2018 NCAA FBS All-Name Teams

If any of you have followed me on One Foot Down, or on Twitter, or at Slap the Sign a couple years ago, you know that I am a MASSIVE fan of great college athlete names. Every year, I like to pore over each and every FBS team’s roster, identifying my favorite names in a search for the elite of the elite. It’s a long, tedious, headache-inducing process, and I savor every second of it.

This year was no different, as back in August I spent hours of my free time meticulously examining the 130 FBS team rosters to pull out any and all monikers I enjoyed for any number of reasons. Our beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish, per usual, had a few great ones — specifically freshman RB C’bo Flemister. But upon further inspection, there are a TON more amazing names out there once you delve into everyone else’s rosters. I needed to find all of the best ones and aggregate them in one perfect list.

So, how many names did I end up pulling out of my ESPN.com roster-reading to consider in this annual pronouncement of the best names in college football?

This year, it was 1,555 names.

Obviously, I can’t write an article about 1,555 names. Well, I mean, I could — but that would be a bit much, and I don’t think it’d be fair to the best of the best names to have their glory diluted by names that I only sorta liked.

So, I whittled the list down. From 1,555 qualifiers, to 501 quarter-finalists, to 220 semifinalists, to 99 finalists.

Making those cuts was frustratingly difficult, as I had to eliminate some amazing celebrity-esque names (Coby Bryant, John Stamos, Michael Jackson, Grant Hill, KeeSean Johnson, Stephen King, etc.), a lot of somewhat-inappropriate-but-funny names (Jeff Woodcock, Evan Butts, Kenneth Dicks III, Billy Nipp, Brennon Dingle, Brendan Suckley, Ken Handy-Holly, etc.), a number of unfortunate names (Gary Overshown, Edward Pequeno, Allen Fails, Riley Whimpey, Tommy Tremble, Shaun Shivers, etc.), and others I just liked but weren’t excellent enough to make it through the cuts (Jamie Sackville, Clay Greathouse, Jawon Pass, Dalton Counts, Kellen McAlone, Delarrin Turner-Yell, Pro Wells, Camaron Cheeseman, Aslan Pugh, Ty Tyler, TJ McGettigan, Tony Ransom, Johnny Johnson III, etc.)

So, you can imagine the heartache and second-guessing that went into paring down the 99 finalists into a slightly more manageable list of overall winners. I followed my heart, though, and finished with 62 names that I felt HAD to be included.

So, I then took those 62 and split them into 1st Team, 2nd Team, and 3rd Team tiers. You can find that breakdown at the bottom of this article.

First, though, I want to hand out some individual, superlative awards. We’ve gotta talk about some of these, you guys. They’re so, so, so good.

Most Likely to Be the Name of a 1990s Hip Hop DJ

Rock Ya-Sin (CB, Temple Owls)

Derik Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Be the Name of a Fancy Cartoon Turtle

Sheldrick Redwine (DB, Miami Hurricanes)

Most Oxymoronic Name

Divine Deablo (DB, Virginia Tech Hokies)

Most Likely to Be the Name of a Puppet in Sneaker Commercials

Lil’Jordan Humphrey (WR, Texas Longhorns)

John Gutierrez-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Be a Villain in a Super Mario Game Focused on Luigi

Luiji Vilain (DL, Michigan Wolverines)

Most Apt Description of a Snowy Geographic Region

Squally Canada (RB, BYU Cougars)

Most Likely to Be an Office Supply

Jet Toner (K, Stanford Cardinal)

Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Be a Porn Star

Ceejhay French-Love (TE, Arizona State Sun Devils)

Most Likely to Be a Baby Name Given to a Baby Birthed at a Risqué Math Competition

Racey McMath (WR, LSU Tigers)

Most Likely to Be a Career Magician

Joey Magnifico (TE, Memphis Tigers)

Most Likely to Be President

Chad President (QB, Tulsa Golden Hurricane)

Most Likely to Be Chad President When He Switches His Major to Art from Political Science During His Junior Year

Chad Artist (WR, Utah State Aggies)

Most Likely to Remind You of The Good Old Days of America’s National Pastime

Dom Maggio (P, Wake Forest Demon Deacons)

Most Likely to Be Something Said in One of the Pitch Perfect Movies

Aca’Cedric Ware (RB, USC Trojans)

Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Still Be Single

Batchlor Johnson (WR, Utah Utes)

Most Likely to Be a Horse

Mason McHorse (FB, Texas Tech Red Raiders)

Most Likely to Be a Furry, Tree-Gnawing Mammal Who Gets Booked for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

DJ Beavers (LB, Washington Huskies)

Most Likely to Give Up

Jaevon McQuitty (WR, Nebraska Cornhuskers)

Most Likely to Be More Jamy Than Jamyer Williams

Jamyest Williams (DB, South Carolina Gamecocks)

Most Likely to Be More Saucy Than Joseph Saucy

Joseph Saucier (RB, Air Force Falcons)

Most Likely to Be Darker-Complected Than a Typical Farmer

Tanner Farmer (OL, Nebraska Cornhuskers)

Most Likely to Be More Than Six Banks

Sevyn Banks (CB, Ohio State Buckeyes)

Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Be the Early-in-the-Week Plans of Some Teens

Smoke Monday (DB, Auburn Tigers)

Most Likely to Secretly Be a Vigilante Superhero

Justice Powers (OL, UAB Blazers)

Most Likely to Secretly Be a Really Un-intimidating Vigilante Superhero

Justice Bean (WR, Texas A&M Aggies)

Most Likely to Survive in a The Revenant Situation

Baer Hunter (OL, Appalachian State Mountaineers)

Most Likely to Have Parents Who Are Fans of Roald Dahl and Probably the Middle Name “And The Giant”

James Peach (OL, Troy Trojans)

Most Likely to Be Playing the Wrong Position

RB Marlow III (WR, Bowling Green Falcons)

Troy Wayrynen-USA TODAY Sports

Most Likely to Definitely Be Udonis Haslem’s Son

Kedonis Haslem (OL, Toledo Rockets)

Most Likely to Be Someone You Can Call for Free

Rico Tolefree (LB, San Jose State Spartans)

Most Likely to Be a Fun Bar/Basement Activity

Bumper Pool (LB, Arkansas Razorbacks)

Most Likely to Be What You Say About Your Ruler/God if They Are Fair and Righteous

Milord Juste (DL, Florida International Golden Panthers)

Most Likely to Be the Alter Egos of One Strong, Capable, Sensitive Man

Manly Williams (DL, Hawaii Warriors) and Gentle Williams (OL, California Golden Bears)

Most Likely to Be The Guy You Know Who’s Very Genuine

Sincere David (DT, Ole Miss Rebels)

Most Likely to Be What You Say When Ben Does His Cow Impression

Ben Moos (LB, California Golden Bears)

I could go on and on, but alas, this article is already sorta long and I haven’t even named the winners and where they rank among the best. So, without any further babbling, here are my top 62 names in college football. Please feel free to heatedly debate them, as well as the exclusion of numerous other extremely deserving names, in the comments.

CFB FBS All-Name 1st Team

• Rock Ya-Sin (CB, Temple Owls)
• Justice Dingle (LB, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets)
• Boosie Whitlow (LB, Louisville Cardinals)
• Sheldrick Redwine (DB, Miami Hurricanes)
• Divine Deablo (DB, Virginia Tech Hokies)
• Lil’Jordan Humphrey (WR, Texas Longhorns)
• Quondarius Qualls (LB, West Virginia Mountaineers)
• Luiji Vilain (DL, Michigan Wolverines)
• Royal Silver (DL, Minnesota Golden Gophers)
• Dicaprio Bootle (DB, Nebraska Cornhuskers)
• Bearooz Yacoobi (OL, Purdue Boilermakers)
• Rachad Wildgoose (CB, Wisconsin Badgers)
• Fish McWilliams (DL, UAB Blazers)
• Squally Canada (RB, BYU Cougars)
• George Georgopoulos (P, Massachusetts Minutemen)
• Keni-H Lovely (DB, Western Michigan Broncos)
• Rojesterman Farris II (DB, Hawaii Warriors)
• Q’ Drennan (WR, New Mexico Lobos)
• My-King Johnson (DE, Arizona Wildcats)
• Ceejhay French-Love (TE, Arizona State Sun Devils)
• Jet Toner (K, Stanford Cardinal)
• Thunder Keck (LB, Stanford Cardinal)
• Bumper Pool (LB, Arkansas Razorbacks)
• Smoke Monday (DB, Auburn Tigers)
• Brodarious Hamm (OL, Auburn Tigers)
• Racey McMath (WR, LSU Tigers)
• Baer Hunter (OL, Appalachian State Mountaineers)
• Amon-Ra Julian Heru J. St. Brown (WR, USC Trojans)
• Hamp Cheevers (DB, Boston College Eagles)

CFB FBS All-Name 2nd Team

• C’Borius Flemister (RB, Notre Dame Fighting Irish)
• Osiris Adrian Amon-Ra J. St. Brown (WR, Stanford Cardinal)
• Mac Loudermilk (P, Central Florida Knights)
• Joseph Saucier (RB, Air Force Falcons)
• Jazzee Stocker (DB, Pittsburgh Panthers)
• Whop Philyor (WR, Indiana Hoosiers)
• Milord Juste (DL, Florida International Golden Panthers)
• Sage Doxtater (OL, New Mexico State Aggies)
• Yo’Heinz Tyler (WR, Ball State Cardinals)
• Manly Williams (DL, Hawaii Warriors)
• Gentle Williams (OL, California Golden Bears)
• Poutasi Poutasi (OL, California Golden Bears)
• Big Kat Bryant (LB, Auburn Tigers)
• Bunchy Stallings (G, Kentucky Wildcats)
• Geor’quarius Spivey (TE, Mississippi State Bulldogs)
• Sincere David (DT, Ole Miss Rebels)
• LaTrell Bumphus (TE, Tennessee Volunteers)
• Derambez Drinkard (CB, Coastal Carolina Chanticleers)
• Bull Barge (LB, South Alabama Jaguars)
• Montego Muckelvaney (WR, UL Monroe Warhawks)
• Joquarius Savage (OL, UL Monroe Warhawks)

CFB FBS All-Name Honorable Mention

• Jay-Jay McCargo (C, North Carolina Tar Heels)
• Isaiahh Loudermilk (DE, Wisconsin Badgers)
• Quindarius Thagard (DL, UAB Blazers)
• Carlton Cleophat (LB, Central Michigan Chippewas)
• Dougladson Subtyl (DL, Arizona State Sun Devils)
• Tariqious Tisdale (DL, Ole Miss Rebels)
• Jazuun Outlaw (DL, South Carolina Gamecocks)
• Armond Weh-Weh (RB, Arkansas State Red Wolves)
• Frendy Darelus (DE, Buffalo Bulls)
• Knowledge Smith (DB, Nevada Wolfpack)
• Ben Moos (LB, California Golden Bears)
• Tyrrell Pigrome (QB, Maryland Terrapins)

If I had to choose my absolute favorites, I’d go with Rock Ya-Sin, Justice Dingle, Dicaprio Bootle, Divine Deablo, Quondarius Qualls, Rachad Wildgoose, Squally Canada, George Georgopoulos, Q’ Drennan, Ceejhay French-Love, Bumper Pool, Smoke Monday, Racey McMath, and Baer Hunter.

With all that said, I’d really appreciate everyone else’s thoughts and feelings in the comments. Who are your favorites? Who got snubbed? Who’s going to be the first to mention how these names sound like a Key & Peele sketch?

Let’s discuss, you guys — it’s an off-week, so we need something to talk about.