Notre Dame Football: Bye Week Q&A with Pat Rick, Local Idiot

Folks,,,

It’s wild to think we’ve reached the Bye Week Sittin’ At Home Eating Cheeseburgers Week already for this 2022 Notre Dame Fighting Irish football season, but considering Marcus Freeman’s squad has already navigated their way through 4 games and this season’s Bye somehow comes before we’re more than a day into October, here we absolutely are.

And honestly, after those first four games, I think we all could use a nice little pit stop to collect ourselves and prepare for the next eight weeks. I mean, honestly, Irish fans, how ‘bout that September ride in?

So, I think we all deserve to take a break from worrying about the offense’s ability to move the ball or whether the linebackers can continue to hold up against good opponent offenses or whether Jon Sot is the best punter in Notre Dame history or perhaps in all of football history.

Instead, let’s have some fun this week, especially after the Irish treated us to the most dominant 13-point win I’ve seen in a long time last weekend, pulling Marcus Freeman’s season record back to .500 and giving Irish fans a renewed hope that the season isn’t completely lost with Clemson, USC, BYU, and Syracuse still on the schedule ahead.

So, to let our hair down and enjoy ourselves a bit this week, we decided to open up the weekly Q&A to be comprised entirely of your fan-submitted questions on Twitter and Facebook, and managed to secure the VERY valuable free time of local simpleton Pat Rick in order to answer all those questions, no matter how irrelevant or inappropriate or just weird.

Pat Rick, in his typical verbose style, refused to keep this under 7,000 words, so we recommend you buckle up, settle in, and hold onto your butts. It’s Bye Week Q&A time, baybee!!!!!

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Let’s ease into the Q&A here with something normal and comfortable, as we’ve got a lot of questions to answer...

Perfect, just the question I was hoping to receive and also start out with! There’s nothing more fun than thinking about failed Notre Dame head coaches and whether I’d rather have sex with, marry, or kill each one. This is like the smelling salts of questions. I’m awake now.

Let’s start with the obvious answer: I would “M” Chuck Weis. Yeah, he’d be kind of a prick to be married to at times, but I don’t think he’s completely a bad dude, he loves Notre Dame, and his money would become my money, which is incredibly exciting considering how he managed to fleece our University. I could find happiness — or at least very enjoyable comfort — married to Charlie, for sure.

Next, let’s move to whom I would “F.” Tyrone Willingham and what he did at the helm of the Irish program (and then at the helm of the Washington program immediately after) was such a train wreck, and he spends so much of his time golfing and not doing the job he’s supposed to, that I simply cannot imagine he’s great in bed or would be particularly fun to do the deed with. Although an interest in good “fore”-play may seem natural for a guy who loves the links so much (AYYYYYYYY), I actually have a hunch he’d be all business, largely skipping anything to put us in the mood and going straight to a very short duration of time where he tries to be in charge, but mostly bungles it and doesn’t really put in the effort to be successful. After 3 minutes, I think I’d be done with him and force him out.

Photo by David Madison/Getty Images

So, that makes George O’Leary my choice for whom to “F.” Although I don’t know he’d be a top choice for me in that regard if I had more options, I do think he seemed like a competent and decent dude — who hasn’t fudged their resume a bit from time to time? — who just got caught in a dumb lie and lost his dream job. I still believe he could have been pretty solid as the ND head coach, and because all of that happened, I think George would have plenty to prove and have a bit of a chip on his shoulder, and that would pay off in the bedroom.

Thus, for the “K” option, I will have to go with good ole Ty. Yeah, of course I would never want to murder a football coach over a bad coaching job, but of these three guys he’d definitely be the one I’d struggle least with getting it done, even if the choice to follow through with the “K” option would haunt me forever. He just stunk and didn’t seem to really care while doing so. Luckily, I’m sure I could plan the murder to take place on or near a golf course, where there should be plenty of earth/sand/trees available to hide the body.*

*Side note: I’ve discussed this with lots of my friends and think it’s a really fun thought exercise, so I’m going to pose the question here...how many people in your life, if they came to you asking you to help them bury/hide/get rid of a body with no questions asked, would you provide that help for?

Please take the poll below, I’m super intrigued to know what you all say here.

Another fun thought exercise is to think about who in your life YOU would turn to if you needed help hiding the victim of your “K” maneuver. Or, to tie this back to ND football, if you could choose one current or former ND player/coach to help you hide a body, whom would you choose???

I think I’d go with “Big Game Bob” Diaco.

Photo by Williams Paul/Icon Sportswire/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Okay, let’s get back on track here. What other questions were sent in for this week?

I think there are two ways to approach this, as we can look at the plot of National Treasure and literally assign the handful of roles that existed in that movie for them to steal the Declaration of Independence, or we can instead treat this as a typical heist movie scenario, similar to an Ocean’s Eleven or Logan Lucky kind of deal, and assign roles that way, as it might give us the ability to include more guys.

Let’s start with the National Treasure model.

Here’s the main cast of characters for the movie, and who I think each would map to on this defense:

• Benjamin Franklin Gates (Nicholas Cage): an American treasure hunter and cryptographer —> I think this is Isaiah Foskey, because he’s a leader (captain of the team) and is one of the ND defensive guys most likely to hunt and procure “treasure,” AKA a turnover. Dude has forced a number of fumbles in his day
• Young Benjamin Gates (Hunter Gomez): a young version of the American treasure hunter and cryptographer —> a younger version of Isaiah Foskey? Sounds like Rylie Mills, a full year younger and a surging defensive end in his own right
• Dr. Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger): an archivist at the National Archives who aids Benjamin Gates in treasure hunting —> Bo Bauer, no doubt (similar hair)
• Riley Poole (Justin Bartha — another The Hangover connection!!!): a sardonic computer expert and friend of Benjamin Gates —> this nerdy role has Jack Kiser’s name written all over it

Photo by Eric Charbonneau/Wireimage

• Ian Howe (Sean Bean): an entrepreneur, crime boss and treasure hunter who is a former friend of Benjamin Gates —> TaRiq Bracy, because he was a formerly promising player who then fell off in performance and PT, only to come back out of the woodwork this year and make things happen and wreak plenty of havoc (this time for the opposing team, as opposed to Bean’s character, who wrought havoc on the movie’s protagonists)
• Patrick Henry Gates (Jon Voight): a former treasure hunter and the father of Benjamin Gates —> a more senior version of DL Isaiah Foskey? Let’s go with Justin Ademilola here
• Agent Peter Sadusky (Harvey Keitel): an FBI Special Agent in charge of the theft of the Declaration of Independence —> let’s go with Brandon Joseph, because as a leader on the back-end of the defense, he prevents offenses from stealing cheap touchdowns with bombs over the top
• John Adams Gates (Christopher Plummer): the father of Patrick Gates and the grandfather of Benjamin Gates —> not sure he’s older than his twin, but he has more playing experience for sure, so I’ll pick Jayson Ademilola here
• Shaw (David Dayan Fisher), Powell (Stewart Finlay-McLennan), Viktor Shippen (Oleg Taktarov), and Phil McGregor (Stephen Pope): Ian Howe’s 4 henchmen —> If Bracy is Howe, then his henchmen need to be a mix of fellow DBs and some DL for muscle. Give me Jacob Lacey, Howard Cross, Cam Hart, and Jaden Mickey here
• Agent Dawes (Annie Parisse), Agent Ted Johnson (Mark Pellegrino), Agent Hendricks (Armando Riesco), Agent Colfax (Erik King): FBI agents —> J.D. Bertrand, Marist Liufau, Benjamin Morrison, and Clarence Lewis
• Thomas Gates (Jason Earles): Benjamin’s great-great-grandfather —> this is Al Golden

Okay, now let’s simply look at the defensive players from a generic heist role standpoint. Here’s how I’d break it down, using the Ocean’s Eleven crew as a general template:

• Isaiah Foskey is the ringleader and the mastermind behind it all — Danny Ocean
• Brandon Joseph is Foskey’s partner-in-crime in terms of ability to pull off heists (of the football), AKA Rusty Ryan
• Benjamin Morrison is the young pickpocket, Linus Caldwell
• J.D. Bertrand is the tech/electronics expert, Livingston Dell
• Marist Liufau is the expert on explosives, Basher Tarr
• Bo Bauer and Jack Kiser are the brother mechanics, Turk and Virgil Malloy
• Jaden Mickey is the discredited croupier and con man, Frank Catton
• Jayson Ademilola is the former casino owner and Isaiah’s wealthy friend, Reuben Tishkoff
• Rylie Mills is the skilled acrobat, “The Amazing” Yen (because that would be hilarious to see that large adult son doing flips/stunts)
• TaRiq Bracy is the elderly con man, Saul Bloom
• Justin Ademilola is Terry Benedict, because he’s Reuben’s/Jayson’s “rival” as his twin brother
• Cam Hart is Tess Ocean, because I want to include him and ran out of roles in the heist crew

Okay, let’s keep this thing moving guys.

Excuse me? No matter what I truly believed with my brain on this question, there’s no way I’m going to come up with any answer here except that, yes, the Irish CAN #BeatSC. C’mon, David.

I actually don’t think there’s that much mental gymnastics involved here. We’ve already seen this Notre Dame team go toe-to-toe with Ohio State, and I would argue OSU’s offense is slightly better than USC’s and their defense is miles better, so we know the Irish can stay with a top-tier opponent with tons of offensive firepower and a future NFL QB and receivers.

USC’s linemen and defense won’t have the same collection of talent that OSU’s did, nor do I think Alex Grinch is as good of a defensive coordinator as Jim Knowles. You could maybe argue that USC will have a full season of film on ND to prepare better than OSU could, or that no Tyler Buchner takes away the running threat at QB, or that USC will have had a full season to get its shit figured out (although, so will have ND), but I don’t think any of those are very convincing arguments.

Basically, I think the ND defense is perfectly capable of limiting Caleb Williams, Jordan Addison, etc., and thus it’s really going to be on the offense to do a better job than scoring 10 points. If they can run the ball like they did against UNC, all bets are off in this match-up that could have CFP implications (not for the Irish, but ND could certainly spoil a USC bid).

BEAT SC.

Okay, okay, love the actual football-related question. Can we get two in a row?

I guess not!

Shout out to T-But, though, as he consistently submits one very thoughtful and funny question to our Q&As each week, and so I would be more than happy to help him schedule his weekend with my brother’s dog, Billiken.

First, I’ll answer that last question — yes, absolutely get him hooked on carrots. I want you to basically only feed him carrots for two days and condition him to love them so much that my brother will be forced to make weekly purchases of copious carrot quantities going forward. Like, let’s make him have to do an Amazon Subscribe & Save for weekly delivery of carrots. Would be a great bit.

Photo by Frank Rumpenhorst/picture alliance via Getty Images

Okay, besides that, here are my recommendations for what you and Billiken should do on your lovely weekend together, gallivanting about Indianapolis wistfully in a montage of fun set to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys:

• Take Billiken on one of those paddle boats shaped like a swan on the canal downtown
• Find a local carnival or festival so you can take Billiken on the Ferris wheel, share an elephant ear or cotton candy, win him a stuffed animal at the ring toss booth, and have multiple montage shots of you both walking around the event laughing uproariously
• Maybe see if there are any monster truck rallies in town, I know for a fact Billiken loves those
• Get two of those Gumby dog toys, which I happen to know Billiken loves to tear into pieces, and then have a fun little race where both of you tear into one ferociously and the first to completely mangle Gumby and accidentally ingest multiple pieces of the stuffing inside him wins!!!
• Organize a brewery tour for you and Billiken — he’s told me recently he’s been trying to get more into the Indianapolis craft brewery scene
• Take Billiken somewhere nice for dinner, like St. Elmo’s or Patties of Jamaica — it’s his weekend without my brother lording over him and forcing him to be healthy, so he needs to GORGE

Photo by Toni L. Sandys/The Washington Post via Getty Images

• Go with Billiken to Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see how fast you both can run around the track — winner gets to drive home
• It’s road trip time! You and Billiken hop in your car and head up 65 North, hitting all the main tourist attractions to be found there (Shrine of Christ’s Passion in St. John, IN; the Mascot Hall of Fame in Whiting, IN; the Albanese Gummi Bear factory in Merrillville, IN; the BP gas station with a dog park next to it at the Fair Oaks Farms exit; etc.)
• Sit silently while he sleeps in your lap — his favorite activity

That’s all I could come up with in about 5 minutes, but let me know if you need any more ideas and I’m happy to help brainstorm some more!

Alrighty, now I think we should get into, like, some rapid-fire questions from just one person, especially if that person is a rabid Phillies fan and uninterested, for the most part, in talking Notre Dame sports at all. Do we have anything for that?

Some of us are Red Sox fans who’ve been checked out of this season for a minute now...but with that said...sure!

I think he’s getting closer to that realm but isn’t quite there yet. Probably in a few years, assuming he keeps on his current trajectory.

Right now, QBs who are definitely top 5 include Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, and Aaron Rodgers, and then I think Lamar Jackson, Justin Herbert, and probably Matt Stafford/Joe Burrow would need to be ranked above Hurts just due to what they’ve accomplished vs. what he has so far in their respective careers.

After those guys, though, I think Hurts would be my next choice. Tom Brady is still impressive for his age, but at this point he isn’t one of the best in the league. Derek Carr will never inspire confidence. Kirk Cousins? Barf. Dak is always hurt. Tua has only recently started to look competent and healthy. Etc., etc.

So, I think Jalen Hurts is comfortably a top-10 QB and along with a couple others he’s knocking on the door of the top-5, but needs more sustained success and to win some more playoff games before we can consider him that high in my very uninformed NFL QB power rankings, as someone who mostly only tunes into NFL games to see my fantasy players fail me or to watch my Indianapolis Colts be the weirdest team of all-time.

I’m no scientist, nor am I an ornithologist or a brick mason (although I AM a Bricklayer — shout out to the best Whirlpool rec league basketball team of all-time), so although I could simply say “well they both weigh a pound, so they’re equal,” I don’t know that for sure and feel I should instead turn to the renowned online experts who’ve written at-length on this topic.

Of course, I’m talking about the people who answer questions on Quora.

Let’s take a look at what some of the leading experts on pounds of feathers vs. pounds of bricks are saying about this age-old question!

Expert: Simon Bridge

Credentials: “Scientist, Teacher, Physicist, Atheist, Skeptic”*

*Note: His “credentials” page lists like 30 things in total, so I didn’t include the less serious ones, which included “30 years investigating paranormal claims,” “knows too much about porn,” “Freind of freinds and also of some enemies,” “I have at least one mother,” and “Bearing epic love scars with pride”

Response: Depends on the pound and the situation.

A pound-force of bricks weighs the same as a pound-force of feathers… because weight is force and in imperial units the distinction between mass and weight/force is often left to context.

If this is pound-mass, then all bets are off.

Put the two collection on scales, and the scales may show a difference depending on the circumstanmces of the weighing.

The force of gravity on the same mass is the same at the same altitude in about the same place.

The amount they compress a sensative balance may vary with buoyancy.

Also, the masses may be in different places … since the force of gravity varies from place to place.

Context please.

Expert: Daniel Metivier

Credentials: “Studied at NC A&T State University”*

*His list is even longer than Simon’s, and is all over the place with some kinda shocking/serious stuff in there. So I’m gonna leave all that alone...

Response: If both a weighted at the same atmosphere and gravitational pull they weigh the same; weigh a pound of feathers on the moon and then bring it to earth and compare it to a pound of bricks and you will that you are actually comparing close to 6 lbs of feathers instead of the 1 lb that you started out with. You cannot discuss weight without discussing gravity.

Expert: Alexander Ashcraft

Credentials: “Alexander has not filled out their profile”

Response: The feathers weigh more because of the added weight from the guilt of what was done to all those birds so you could get their feathers*

*Note: I thought this was funny/clever until I kept scrolling and realized there were SEVERAL answers with people saying the exact same thing. No idea who responded with it first, so just going to nominate Alex as the President of the “Joke About Those Poor Birds” Club

Expert: Tom Heger

Credentials: “develop MLB player and race horse comparison stats”*

*Note: He also is a former software developer and got a B.A. from Iona, but I think the above is the important credential here.

Response: This reminds of another such profound conundrum.

If a plane was flying from NYC to Toronto, and the plane crashed exactly on the border crossing such that it cannot be determined in which country the destroyed plane is. In which country do they bury the survivors?

However, if I had a choice of standing under a falling netting-bag weighing 1 pound full of bricks or feathers, I will would definitely request the feathers.

Expert: Lucifer Morningstar

Credentials: “Completed over 200 anime”

Response: So I did some digging and found out that 1 Pound can buy you approximately 2.3 bricks. And considering each feather costs 0.01$, that means each feather costs roughly 0.0072 Pounds. That brings use to 1 pound costing 138.8 feathers which we will round to 139 for simplicity. Now, for the weight of the feathers, we consider the broiler chicken. Each feather of the chicken weighs roughly 0.0082 grams. That is roughly 0.0000082 kg. Multiply that with our 139 feathers and you get 0.0011398 kg which we will round to 0.00114 kg. Now coming back to the bricks. We have 2.3 bricks and each bricks weight roughly between 3–3.5kg so we will consider it 3.25 kg. Thus, 2.3 bricks weigh 7.475 kg.

Now, basic common sense dictates that 7.475 kg > 0.00114 kg. Hence 1 pound of bricks weighs more than feathers.

Now I know that in the question, pound is supposed to be weight not currency but this is what they get for mixing shit up

Anyways, if you consider weight, they weigh the same

Expert: Bruce Campbell Kerr

Credentials: “Visual Artist/Hairdresser of 26 years” + “Watched Liverpool play in the English league” + “Read books”

Response: Ha ha both the same what do cows drink?

Photo by JEAN-FRANCOIS MONIER/AFP via Getty Images

Hopefully the above helps!

Keep ‘em comin’, Joe H Phillies Fan | MLB!

Wow, definitely surprised to be asked a question related to ND football here. Thankfully, it’s an easy one and won’t throw me off my game.

I’m not sure how the answer can be anyone but Nebraska here, although I suppose you could argue that we all lost all hope that the Huskers would ever be a major contender again at least 10-15 years ago, so perhaps at this point they’re not disappointing, but rather just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Still, at least ND and Texas have been to championships/playoffs/NY6 bowls in the last 15-20 years, so Nebraska seems like the obvious pick here, especially with all the hype of Scott Frost coming home to save the program, only to be fired.

If you want me to eliminate them, though, I’ll say Texas is more disappointing. They have no excuse for not being one of the absolute powers in the country, considering all their in-state talent, all their money and boosters to support their needs as a program, their warm weather mixed with a solid education from UT-Austin, etc. It’s absurd they can’t seem to even find Oklahoma-level success anymore, i.e. just winning the Big 12 and making a few CFPs while churning out some Heisman winners/finalists.

MAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yes, especially on a turkey sandwich or when it’s spicy mayo going on my sushi or poke bowl. Also, it’s not horrible on a burger as long as there’s also ketchup, and I can confirm it can be great with fries, especially in Belgium or when it’s technically an aioli.

Alright, can we PLEASE get a question from someone who isn’t Joe?

This account appears to 100% be Joe’s burner account, since it’s literally in the name, has 8 followers (one being Joe), etc. Maybe it’s just one of Joe’s friends, but I have a hunch it’s absolutely not...

Anyway, I will say for a little while there I was a pretty big LeBron apologist. I just think he’s physically a more perfect athlete than MJ, is a bit more versatile, and is less susceptible to the flu/food poisoning/hangovers and gambling. If I’m building a franchise from the ground up and can choose either player in his prime (and assuming they will continue re-signing with my team until they retire), I’m picking LeBron. Dude is a tank and will give me 20+ years of All-NBA level basketball.

HOWEVER, I will concede that MJ is the GOAT and think that if you’re telling me I need to pick one of these guys for one game or one playoffs or even one season, then I’m taking Jordan every time. In his prime, I KNOW he will take over and get it done, at any cost to him, his teammates, his opponents, or anyone else dumb enough to get in his way — even those whom he IMAGINES try to get in his way.

So, I guess I gave a super diplomatic answer, so let me cut through the bullshit and give you a real one: I would pick neither, because I hate the Bulls and Lakers and don’t like the Heat or Cavs or Wizards. Give me Rik Smits or Lance Stephenson or Dale Davis and LET’S RIDE.

Now, I’d like to take a quick break from Twitter questions and head over to Facebook, that uncomfortable and forgotten platform that at this point is kind of a nightmare (both on the site and just as a company).

Of course, despite that fact, I still always ask for Bye Week Q&A questions via a Facebook status every year, just to see if anyone I’m friends with still peruses the platform and is feeling like giving me some writing prompts. Every time is different — some requests for questions just sit there in the void, with no one commenting or acknowledging that I just posted on Facebook in the year of our Lord 2022. But other times, I’ll get 10-15 comments from a handful of friends just trying to troll me. I much prefer that.

This time, it was somewhere in between. Nothing crazy, but I got some really good, thought-provoking questions from a few people. So let’s take a look at those.

Facebooking with people in my parents’ generation, although often horrifying, can also be *chef’s kiss*, just as the above interaction was. Much love to my friend’s mom for sending me a friendly greeting and a cute pumpkin sticker/emoji thing. I needed that today.

Okay, let’s just rip through the rest of the Facebook submissions, since there are only a couple others.

Once again, my friend Shifty Joe used a day that wasn’t my birthday to wish me a happy one, and so I did my usual thing of replying to tell him when I did laundry (but this time, in question form).

Hopefully soon I can order a pizza and send the confirmation email to him, because that’s my absolute favorite way to get back at him.

Alright, one more Facebook interaction and then let’s get back to the comfort zone that is the pessimistic, sarcastic, self-deprecating void known as Twitter.

This is an excellent question from Jon, and I’m glad he asked it, because I have what I think some people may consider a hot take, especially considering anyone who knows me knows how much I love Vanessa Carlton.

To fill in anyone who doesn’t know me at this point, my music taste is eclectic in a Top 40 from the Early/Mid 2000s and 2010s kind of way. As part of that personal brand, I love Vanessa’s music, specifically her all-timer “A Thousand Miles,” but also her second-best single “White Houses.” “A Thousand Miles” is probably a top-10 song of all-time for me, up there with “Timber” by Pitbull and Kesha, “Dancing On My Own” by Robyn, “Walking in Memphis” by Marc Cohn, “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield, “Anna Sun” by Walk the Moon, “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire, “Good Kisser” by Lake Street Dive, “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, and, of course, “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers.*

*Note: This top-10 is subject to change at any time, because I’m bad at remembering all the songs I love. The Killers, Celine Dion, the 502s, and many more artists could certainly make some arguments here.

Anyway, Vanessa Carlton rules and there’s no doubt about it. But she really only gave us two really good songs, and that was it.

Meanwhile, Michelle Branch has given us A BUNCH of bangers, including “Everywhere,” “Goodbye to You,” “Breathe,” “Are You Happy Now?”, and “All You Wanted.” Also, she gave us that UNREAL collaboration with Santana you may remember was kinda nice...

So, I think the answer is really clear once you start thinking about it. Vanessa probably gave us the best song of all of the tracks these two produced (although “The Game of Love” is unreal as well, so maybe not), but Michelle gave us a prolonged string of hits that hit the heartstrings in a very similar way and allow us to jam to her music for a much longer duration of time.

Michelle Branch, all the way. Sorry, Vanessa (I still love you).

Let’s put it to a vote, though — I wanna know what you all think!

Let’s turn our attention back toward Twitter, where my friend Reed has an incredibly perfect question that somehow combines college football and Humongous Entertainment’s Backyard Baseball 2001, which is just a perfect intersection of things in my eyes.

Reed, take it away.

Here was my response to Reed at the time he sent the question:

Ladies and gentlemen, you will be SHOCKED to know that I did just that.

First, let’s just answer Reed’s question. For Notre Dame, the choice would be Michael Mayer, without a doubt. He’s their best player, and also one of the best tight ends in the country, a position with much fewer great players than other positions like WR, DE, RB, etc. You could try to argue for guys like Isaiah Foskey or now Audric Estime, but there are so many other well-known options at those positions, so I think Mayer is a no-brainer.

As for ND’s upcoming opponents, here’s who I would go with:

• BYU: either QB Jaren Hall or WR Puka Nacua...let’s go with Hall, even if he’ll be one of MANY quarterbacks in this game. Never forget that the original Backyard Football had me building lineups with Brett Favre at wideout, Randall Cunningham at running back, and Drew Bledsoe always left off the team because he was slow and bad.
• Stanford: QB Tanner McKee, mostly because I don’t think any other Stanford guys would be worth putting in the game. This feels like in Backyard Baseball 2001 when they included Marty Cordova
• UNLV: I honestly haven’t seen UNLV play a second of football, so this is based off statistics. The best options appear to be RB Aidan Robbins or DBs Austin Ajiake/Jerrae Williams. I’m going to go with Robbins, he’s already got 427 yards and 7 touchdowns on the year
• Syracuse: RB Sean Tucker or WR Oronde Gadsden II are the best options, I think, and again I think I’ll go with the running back. Tucker is a very good one — arguably a top-10 RB in the country, at least statistically (especially when you look at his past seasons too)

• Clemson: I think Bryan Bresee or Myles Murphy are the best choices, considering the Clemson front is the strength of the team. You could maybe add Will Shipley as a candidate, but let’s get some defensive guys in here. Bresee it is!
• Navy: LB Nicholas Straw is my choice — dude somehow has 10 passes defended already and is one of the only competent players on that team, it seems
• BC: WR Zay Flowers for sure. BC is a dumpster fire right now, and there’s no one else on that squad who would deserve to be in this game.
• USC: This could be a team where the Humongous Entertainment folks decide to bring more than one player into the game, as Caleb Williams and Jordan Addison are both one of the absolute best in the country at their positions. I would be fine with adding both, but since I hate USC I don’t want to give them that, so Williams is my choice (although picking Addison to troll Pat Narduzzi could be funny).

So, like I mentioned, I was EAGER to go above and beyond on this question, so let’s start by picking players for each of ND’s former opponents so far this season.

• OSU: Just like USC, I think you could easily make an argument for including both CJ Stroud and Jaxson Smith-Njigba, and since these guys don’t play for USC, I’m willing to put them both in the game (because you could argue they are both THE BEST at their positions in the country, when healthy). Both it is!
• Marshall: If we wanted to get more defensive players in the game, we could think about DBs Micah Abraham or Steven Gilmore, but I think RB Khalan Laborn is the best choice and will go with him instead.
• Cal: Gimme the DC’s son, Jackson Sirmon — he leads the only somewhat-competent unit on that squad, so I think this was a pretty easy choice.
• UNC: I’m sure the right answer to this is Drake Maye, but I could be convinced to instead pick Josh Downs or Antoine Green, or even Storm Duck (not because of his talent, but because of his name). But I’ll say Maye, he’s the most high-profile guy they have.

Okay finally, let’s do a rapid-fire of whom I would select from every other team currently in the AP Top 25!!!

• UGA: TE Brock Bowers
• Alabama: BOTH QB Bryce Young and DE Will Anderson
• Michigan: RB Blake Corum
• Kentucky: RB Kavosiey Smoke
• Tennessee: QB Hendon Hooker
• Oklahoma State: DL Collin Oliver
• NC State: QB Devin Leary
• Penn State: CB Joey Porter Jr.

Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

• Utah: CB Clark Phillips III
• Oregon: LB Noah Sewell
• Ole Miss: RB Quinshon Judkins
• Washington: QB Michael Penis Penix Jr.
• Baylor: RB Richard Reese
• Texas A&M: WR Ainias Smith
• Oklahoma: WR Marvin Mims
• Arkansas: LB Bumper Pool (LB Drew Sanders is actually a better choice, but not if you consider greatness-of-name)
• Minnesota: RB Mo Ibrahim
• Wake Forest: QB Sam Hartman
• FSU: DL Jared Verse
• Pitt: LB SirVocea Dennis
• KSU: RB Deuce Vaughn

Alrighty, cool cool cool.

You know what would be kinda fun now? Someone else I know just absolutely spamming me with various questions from one Twitter account. That would be great!!!

Enter: Harry Joe, AKA Joseph_Socks.

There is nothing else to say here except that I approve this message, and have for some time.

#BRINGBACKCLASHMOREMIKE!!!!!

I have reached out to my insider source at Notre Dame about this (my brother, a current junior), and he has indeed confirmed this to be true.

Here’s his direct quote, broken into three successive texts:

Text 1: “No it’s terrible”

Text 2: “Haven’t had quarter dogs all three years”

Text 3: “It’s fine though because they just opened Taco Bell ‘till like 2:00 AM on the weekends, so I still have some place I can get late night stomach problems from”

So, to go ahead and answer Harry Joe’s questions, it is indeed Brian Kelly’s fault, because he is the root of all evil (money = the root of all evil, BK has way too much money now, thus BK = evil), and I know a few great attorneys we could talk to about pursuing a lawsuit here, including our mutual friend Prison Mike, my dad, and my girlfriend.

However, I think for something like this we need to call in the BIG GUNS. That is to say, we need Darryl “THE HAMMER” Isaacs!!!!!

Also, if Darryl isn’t available for some reason, I DO NOT recommend that we turn to Ken Allen, because I cannot ever take him seriously with all his billboards on I-65 North featuring him wearing a GOOFY fedora for some reason:

No thanks, we’ll pick someone else to help us shake down BK for millions based on lack of quarter dogs causing us massive psychological trauma!!!

Harry Joe is a master at not asking questions and just stating straight facts, because I once again agree with this, but would even take it a bit further.

I don’t really like the most recent shade of green at all for uniforms. It’s perfectly fine for t-shirts fans wear, and maybe if they did it better like Harry mentioned with better number and accent colors, it could work, but I don’t really think the 2015 Shamrock Series or 2018 Senior Day or any of those other recent versions with that shade of green look good.

I much prefer the Weis-era and early-Kelly-era dark green with gold numbers in the top right of Harry’s tweet and think that should almost always be the green jerseys the school goes with every season.

This should be pretty easy. I have it on good authority that 12 ounces of Guinness contains about 125 calories, which means a gallon would be ~1,333 calories.

Meanwhile, I also have it on good authority from a definitely different source that a gallon of chocolate milk is an alarming ~3,344 calories, otherwise known as 2.5X the caloric total of a gallon of Guinness. If you’re trying to consume just 2,000 calories per day, you can’t even drink a gallon of chocolate milk in one day, not to mention the lack of other key nutrients in your diet.

So, at least from the standpoint of what it could do to one’s weight (not to mention the body trying to digest a gallon of dairy and chocolate...yikes), I don’t think it’s even close.

Photo by Artur Widak/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Yeah, you could argue that the alcohol content of Guinness makes that more dangerous to consume in the form of a gallon than chocolate milk, but honestly drinking about eleven 12-oz Guinnesses, while a very solid amount of alcohol, isn’t that bad, especially when you consider that Guinness is only 4.2% alcohol content, the same as Miller Lite and Coors Light and actually less than Bud Light (5%).

Yeah, most of us probably can’t put away 11 light beers on most weekends anymore like we could in college/our early 20s, but I’m positive I could still do it to prove a point, and that point is that besides grading on the criteria of whether you can legally operate a vehicle afterward*, drinking a gallon of Guinness is pretty much across the board healthier than drinking a gallon of chocolate milk.

*Note: if the person in question is drinking a gallon of chocolate milk within whatever the timeframe was for that dumb internet challenge people would do, they wouldn’t be able to drive either because they’d be throwing up too much.

I don’t think you need to worry, and let me explain why:

1. My girlfriend has made several similar comments, as have multiple other women I’ve watched games with this season. I think it’s a universal truth that Marcus Freeman is v attractive to essentially all heterosexual women, and thus your wife will be competing with literally millions of women for his affection. Basic probability tells us your wife will probably never meet Marcus, or at least interact with him enough for him to want to, and try to, steal her from you.
2. Marcus has 6 kids with his wife whom he appears to be happily married to, so I don’t think he would ever try to take your wife or anyone else’s (thankfully)
3. If someone IS going to steal your wife, who would you rather have do it than that wonderful, beautiful, charismatic man? Thus, I’d think him stealing your wife would be an honor, or at worst it would be a “I totally get it, fair enough” moment for you. So, no need to worry about it, you’ll probably thank him!!

It’s perfect, no notes.

For Brey’s boys to win a title? I would sacrifice 75% of the lots, if not 100% — I love the tailgating scene right around the stadium for sure, but if I got to see my personal most-beloved sports team win a championship, I’d give all that hot and crowded pavement up in a heartbeat.

For a Final Four, I’d say 50-75%, maybe even a bit more. Again, that would just be so electric to see — I mean, even the 2015-2016 Elite 8 runs — especially the 2015 one and that Kentucky game — were so awesome. Just imagine if we got to see one of those teams win one more and make it to the final weekend! There’s a decent chance it doesn’t happen in our lifetime, and thus I’d definitely trade a lot of tailgating space to see that.

First, a counter-question: do you not wear underwear? A shirt? Why aren’t those in this list?

Anyway, answering the question at hand, my PREFERENCE is definitely a) Sock, Sock, Pants, Shoe, Shoe.

However, I am BAD at remembering to put on socks before pants, so I would say about 95% of the time I’m a b) guy, going with Pants, Sock, Sock, Shoe, Shoe.

Anyone who chooses c) is a psychopath.

I wanna hear from people who would say d) — what does that mean? What other reasonable sequence of clothing could you be doing? If it ends in Sock, Sock then I have A LOT of follow-up questions, FYI.

Let’s give Harry a break now and move on to someone else. I’m sure other people have some important things to ask me and have been waiting their turn for a while.

Ah, Chris has been waiting since 1989 to ask me this, it appears.

I’ll be honest, just reading this question and then actually thinking about the lyrics to that song has my already exhausted-from-my-day-job brain turning into a pretzel. So, I decided to create this nice little graphic in Powerpoint to help summarize the situation...I think it’s safe to say, this helps a lot!

So, now that we’ve got the scenario sorted out and have a nice focus group of fun-looking cartoon characters to bounce ideas off of, let’s set out to answer the 4 questions posed in Chris’s tweet:

1. Does this not bother you?

Pat Rick: Honestly, it does not. Is it typical for folks to pick a sibling to be their best man/maid of honor? Of course, and I think they should as long as they’re close enough for that to make sense.

But maybe Harry and Larry run in the same circle and Larry feels much closer to Individual to Whom the Song is Directed. Maybe one or both of them were given up for adoption when they were young, and thus they don’t know they’re brothers and Larry choosing Individual over Harry isn’t even a weird thing to them. Or maybe Harry and Larry have like 6 other brothers and so it wouldn’t be feasible to have all his brothers in his wedding party or at least to choose between them for best man, so he went with a friend instead. I’ve definitely seen that happen and thought nothing of it. I think there are plenty of situations where this could have played out like this, however untraditional it seems.

I also just want to call out that I’m someone who doesn’t think just because someone is family you need to bend over backwards to prioritize them over everyone else in your life. Family is extremely important to me and I love my family to death, but if someone isn’t treating you well as family, you have no obligation to keep trying to make it work with them. Friends are the family we CHOOSE and I think that can be just as strong of a bond, if not stronger in some situations.

2. Do you think there is bad blood between Harry and Larry that for some reason didn’t carry over to Harry’s friends?

Pat Rick: I think that’s one very possible explanation for this. At the very least, these two brothers are close enough to share very close friends, but perhaps they’ve had some rough moments in their brotherhood or a falling-out where their friends didn’t want to choose sides, so we end up with something like this.

Who’s to say?

3. Do you think Larry considers the subject of the song to be his best friend as well?

Pat Rick: I would assume yes, if he’s asking him to be his best man (whether there’s been a falling-out with Harry or some sort of separated-at-birth situation, I would assume someone selecting a friend as their best man means they consider them a best friend).

4. Is Harry even a member of the wedding party?!?

Pat Rick: My guess is yes — unless Harry and Larry are two of like twelve children*, I would assume that he would feel obligated to put his brother(s) in his wedding party, unless it was a REALLY bad falling-out.

*I’m envisioning the other children are named Jerry, Gerry, Gary, Carrie, Kari, Cherry, Sherry, Terry, Barry, and Perry.

Okay folks, it’s starting to get late on a Thursday evening, so let’s just answer one final question. Hope it’s a really exciting and relevant one for everyone reading this!!!

Hello Connie Salami AKA Corn AKA the Biscuits to my Gravy (I think, I always forget who is who)!

I’m going to say we should meet somewhere on our street that we both live on, or at least somewhere very close to it in walking distance, because I don’t want to trek very far to sit and watch football. With that said, I’m open to any and all suggestions, assuming the location we choose has either Hamm’s, High Life, or Tecate for me to guzzle down (and maybe some cheeseburgers for me to toss down my gullet, too) while we watch my Colts continue to find new and weird ways to play the game of football.

***

Welp, that’s all for this week, you guys! I want to give a big shout-out to Pat Rick, the Village Idiot, for his time and wonderfully inane/blabbering answers to all these very sharp and insightful questions.

I encourage you all to head over to One Foot Down to check out all the work he and the rest of that brilliant staff are doing right now covering cheeseburgers, and also recommend you give both OFD and Pat some follows on Twitter. OFD is a great follow for ND-related and taco vs. burrito content, while Pat retweets a lot of funny tweets and otherwise tweets maybe once every week or two, so he’s only sort of annoying.

Thanks, and as always, GO IRISH, BEAT CHEESEBURGERS!!!