After following the Arizona Cardinals and Los Angeles Rams for its “Hard Knocks”-esque series, “All or Nothing,” Amazon expanded into the college ranks for an eight-episode run with the Michigan Wolverines.
Like most passionate Notre Dame Fighting Irish fans, I can’t stand the Wolverines. I hate their helmets, their fight song, their smug coach and their “Michigan man” nonsense.
I’m going to watch this series, so you don’t have to. These are my real-time reactions of the third episode, with time stamps just in case you do decide, “Yeah, maybe I want to see Wilton Speight’s girlfriend tell him — in a roundabout way — that he sucked last week.”
This episode covers the third game against the Air Force Falcons, the fourth game against the Purdue Boilermakers and the lead up to kickoff against the Michigan State Spartans. It primarily focuses on freshman receiver Tarik Black, who breaks a bone in his foot during the Air Force game.
- 2:05 There’s a huddle, in which coach Jim Harbaugh is overheard saying, “Take the kill off. Take the kill off, Will. Don’t call it with a kill. No kill!” The next shot is quarterback Wilton Speight in shotgun, yelling, “Say kill. Kill! Kill! Kill!” Harbaugh is heard muttering, “Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. No. No. No. No.” Speight hands off to running back Ty Isaac, who promptly gets blown up for a three-yard loss.
Between last episode’s interaction with his girlfriend and this episode’s “kill” snafu, I think we can say Speight has questionable listening ability.
- 6:10 This is the series’ first Greg Mattison sighting, I believe. Mattison, now the defensive line coach for the Wolverines, was the defensive coordinator for Bob Davie’s Fighting Irish from 1997 to 2001 and defensive line coach under Ty Willingham through 2004.
- 16:42 Steve from Ann Arbor calls into a radio show to bitch about Speight’s passing woes:
“Harbaugh’s my guy. I’m not here to say that I know more about who’s the best quarterback to play. But I have more passing yards in the red zone this year than does Wilton Speight. I have zero. He has minus one. I mean, wrap your head around that.”
I wonder if Steve-O is still on the Harbaugh train. Also, bravo to the radio show host for the (accidental?) rhyme of “It’s time to cut bait with Wilton Speight.”
- 18:30 Maurice Hurst (Mo Hurst, if you prefer), a graduate student and defensive tackle, has a “side hustle” as an Uber driver. (He also likes to look at his phone while driving, but I can’t throw stones in that particular glass house.) Hurst asks the guy he’s driving if he thinks Speight should still be the quarterback. “He does some stupid shit,” the rider says.
YES, YES HE DOES.
The NCAA hasn’t weighed in yet on whether student-athletes can double as chauffeurs. But, as this article notes, what’s stopping a booster from dropping a hundo Hurst’s way for a quick trip around the block? If the NCAA is going to care how much schmear a football player puts on his bagel, then they’re eventually going to say something about this too.
- 18:45 Speight and his girlfriend, Ani Sarkisian, are out to dinner commenting on social media posts about Speight’s underwhelming (read: piss poor) performance at quarterback.
“Billy Bob 72 has no impact on me as a quarterback, you know?”
“Yeah, like why would I care what your opinion is?”
“Yeah, I just wish my family would stop reading that stuff.”
“Hashtag inner circle.”
DRATS. BILLYBOB72 IS ALREADY TAKEN ON TWITTER. ALSO: ARE YOU READING SOCIAL MEDIA AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT SPEIGHT’S PARENTS READING IT?
The conversation continues with Sarkisian saying, “But you really didn’t kill it this past game.” (Speight was 14-for-23 with 169 yards, zero touchdowns and a QB rating of 41.1)
“I mean, I was obviously hard on myself.”
“Do you think you played well?”
“Yeah, I mean I thought I did. But, I mean, really, it’s up to what Coach Harbaugh and Coach Pep think. And Harbaugh, he doesn’t care if I throw for 10 yards or 1,000 yards in a game. He just wants to win and me to take care of the ball.”
Oof. Speight had a really sloppy game and he’s telling his girlfriend that he thought he played well. False bravado for the cameras or does he actually believe his own shit?
- 29:16 Speight, who suffered a spine injury, says: “Leading up to that Purdue game, my game was probably the best it had been all year.”
DUDE, YOU WERE 44-FOR-81 WITH THREE TDS AND TWO INTS. Your 121.9 QB rating is eerily similar to that of Irish quarterback Brandon Wimbush, who lost his job at year’s end. IS THIS REALLY THE BEST YOU WERE GOING TO GIVE?
Look, I’m super glad that Speight didn’t suffer a serious injury, such as a paralysis. But it’s impossible to take him seriously when he’s dressed like this:
- 32:40 The Winoviches are terrible singers. PICK A KEY AND STICK WITH IT, PEOPLE.
- 35:15 HEY GUYS, JIM HARBAUGH’S JUMPING IN WATER WITH HIS KHAKIS ON. OH, HE IS JUST SO DARN KOOKY!
- 39:30 Jerry Hanlon, who coached quarterbacks during Harbaugh’s time as an undergrad, comes to practice to give a pep talk:
“Gentlemen, I don’t care about records. I don’t give a damn about who’s out there. When the green and white come into that stadium, you better buckle your chin strap because they’re coming in here to play you hard. You don’t know how hard it is to live in this state if you don’t beat Michigan State.”
OH, JER-BEAR, I THINK THEY’RE GETTING TO KNOW THAT FEELING PRETTY WELL NOW.