett
-
89%
Caden Noonkester
-
8%
Shai Kochav
1st Team Opponent All-Name Team
Offense
- QB: Tedros Gleaton, Navy
- RB/FB: C’Bo Flemister, Pittsburgh
- WR: Karate Brenson, Tennessee State
- WR: Bub Means, Pittsburgh
- WR: Shatavious Hogan, Central Michigan
- TE: Juice Vereen, NC State
- OL: Zen Michalski, Ohio State
- OL: Andres Dewerk, USC
- OL: Reagan McCranie, Duke
- OL: Giuseppe Gottfried, Navy
- OL: Chapman Pendergrass, Clemson
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 1st Team Offense?
This poll is closed
-
0%
Tedros Gleaton
-
33%
C’Bo Flemister
-
22%
Karate Brenson
-
15%
Bub Means
-
0%
Shatavious Hogan
-
3%
Juice Vereen
-
1%
Zen Michalski
-
1%
Andres Dewerk
-
7%
Reagan McCranie
-
13%
Giuseppe Gottfried
-
0%
Chapman Pendergrass
Defense
- DL: Chreign LaFond, Navy
- DL: Abraham Alabi, Tennessee State
- DL: Zephron Lester, Stanford
- DL: Jaxson Moi, Stanford
- LB: Steele Chambers, Ohio State
- LB: Memorable Factor, Duke
- LB: Johnny Wise, Navy
- DB: Storm Duck, Louisville
- DB: Chancellor Lorick, Tennessee State
- DB: Boogie Trotter, Tennessee State
- DB: L Simpson, USC
- Bonus DB (Nickelback): Placide Djungu-Sungu, Duke
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 1st Team Defense?
This poll is closed
-
0%
Chreign LaFond
-
0%
Abraham Alabi
-
0%
Zephron Lester
-
0%
Jaxson Moi
-
9%
Steele Chambers
-
28%
Memorable Factor
-
0%
Johnny Wise
-
33%
Storm Duck
-
3%
Chancellor Lorick
-
20%
Boogie Trotter
-
0%
L Simpson
-
3%
Placide Djungu-Sungu
Special Teams
- K: Charlie Ham, Duke
- P: Aadyn Sleep-Dalton, USC
- LS: Jac Casasante, USC
Poll
What’s Your Favorite Name from the 1st Team Special Teams?
This poll is closed
-
35%
Charlie Ham
-
47%
Aadyn Sleep-Dalton
-
16%
Jac Casasante
***
Alright y’all — this has been our annual off-season deep dive into opponent names — hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Please sound off in the comments with your favorite names and your favorite riffs on said names, and of course we will revisit these guys team-by-team throughout the season, so be excited for that!
Peace, love, great college football names — see you guys next week.
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