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Notre Dame opponent’s mascots and whether or not I could beat them up

Day whatever of quarantine... I’m ready to fight.

Brendan McAlinden

It’s getting a little dicey over here in the Vowles household as my nurse wife goes out on the frontlines to do battle (maybe) with the coronavirus, as well as our brand new homeschool for our three kids. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish news is light, but we’re making the best out of it all. That means looking around for a good idea here and there that we can twist around.

Our friends over at Off Tackle Empire posted a story about how well they could do battle with every Big Ten mascot months after almost six months after this great Twitter debate happened:

So yeah... we’re going to get into this. Below is my scale of Notre Dame opponent mascots’ asses that I would kick / Notre Dame opponent’s mascots that would kick my ass.

As I list this out, I’ll go from right to left — mascots I’d crush to mascots that would kill me. It’s important to remember that these rankings are about their live counterparts and not the costumed freaks on the sideline.

Stanford Cardinal (Tree) — It’s a tree. It stands there and does nothing. Sure... punching it will do nothing, but I fight dirty and my chainsaw is clean AF.

Louisville Cardinals (Cardinal) — This bird, horrifically, has teeth. It’s just enough fright to pump in the adrenaline as I swat it from the sky and crush its head with my heel — biblical style.

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (a bee of sorts) — While in my pool, I was attacked by a hornet the size of a small dog. I literally punched it and it fell into the water. I pushed it down with a net and took a kabob skewer and, well... kabobbed the thing. I then fixed the kabob to a post on my backyard as a warning to all of those other sons of bitches to stay away. So something like that.

Navy Midshipmen (Goat) — That goat is drunk and frightened of all-white uniforms in the dark. As long as I stand right in front of him, I could just talk him into a deep sleep.

Duke Blue Devils (Blue Devil) — Everyone knows that a devil is red so this is just some lonely guy doing cosplay. I’m worried bout the pitchfork and mommy issues, as that combo could explode into a ball of rage.

Wake Forest Demon Deacons (Old guy demon) — I am not an anointed exorcist and am unfamiliar with baptist demonology. It’s probably fake, and just some old guy looking to steal my money, but those old guys are feisty AF when it comes to cash donations. I’m going to need step up my game.

Wisconsin Badgers (A badger) — Dachshunds were created to do battle with this animal, so this isn’t exactly a lion here. Still, unless I strike quickly (at 41 things are slowing down) a badger that thinks he’s in trouble is terribly ferocious. I could get worked here if my footwork isn’t on point.

USC Trojans (Tommy) — This isn’t Hector we’re talking about. Tommy is just a surfer guy in a cape, but he does carry a sword. My biggest fear is being distracted by the Jezebel song girls that follow him and then getting gutted by that sword. Should I keep my composure and remember that I’m a married man — I might be just fine (good luck with that Josh).

Western Michigan Broncos (bronco) — A horse with an attitude problem is hard enough, but a horse with an attitude problem AND is forced to live in Kalamazoo is even worse. He’s fighting for his freedom and those legs are powerful.

Pittsburgh Panthers (panther) — This isn’t a Carolina panther, a Snider Panther, or any other panther. This is a Pitt Super-Weapon Panther and I’m not sure I can bullseye a womprat back home with my T-16.

Arkansas Razorbacks (feral hog) — Feral hogs are making a comeback because they’re done taking our shit. Fast, mean, and smarter than most people from the regions they dwell; this is a true nemesis and a real threat to my life. Damn tasty though if prepped right AND DREAMING OF ROASTING IT GETS YOU YOU DEAD SON.

Clemson Tigers (tiger) — Real tigers aren’t the dead-eyed space cadet that Clemson’s mascot is today. A real tigers would just end my life after a few hours of playing hide-and-seek with me. It’s all ridiculously terrifying. This particular Tiger is also well financed by a certain church in South Carolina, so its training has been magnificent.

What about you? What’s your scale look like? Let us know and let’s have some fun.