Notre Dame Football: Power-Ranking Opposing Coaches on the 2023 Schedule

Folks,,, we’ve reached the point of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football off-season where it’s not quite close enough to the start of the upcoming season to put together any “All-Name Team” or “Most Punnable Players” articles (because Transfer Portal), but it IS just about the right time to start wildly and arbitrarily ranking the coaches of 2023 ND opponents. It was right around this time last year when I did a deep dive into our Getty Images archives to determine which opposing head coaches provide the best content in terms of funny photos, in fact.

This year, I’m going to do something a bit more straightforward and way more subjective (somehow) — I’m simply going to power-rank the opposing head coaches on the 2023 schedule by how much I like them. There’s nothing more to it, and I refuse to judge each of them against the same criteria, let alone the same objective criteria. This is a gut-feel thing, and thus I reserve the right to barely explain each choice. Consider yourselves warned.

I encourage you all to chime in in the comments after reading, too, as I imagine you will have some very different opinions to get off your chest and I welcome all of the stupidest and pettiest reasons for those opinions — those are the exact kind of reasons, in fact, that would sway my opinions of these men between now and the season.

So, let’s dive into it — but first, let’s set the stage with a little poll:

Okay cool — now, my personal rankings of these bad boys by how much I like them, starting with the one I enjoy the least...

12. Lincoln Riley, USC Trojans

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Do I blame him for the choice he made to go get a ton of money to coach NOT in the SEC, at least from a rationality standpoint? Absolutely not — seems like a good fit for him.

But is he the coach of ND’s biggest rival, automatically putting him near the top of this list (and the bottom of a list in numerical order)? Absolutely.

Then, when you add in what he did to my work friend Walter (Walter is a big OU fan, so losing Riley/Caleb Williams was devastating for him), that he’s built his new program using the get-rich-quick scheme of bringing in 1000 transfers and tampering with his 5-star guys from Oklahoma, and also that, you know, he’s the head coach of USC (adding it again for emphasis)? Welp, he’s last place in my book.

Enjoy losing to Utah twice a year, ya bum.

11. Ryan Day, Ohio State Buckeyes

Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK

If you were to ask me which person I’d rather hang out with for an hour between Ryan Day and Dabo Swinney, I’d probably pick Day — just because he’s less likely to lecture me or be a major weirdo like Swinney.

But that’s exactly, then, why I like Day less and rank him below such an unlikable guy like Dabo.

Ryan Day seems boring as hell, and although he’s managed to keep the recruiting machine going in Columbus and his team ALMOST took down Georgia in the CFP, I still don’t think he’s a very good coach, despite the surface-level look of his 45-6 record at OSU. Urban Meyer, for all his sleazy, slimy faults, built a ridiculously strong Buckeyes program in his time there, and I do believe Day is riding his coattails a bit still, as shown by his newly found inability to beat Jim Harbaugh at the end of the season (or even come close to beating him).

With no CJ Stroud, I’m very cautiously optimistic that the Irish will have a chance to hand Day his 7th loss when they visit South Bend in September. That would be fun to see, if just to see Day’s weird, pained face he makes while it happens.

10. Dabo Swinney, Clemson Tigers

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To be clear, I do not like Dabo Swinney. He seems very anti-player, way too preachy and good-ole-boy for my liking, and teetering on the edge of “he’s phony” and “I think he might just actually be a really strange guy, this is genuine.”

HOWEVER, he cracks the Top 10 here for two reasons, despite how much I generally root for his downfall:

1. He gives us some incredible content with all his dumb quotes, hilarious images (ranking #2 behind only Mack Brown in my Getty Images rankings is no small feat), and just a fun villain to cheer against.
2. He’s actually a good coach and has proven worlds more in his time at the helm of Clemson than someone like Day has done following Meyer at OSU. 161-39 with 2 national titles, 2 title game runners-up finishes, numerous NY6 bowl appearances and victories. Clemson’s record in the 9 full years prior to Swinney taking over mid-year in 2008? 72-45 with just 1 NY6-level bowl win, a Peach Bowl victory before the Peach Bowl was elevated a bit to being an elite-level game.

I won’t drone on anymore about this dingus and his success at Clemson, but for how much I don’t like him, he’s a CHARACTER and is really good at his job, so that makes me like him more than Ryan “Same Face For All Situations” Day.

9. Mike Elko, Duke Blue Devils

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It’s no secret we don’t like Mike Elko much around these parts, considering his swift exit from Notre Dame in pursuit of more money in a lateral/downward move to work for Jimbo Fisher at Texas A&M, a perpetually mediocre program.

With that said, he DID get the Irish program turned completely around in one season when it came to defense (do y’all REMEMBER what the 2016 team looked like and then how different 2017 was???), and he now coaches at a much more reputable university and program as head coach of Duke, so that’s commendable (for football...being their basketball coach is a different story).

So, Mikey E. gets to sneak into the Top 9 here. Congrats to the guy who used to report to someone named “Jimbo”!!!

8. Dave Doeren, NC State Wolfpack

Photo by Lance King/Getty Images

Dave Doeren is boring to me, plain and simple.

He seems like an okay coach — NC State is typically okay-to-decent under him (and it’s not the easiest program to turn into a winner, in my opinion), occasionally hyped-up mid-season as an ACC title dark horse only to blow it somewhere along the line.

But for the most part, hearing Dave Doeren’s name inspires basically nothing except “he’s still there?” from me. So he gets 8th place, take it or leave it man.

7. Brian Newberry, Navy Midshipmen

Photo by Mark Goldman/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

I’m going to be completely honest, I had to look this man’s name up when I remembered that Ken Niumatalolo — an elite coaching name by the way — was no longer the head honcho in Annapolis.

And when I say I had to look his name up, I don’t mean that his name was on the tip of my tongue and when I looked it up I had one of those “oh yeeeeeah” realization moments. I instead said to myself “I don’t remember ever reading that name before in my life.”

So, he gets to be 7th in the list — he looks likable enough, I guess (grows a good beard), and has taken on one of the toughest coaching jobs in America. But I know nothing about him and feel no compulsion to do so, at least not in June.

Alright, y’all. Let’s take a quick break with another poll:

Sweet, now back to the middle of my rankings.

6. Troy Taylor, Stanford Cardinal

Darren Yamashita-USA TODAY Sports

Troy Taylor is eerily similar to Newberry above, except I did sort of remember his name and I appreciate the alliteration of his name, so I’ll choose this unknown entity for my #6 spot.

He appears to be a good up-and-coming coach on the west coast and I actually hope he gets Stanford just a tad more competitive in the near future — not competitive enough to steal academic-minded top recruits from ND, but competitive enough to occasionally be considered a good win for the Irish if they’re gonna keep playing them.

So, here’s to TT — my middle-of-the-list man.

5. Jim McElwain, Central Michigan Chippewas

Ivan Pierre Aguirre-USA TODAY Sports

I forgot this man EXISTED, let alone that he might still be coaching an FBS program.

I don’t remember a ton about him from his time at Florida, etc., but what I do remember is everyone on Twitter thinking this picture was of McElwain, nude and lying on top of a shark on a boat out on the water:

I can neither confirm nor deny that that is Jim McElwain, but what I CAN say is that his resemblance to that nude shark-humping man will give us plenty to make jokes about come the week leading up to 9/16, and for that he has secured a spot in my Top 5.

4. Jeff Brohm, Louisville Cardinals

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As a guy with lots of Purdue fan friends, I have an obligation to wish ill on Brohm in his tenure with the Cardinals after he abandoned West Lafayette for Louisville this past off-season.

However, with that said, Jeff Brohm was the star of an absolutely legendary post-game interview from his XFL days, and for that alone he’s going to land himself at #4 in the list. Also shout-out to the fan shown at the VERY end of this video, looks like an absolute LEGEND with that outfit.

Let’s play football.

3. Eddie George, Tennessee State

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I honestly wasn’t ever a HUGE fan of Eddie George in his NFL playing days, mostly because I grew up in Indianapolis and thus was a Colts fan and thus didn’t ever want the Titans doing anything good once they were placed in the same division as Peyton and the fellas.

However, Eddie George* was a very good running back, is coaching at an HBCU which is cool to see, and just thinking of him makes me nostalgic for that Super Bowl run that he, Steve McNair, and the Titans had back in 1999-2000, which included the Frank Wycheck-to-Kevin Dyson Music City Miracle against the Bills (sorry to all my Buffalo friends) and, of course, “The Tackle” at the end of the Super Bowl against that ridiculous Rams team that had Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and Marshall Faulk.

*Pat Rick Note: I have now typed “Eddie Georgie” like 10 times when trying to type this man’s name, I don’t know what my subconscious is telling me but it needs to stop.

ABSOLUTE CLASSICS, Y’ALL.

2. Dave Clawson, Wake Forest Demon Deacons

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Eddie George is still an OSU grad, so I didn’t want to put him in my Top 2. Instead, I went with one of the most likable opposing coaches on this year’s schedule, Wake Forest’s Dave Clawson.

Clawson has been pretty darn good, at least relatively speaking, at Wake Forest in his tenure as head coach. Yes, he’s just 59-53, but Wake Forest is NOT a program where you can easily recruit top talent and build a powerhouse, and so the fact he’s managed four 8+ win seasons and 5 bowl wins (including a Gator Bowl to cap his 11-3 season in 2021) since taking over in 2016 makes me think pretty highly of him as someone who’s resourceful and smart enough to do way more with way less.

He also has been VERY generous to ND over the years, giving Irish fans the likes of Mike Elko, Clark Lea, and now Sam Hartman in order to improve the Irish program. Wake Forest as a farm system for ND coaches and players is something I’d love to see more of in the near and long-term future as long as Clawson is there leading the program, developing overlooked recruits and launching careers of future Irish defensive coordinators.

Okay friends, before I reveal my favorite opposing coach on the 2023 schedule (and hopefully you aren’t seething yet if you’ve figured out who it is via the process of elimination), let’s finish with one final poll:

Okay cool, now let’s finish this off with a bang.

1. Pat Narduzzi, Pittsburgh Panthers

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I want to start by apologizing, I’m sure you’re confused and angry and feel betrayed that I would put such a mediocre tool and whiny complainer of a coach of a middling program as my #1 favorite opponent head coach.

HOWEVER, Narduzzi has truly morphed for me from just being an annoying, pitiful, jealous, unaccomplished head coach of the Pittsburgh Panthers to being an annoying, pitiful, jealous, unaccomplished head coach of the Pittsburgh Panthers whom I get an absolute KICK out of each season.

He always has something to complain about to the media — oftentimes directed squarely at Notre Dame for some reason, which is really funny considering the Irish are to him and Pitt what Jon Hamm is to Ben Feldman in that Mad Men meme I love despite never having actually watched the show.

I just think Narduzzi is so reliably funny and such a ridiculous caricature of a head coach — from his tampering claims to him getting rid of the only good offensive coordinator they’ve had in years because they threw the ball too much (with Kenny Pickett at QB, mind you!) to just him LOOKING so funny and confused and incompetent on the sidelines and in press conferences. He’s the kind of personality that makes college football so wild and weird and unique, and I love the idea of him being on the ND schedule as often as possible. Because of all that, and because he’s so entertaining, he has earned my #1 spot.

Alrighty folks, that’s my list. I HIGHLY encourage you to let me know in the comments what your personal rankings are, what you disagree with me on, and whatever else you wanna spout off about below. God bless, and may the Narduzzi jokes be plentiful for all of us from now through October 28th!