Is Jarrett Patterson the best Notre Dame football player to babysit your children?

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you... I’ve never given this type of question much thought during my 12+ years of being a parent. Seeing as how much I’m up at Notre Dame — maybe it should have been something that I had mapped out in my dad life binder, but I’ve never been that industrious.

However... I didn’t waste a second of time to help provide an answer to Kate’s call for help.

It only makes sense — right? Jarrett Patterson was one of the best centers in college football last year, and centers make the best babysitters. Let’s quickly break this down (by position only):

Quarterback

This is certainly an option as quarterbacks handle the football on (almost) every play, so there is a certain amount of trust involved here. That trust, however, becomes very much in doubt when some big bastard comes charging his way — bro that baby is going to end up in section 20 row 12 seat 8.

Safety

Somehow allows baby to go deep down the road despite already being on the road.

Linebacker

At some point will mistake the baby as an enemy as the family pet fakes a handoff. The baby is crushed and now there are baby pancakes.

Running Back

You’re asking him to do too much. Yes fumbling is a concern, but he may not be able to throw that protective block to save your child from a random neighborhood hyena.

Cornerback

HA! Too busy celebrating a baby being on the other side of the house after doing nothing to cause said baby to be far away from them.

Wide Receiver

HA! Too busy yelling “I WAS OPEN” to pay attention to the baby going over his head. Possibly the worst babysitter on the team.

Tight End

They have a tendency to not show up at all, and as a parent you need more reliability in your life.

Tackles and Guards

While excellent at keeping people safe, it’s a rare moment when they have to handle something so little. I fear a scene out of Of Mice and Men will be more of the norm.

Defensive Linemen

You really don’t remember Lattimer from The Program — do you. You’re a god damn monster.

Centers

Magnificent creatures. They handle the ball on EVERY single play, and must multi-task the entire time. They line up 4 other massive human beings, puts the baby safely behind them, as he mauls all that comes in his space. Quite simply... the best babysitters in the game of football.

Pay Jarrett Patterson

So obviously Jarrett Patterson is the first person to call when you and your spouse need a night out away from the hustle and bustle of all of these needy hell demons gifts from god. He even looks like dad right now, and just needs a solid pair of grass-stained New Balances to complete the look.

Maybe he can borrow a pair from Phil Jurkovec.

Editor’s Note: Stop taking things so seriously