Notre Dame Blue-Gold Game Has Rules Guaranteed to Make Spring Football No Fun

You are a thief of joy, Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

The university has announced its rules for the 89th Annual Blue-Gold Game, which will be played at 12:30 p.m. Saturday at Notre Dame Stadium (and broadcast on NBCSN).

“The game can end in a tie.”

“Depending on the length of the first half, the second half will feature two 12-minute quarters with a running clock.”

“Quarterbacks in red jerseys will not be live.”

“There will be no kickoffs.”

“All punts will be fair caught.”

“No rush permitted on punts, PATs and field goals. No fakes on punts, PATs and field goals.”

Scoring is as follows:

OFFENSE

• Touchdown: 6 points
• Extra Point: 1 point
• 2-point Conversion: 2 points
• Field Goal: 3 points

DEFENSE

• Touchdown: 6 points
• Turnover Forced: 3 points
• Three-and-out: 3 points
• Stop: 2 points
• Sack/Tackle for loss: 1 point

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN IF BRANDON WIMBUSH WILL HOLD UP UNDER PRESSURE IF HE KNOWS HE WON’T BE HIT?

WHY YA GOTTA DO CHRIS FINKE SO DIRTY, RULES PEOPLE?

I’M SORRY. I LEFT MY STABLEFORD SCORING SYSTEM MANUAL AT HOME. I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WAS NEEDED HERE.

A TIE IS LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER. THAT IS NOT KEEPING WITH OUR CATHOLIC TRADITION.