After Parietals: breaking down the boink heard ‘round the world

Good evening. Notre Dame is 4-0, beautiful autumnal leaves are falling, and Tiger Woods is the Tour Champion. But this is Stanford week so I hate trees, Tiger is dead to me, and all I want to do is dissect plays from the Notre Dame Fighting Irish - Wake Forest Demon Deacons game until I have lulled myself into a false sense of confidence before Saturday night. Let’s start by breaking down the highlight of the game, Wake Forest’s kicker forgetting to, well, kick.

Part One: Fourth down

In this image, we see that it is 4th down and Wake Forest is not going for it, demonstrated by the quarterback high-fiving special teams players while he runs toward the sideline.

Part 2: The clock ticks

The camera cuts from the quarterback jogging off the field, to Wake Forest Head Coach Dave Clausen on the sideline, then, incriminatingly, to Wake’s kicker ALSO on the sideline.

What is this guy doing?! The answer may shock you.

Part 3: Confusion

It is here we learn that Wake Forest’s kicker’s name is Nick Sciba, aka Sciba Steve. The camera stays on Sciba Steve for a long 5 seconds while he appears to look at the field, think to himself, “Hmm nothing to see there,” and then bends over with a football cradled his arms.

Back and to the left... Back and to the left.

This downward motion proves to us that Sciba Steve is bending over to take another practice kick on the sidelines. That, my friends, is nothing to be ashamed of. That is dedication to one’s craft. Sciba Steve might have forgotten to pay attention to what down it was, but he was doing so while perfecting his kicking motion and proving to his coach one last time that he was ready for the spotlight.

During this part of the broadcast, Sean McDonough reveals some important facts:

“They have a freshman field goal kicker. He’s been solid but they’ve all been from close range. This is about the extent where Dave Clausen says they might try one. They went for it on 4th down seven times last week against Boston College.

Wake Forest went for it on 4th down SEVEN times against Boston College. There was no way Sciba Steve could have anticipated they’d kick a field goal, especially knowing that his coach would be calling an aggressive game plan against a top 10 team. This is hardly Sciba Steve’s fault. Sure, the rest of the special teams unit got the memo that Wake was kicking a field goal, but it’s not like the holder has anything to practice while he’s on the sidelines. Sciba Steve has a reason to be distracted. He’s practicing, like any good kicker would.

Part 4: Assigning the blame

So whose fault is it really that Sciba Steve wasn’t on the field? Was it his goody-two-shoes, suck-up teammates who hustled to the line of scrimmage to show off how smart they are and lined up for the play before he even got the chance to count his little steps backwards and do some practice swings? Look at them all standing there with no regard for where their freshman kicker is. The selfishness. The disrespect.

After the holder gingerly plants his knee on the ground, he finally looks up and realizes tat there’s no one behind him. Oh sure, NOW you care.

Part 5: The aftermath

Our man HUSTLES onto the field for the kick. I can assure you no one has ever run faster in their life. There’s still 19 seconds on the clock, too! He has plenty of time! Notice here that Wake Forest has 3 timeouts and could have saved Sciba Steve some humiliation if they had called one. But they didn’t. Because they didn’t have to. Because Sciba Steve made it out with seconds to spare, dammit.

I am calling for everyone to stop shaming Sciba Steve for forgetting to go on the field. He was busy practicing kicks on the sidelines, thought that Wake would go for it because his head coach doesn’t appreciate him, had zero help from his teammates, and despite all of this made it onto the field with plenty of time to spare.

Oh...but yea, he did miss the kick.

A few things about the game:

• After a couple shaky series, Notre Dame’s offense gained some momentum and dominated the game. Don’t let Brian Kelly get all the credit for being sooo smart for benching the starting quarterback of a 3-0 team in week 4 and pretending like he knew Ian Book was going to go off against Wake Forest. I’m not convinced Wake is even decent this year. They couldn’t beat Boston College, a team that lost to Purdue (enough said), and their only two wins have been against Tulane and Towson. Not really a sterling resume.
• It was nice to see Notre Dame not play down to their competition, even if it took about a quarter to get there. I’m not here to make an argument for either quarterback to start the rest of the season, but I am here to read your Ian Book puns.
• Notre Dame scored so many points that Wake Forest fired their defensive coordinator after the game. Remember when Notre Dame lost to a different North Carolina school and then... nevermind.
• Wake Forest’s Demon Deacon mascot is terrifying...ly slow on his motorcycle. You know it’s dangerous to drive under the speed limit right my dude?

• It was nice to get a break from Doug Flutie this weekend, am I right guys?!
• Dexter Williams comes back on Saturday and Brian Kelly says he’s playing better than ever. Hoping this movie is more like Miracle and less like Friday Night Lights.

• Lol Virginia Tech lost to Old Dominion

Now it’s finally time to find out if Notre Dame is actually good. Go Irish!! Beat Cardinal! !!!!!!!!!!!