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The OFD Mailbag: Armageddon, Brian Kelly’s November Reign, And The Divinity of Nick Saban

We finally open up the mailbag to find a lot of lists.

ofd mailbag

After a few weeks of OH MY GOD SUMMER IS BUSY AF... I can finally sit down (kind of) and dive into the OFD Mailbag. We are two months away from the start of the football season for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but it still feels like light-years away.

I’m sure this will reflect that thought quite well.

Let’s get started.

The answer, of course, was quickly given with the new NCAA ruling. We are going to see Phil Jurkovec play some quarterback this fall, and although that’s great for the program and for him, I fear it will only make our fanbase that much more crazy and delusional.

I haven’t watched “The Staircase” yet, and I have no idea what the owl theory means in all of this. I will say, however, that most owl theories are generally sound in nature. It’s why my desktop for my laptop pays homage:

The Vowles Owl owning its territory.

It’s been so long that I forget what this was in reference to. When she fell during an NBA game? If I remember correctly, she finished the performance. She was then done.

So both? (Did I blackout?)

Man — I don’t even want to answer this in June. Brian Kelly could surprise us all and win out in November, but it’s more likely that a loss (or more) will occur. This year, he should have every right to drag Jack Swarbrick’s name through the mud — but of course people would say he’s making excuses.

One home game in October and one home game in November isn’t Brian Kelly’s fault. It’s going to be a rough stretchand I’m sure we will collectively be disappointed in one form or another. Scale of 1-10... 6.

Of course the 1998 blockbuster gave us the blueprint on how to save the planet. I won’t deviate from that formula:

  • Brian Kelly as Harry Stamper. The unquestioned leader — and a bit of a hothead.
  • Tommy Rees as A.J. Frost. Of course Kelly is like a father to Rees whose father worls for Kelly. He’s a risk taker, and he’s constantly looking for the affection of Harry.
  • Drue Tranquill as Chick. More than competant, and with more edge than he lets on.
  • Dexter Williams as Rockhound. Better than you, and better than most — just has a few flaws off the spaceship.
  • Jerry Tillery as Colonel Willie Sharp. Dedicated and a rule follower.
  • Brandon Wimbush as Oscar Choice. I’ve been in that press room... I can see it.
  • Sam Mustipher as Bear. (Quenton Nelson would have been great in this role). The muscle has arrived.
  • Martinas Geben as Lev. I don’t care about the rules here. Geben is perfect and will not be denied.
  • Nic Weishar as Max Lennert. Loves his momma, and I could see #DadBody morphing into this loyal role.
  • Tyler Newsome as Jennifer Watts. His hair can get there. Trust me.
  • Te’von Coney as Gruber. I offer no reasons and I will just stop here.

God I hope so. I think the current uniforms are fantastic.

I’m fairly certain this is the Risen Christ, so unlike Moses, TD Jesus does not need help from Aaron and Hur to keep his arms up — becaue he doesn’t get tired (even in November).

There are only three programs that most Irish fans think of when they think of the phrase, “should be.”

  • Alabama
  • Clemson
  • Ohio State

If they back off the national championship goals, then Stanford is the program most frequently presented as the school to emulate.

I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea, and the more I think about it — the more I like it.

Sure! Notre Dame should switch to green numbers on their road uniforms.

In my own order of preference:

  1. Tyler Eifert
  2. Kyle Rudolph
  3. Anthony Fasano
  4. John Carlson
  5. Jabari Holloway

I’m old enough to state emphatically — there are no good bars to get a beer. The best “place” is wherever a cold PBR awaits.

The Best of Brey

  1. 2014-15. 32-6. ACC Champs, and lost in the Elite 8 to the Kentucky Wildcats. Notre Dame beat the Duke Blue Devils twice that season — the eventual champs.
  2. 2015-16. 24-12. Another Elite 8 run.
  3. 2002-03. 24-10. Hello Sweet 16!
  4. 2007-08. 25-8. Great season with a 2nd round exit.
  5. 2016-17. A good season in a tough conference — but another 2nd round exit.

The Best of Kelly

  1. 2012 Oklahoma Sooners.
  2. 2014 Michigan Wolverines
  3. 2012 Stanford cardinal
  4. 2017 USC Trojans
  5. 2010 USC Trojans

Honorable mention to 2012 USS and 2013 Michigan State Spartans (lol).

[insert facepalm emoji] Okay... some will just be an entire unit.

  • Quarterback: Reno Hightower (The Best of Times)
  • Running Backs: Ray Griffen & Darnell Jefferson (The Program)
  • Offensive Line: The Washington Sentinels (The Replacements)
  • Tight End: Brian Murphy (The Replacements)
  • Wide Receiver: Rod Tidwell (Jerry McGuire)
  • Wide Receiver: Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
  • Defensive Line: Texas State Fighting Armadillos (Necessary Roughness)
  • Linebacker: Shark (Any Given Sunday)
  • Linebacker: Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)
  • Linebacker: Alvin Mack (The Program)
  • Secondary: Central High Wildcats (Wildcats)

No... Nick Saban is not a robot. Before you throw in a “NICK SABAN IS A GOD” we need to state just what exactly Saban is.

He’s not human.

Nick Saban is a demi-god. He’s basically Asclepius. Zeus killed Asclepius with a thunderbolt because he brought Hippolytus (AKA Bama) back from the dead and accepted gold for it. It won’t be long, however, until Saban is put up in the stars, and takes his place as a god.

Robots are for amateurs.