Football

Ranking Notre Dame’s opponents by mascot dominance

The important rankings are starting to come out now

By Joshua Vowles@TheSubwayDomer Jun 6, 2020, 2:50am EDT

Mascots provide some of the most iconic images in college football. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish Leprechaun is obviously the most dominant mascot in all the land — but how do its 12 opponents stack up against him OR her?

Let’s rank them. This will on a scale from dominant down to laughable.

1. Clemson Tigers — The Tiger

Look at him BUT NOT TOO LONG. Those eyes are mesmerizing, and have the ability to burn your soul after Clemson goes up more than two scores.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: DEC 07 ACC Championship Game

2. Wake Forest Demon Deacons — The Demon Deacon

Scary old church leaders behind the wheel is scary enough, but put one on a motorcycle and it’s fucking terrifying. It’s amazing that Wake Forest has never won a national championship in 131 seasons.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: DEC 22 Birmingham Bowl - Memphis v Wake Forest

3. Arkansas Razorbacks — Big Red

Feral hogs and furrowed brows make an intimidating combination. Considering the lack of production from the Hawgs on the field, I’d bet that this guy is willing to do anything to help his school win. Be careful.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 30 New Mexico State at Arkansas

4. Navy Midshipmen — Bill the Goat

As if Navy isn’t quirky enough with their triple option offense and a crazy ability to give teams one hell of a fight — what the fuck is a goat doing on a battleship anyways? While you’re thinking about that, Bill just broke your knees via a chop block with his horns.

Army vs Navy — PHILADELPHIA - DECEMBER 11: Two Navy ram mascots stand on the sideline during a game against the Army Black Knights on December 11, 2010 at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The Midshipmen won 31-17. (Photo by Hunter Martin/Getty Images)

5. Wisconsin Badgers — Bucky Badger

LOOK AT WHAT HE’S DOING! Bucky teaches his prey how to play Pat-A-Cake right before he bites their face off. What the shit is that?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: OCT 05 Kent State at Wisconsin

6. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets — Buzz

Maybe if I allowed them to use the Wramblin’ Wreck here they would be ranked higher. Instead, here they are riding the coattails of our fear of Murder Hornets.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: NOV 21 NC State at Georgia Tech

7. Western Michigan Broncos — Buster Bronco

Michigan’s marijuana laws and breweries per capita finally got on the same level as Buster here. This is the kindest picture I could find as many pics in the database are Buster being driven around like a wheelbarrow.

8. Pittsburgh Panthers — Roc the Panther

I am completely underestimating Pitt and their super weapon, so of course they go full Sith Lord on us. I have a bad feeling about this.

9. Duke Blue Devils — Blue Devil

This guy has an overinflated sense of himself because of basketball. They haven’t won a NCAA Championship since 2015 when Notre Dame won the ACC. Screw this guy.

10. Louisville Cardinals — Cardinal Bird

A bird that has teeth... GTFO.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 02 Notre Dame at Louisville

11. Stanford Cardinal — A dumbass tree from the band

Yeah, it’s the band’s mascot and it’s an acid trip walking around the gridiron. It’s also not allowed in like 75% of America’s stadiums. Runs away when presented with an ax.

12. USC Trojans — Tommy Trojan

Cosplay for the ridiculous. I’m still uncertain about his toes during a November game in Washington.

Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual - USC v Penn State