A wise soul once told me that being Irish means you always fight for that in which you believe. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish leprechaun mascot captures that exact tenacious spirit. Despite the pandemic, bowl game stumbles, and the initial drama of the recent changing of the guard, the leprechaun stands ready to fight no matter who may come his way. Here’s how he’d completely trash every opposing mascot this season.
Ohio State Buckeyes: Brutus Buckeye
Any Ohioan knows a buckeye as the tastiest combination of chocolate and peanut butter there is. However, the confection, as well as tOSU’s mascot, takes its name from the poisonous nut that comes from Ohio’s state tree. The humble but deadly buckeye would only pose a threat to the leprechaun if he were to mistake the real deal for the elite candy. Being smarter than this, he strangles Brutus with one of the hideous Buckeye necklaces that infest my great state. #JustAKidFromAkron
Marshall Thundering Herd: Marco the Bison
It’s important to back away slowly to survive a bison attack, but this isn’t the leprechaun’s style. While bison can run up to 40 miles per hour, he feels pretty confident after making an example of Brutus, and runs at Marco as fast as he can. Dumbfounded at the Irishman’s boldness, Marco swerves out of the leprechaun’s path only to smash into a tree.
California Golden Bears: Oski the Bear
After playing dead only does so much, the leprechaun remembers the bear spray he had packed just for the game. Problem solved.
UNC Tar Heels: Rameses
Rams settle their differences by butting heads. Unafraid following his previous encounters, the leprechaun charges toward Rameses and puts him to shame. While a head butt from a ram can exert up to 800 pounds of force, that strong Irish temperament cancels it out every time. That’s basic physics, isn't it?
BYU Cougars: Cosmo the Cougar
The leprechaun is more than accustomed to having older women compliment his Irish accent, so the thought of having to politely brush off yet another lady does not initially intimidate him. He starts to panic after realizing he had the wrong kind of cougar in mind. Notre Dame and BYU have not faced off since 2013, so his memory was a little shaky. The leprechaun realizes he can’t outrun the cat, but throwing a few rocks injures and flusters Cosmo enough for the Irishman to knock him out.
Stanford Cardinal: Stanford Tree
A lone tree is no match for the Irishman, in fact, it puts up quite the pathetic attempt at one. Not even a whole forest could faze him. Our dear leprechaun would chop that tree right down and make a fine shillelagh.
UNLV Rebels: Hey Reb!
UNLV retired its Hey Reb! mascot in 2021. With the luck of the Irish in his favor, and thankful for a break, the leprechaun just heads to the casinos for the morning, and back to Indiana in time for the game.
Syracuse Orange: Otto the Orange
Fruit? Seriously? When up against the Syracuse Orange, the leprechaun simply channels his anger into making orange juice. I wonder how some orange zest would taste in OFD’s signature cocktail, Trojan Blood…
Clemson Tigers: The Tiger
This is where the leprechaun has to get creative. He came out of his encounter with Cosmo the Cougar as a wiser, stronger Irishman, and fortunately, when he made a shillelagh out of the Cardinal, there was a decent amount of leftover material. With a rush of adrenaline, the leprechaun slashes his enemy with his Stanford spear.
Navy Midshipmen: Bill the Goat
Emboldened by his triumph over Rameses, the leprechaun bolts at full speed toward the Naval Academy’s similarly built mascot and knocks Bill too dizzy to go on. Our Irishman proves that Bill is in fact not THE goat.
Boston College Golden Eagles: Baldwin the Eagle
Baldwin swooped down to take the leprechaun’s Guinness. He was not about to stand for this. The leprechaun grabs Baldwin by the wings and tosses him out of sight like an Olympic hammer thrower.
USC Trojans: Traveler
So, it all comes down to this; a battle between the leprechaun and his most storied rival. The leprechaun manages to snatch Tommy Trojan’s sword and chase the majestic white horse away before he ever has the chance to pose the slightest danger to the epic Irishman.
Follow me on Twitter.