How to cope with any Notre Dame Football loss in 2019

Fans of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are a passionate bunch. With that passion, there are obviously some very high HIGHS, but that also means there are some very LOW lows. This polarizing path makes for a group of fans that are desperately in need of as much therapy and “happy pills” as any group in the country.

I have always been curious as to how fans deal with a loss- no matter the opponent. And I have studied these methods for years.

Just like with a bad breakup or losing a job or your dog dying; booze and tunes can help you with the pain. So, with that in mind, I offer you a list of ways to help you heal.

There is a solution with how to deal with every possible loss this season for the Irish. 12 games with 12 different combos. Just go to that dark room, crack that bottle open, and put the song on repeat until your wife or kid or neighbor find you passed out on the ground clinging to your Knute Rockne pillow pet.

I have been publishing this for years, but did not do one last year. If any of you blame this article for a loss in Athens — drink more, because that’s just ridiculous. Besides the booze and music this year, I’m adding a fast-food joint to the situation. This is what adulting looks like.

*This is for fun... so don’t really try this at home, and please for the love of Odin... don’t hurt yourself or others.

Louisville Cardinals

Booze: Elijah Craig and a glass. If Notre Dame loses to Louisville... you might as well have one nice thing this season, because it’s about to get shitty.

Food: Popeyes. That’s right — fuck the Colonel, and fuck John Schnatter. Popyeyes explosion in August will bring you back to the calming center you had at one point that month.

Here’s a 10 hour loop of Sunset Lover because a loss here means we’re all fucked. You might as well be as calm as possible.

New Mexico Lobos

Booze: El Toro tequila and some super glue to put that dumb plastic sombrero on your head as a mark of Bob Davie’s dominance over your life.

Food: Chipotle because you don’t deserve Taco Bell after treating her like crap all of these years.

Put on the Texas Tornado playlist and get swept up. You’ll probably be heading to the border anyways after a loss here.

Georgia Bulldogs

Booze: Moonshine and a CB radio. If you’re smart, you found “a guy” after you got lost leaving Louisville, and brought home a couple milk jugs of that Peach shine.

Food: White Castle because even though the Irish just lost in Athens... you shouldn’t go full Opus Dei with the punishment. A Crave Case is just what the doctor ordered to lift the spirits

Music would be a bad choice here. Just imagine yourself as Darth Vader right after the surgery and know that you’re going to be a badass the rest of the way (until you die saving your kid — go figure).

Virginia Cavaliers

Booze: Cases of White Claws. Apparently there are no LAWS WITHH THE CLAWS and you might break a few this week.

Food: Go to a Root Beer stand. Remember how happy and excited you were as a kid to go to a root beer stand for a hot dog? Tap that inner child here (which won’t be hard in the fetal position you are currently in).

Mongolian metal will not only confuse you, but will delight you.

Bowling Green Falcons

Booze: Rubbing alcohol.

Food: NONE.

Bowling Green is near Findlay which is a big equestrian school. Suffer as non-equestrian majors have suffered.

USC Trojans

Booze: Throw away the Mountain Dew Code Red. It’s gin neat for you pal.

Food: King Gyros because at least the real Greeks burnt Troy to the fucking ground.

It’s going to be just fine. In fact, it’s going to be alright.

Michigan Wolverines

Booze: Canadian Club. At this point, do you really care if there is a mixer or a chaser? NO — the correct answer is, “no.”

Food: Steak n Shake because as mysterious as this loss would be, it is nothing to the mystery of why the Frisco Melt is so good and everything else is crap.

Here is Michigan’s finest piece of trash on loop for hours. You’re not getting out of this shitshow that easy.

Virginia Tech Hokies

Booze: Bud Light Lime and sliced oranges because nothing makes sense.

Food: Gas Station donuts — the “day old” ones in a bag that has been sitting there for a week.

Enter Sandman is trash and no one should be forced to listen to it — I don’t care who you are.

Duke Blue Devils

Booze: Zima didn’t return in 2019 after a triumphant return in 2018, but you know damn well someone at Duke has a cellar full of this shit. Rob them. Rob them blind.

Food: McDonald’s because no one is trying hard obviously.

Is breaking and entering even a crime if Eazy E is your life soundtrack? What about his dog?

Navy Midshipmen

Booze: Jägermeister because you should have memories of 1998 when nothing bad ever happened with Navy.

Food: Dairy Quen where the only thing they have left on their menu is the fish sandwich.

The anticipation... BUT WHERE ARE THE PIPES? WHERE IS THE VICTORY?

Boston College Eagles

Booze: Every last drop of whatever you have left in your liquor cabinet gets mixed together in your bathroom trash can. Chug.

Food: Subway. The food tastes like vegetable water — all of it. If you actually like that, then you are obviously an agent of Satan and should burn in hell instead of up here bothering me on senior day.

Notre Dame stole this song, so if you want it that badly... here you go.

Stanford Cardinal

Booze: Skater’s choice (hello sweet baby Pabst) because it’s all over now and no one can make you do a damn thing.

Food: A choice cut of meat at a Chicago steakhouse.

Smile and take a trip (just don’t drive).