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A Notre Dame Fan’s Review of Amazon’s “All or Nothing: The Michigan Wolverines” (Episode 2)

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I’m going to binge-watch this show and make fun of all the ridiculous things Michigan men do and say.

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NCAA Football: Florida at Michigan Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

After following the Arizona Cardinals and Los Angeles Rams for its “Hard Knocks”-esque series, “All or Nothing,” Amazon expanded into the college ranks for an eight-episode run with the Michigan Wolverines.

Like most passionate Notre Dame Fighting Irish fans, I can’t stand the Wolverines. I hate their helmets, their fight song, their smug coach and their “Michigan man” nonsense.

I’m going to watch this series, so you don’t have to. These are my real-time reactions of the second episode, with time stamps just in case you do decide, “Yeah, maybe I do want to see Jim Harbaugh misuse taxpayer dollars for his family’s sole benefit.”

This episode covers the second half of the Florida Gators game through their home opener against the Cincinnati Bearcats. It primarily focuses on senior defensive lineman Chase Winovich, sophomore Rashan Gary and freshmen Donovan Peoples-Jones and Tarik Black.

  • 5:03 Former Notre Dame QB Malik Zaire — who feels like he is “the best in the [NFL] draft at [his] position” — throws a ball off his back foot and gets smacked hip-high by DL Chase Winovich. Ouch.
  • 6:06 More Zaire violence, courtesy of Winovich. Backed up into his own end zone, Zaire holds onto the ball despite a blitz he should be able to see coming. Winovich hits him, Zaire coughs up the ball. Touchdown, Michigan. Gross.
  • 7:37 Deep thoughts by Jim Harbaugh.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go. Because, man, they’re gone.

Whoops, that’s Jack Handey. What Jim said was:

You can’t get two wins ’til you get one win. And we got that one today. Take a lesson fro them, okay? Take a lesson from them. I mean, they said they were gonna kick our ass. Hopefully, it’s a lesson Florida has learned by now by playing Michigan, you know. It’s a lot easier. It’s easier, it’s easier said than done, OK?

OH, I DUNNO, JIM. I’M SURE I COULD FIND FIVE TEAMS THAT FOUND IT PRETTY EASY TO BEAT YOU ALL LAST YEAR.

  • 10:16 Harbaugh drives his kids to school. “Daddy, you’ll get pulled over, so why don’t we slow down?” OH, BACK SEAT DRIVERS, GOT TO LOVE ’EM, RIGHT?!
  • 10:51 Harbaugh’s daughter has a possible ear infection after getting her ears pierced. Instead of taking her to his primary care physician or a quick med, Harbaugh takes her to David Granito, the football team’s director of athletic training.

NICE USE OF TAXPAYER DOLLARS, JIM!

  • 11:33 Jim sticks his ballcap in the waistband of his pants. In the back. That’s not a dad move. That’s just a “weird guy” thing.
Amazon
  • 11:50 The Harbaughs laugh about their blatant misuse of training staff resources. “I’ve been treated for many things,” says Jim’s wife, Sarah. “Ingrown toenail. Stye on my eye.”
  • 16:40 Jim Harbaugh jumps into an ice bath in his khakis and white socks. HE IS SO KOOKY, GUYS!
  • 20:10 The reviews on Winovich’s blonde dye job are in. Lots of laughing from teammates. “He looks like Hannah Montana,” says one. “You look like some 1970s wrestler or something. Like Hulk Hogan dude.”
Amazon
  • 32:15 Wilton Speight, seemingly forgetting (or not caring?) that he’s on camera, is a bit of selfish jerk to his girlfriend, Ani Sarkisian, following a double overtime soccer match.

Speight: “How long do you think the barbecue is going to take? ... Like I don’t have to wait for you?”

Sarkisian: “No.”

“I feel like that’s a trap.”

“It’s not a trap.”

“Like, ‘No, you don’t have to wait.’ It’s just cause it’s Sunday. There’s football on.”

“OK, I’ll cold tub at home.”

“OK, I’ll get a bunch of buckets of ice and you can at my parents condo if you want.”

HEY, WILTON, LET THE WOMAN COLD TUB WHERE SHE WANTS TO. MAYBE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO IT AT YOUR FOLKS’ PLACE SO YOU CAN CATCH SOME FOOTBALL. PLUS YOU ALREADY MISSED THE 1 O’CLOCK GAMES, SO CHILL.

Previous recaps:

  • Episode 1: Bizarre Dairy Queen story, Trevi Fountain faux paus