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Notre Dame Football: Bye Week Q&A with (Unfortunately) Pat Rick

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Pat Rick asked for your questions on social media. Per usual, you delivered in some of the weirdest possible ways.

NCAA Football: Pittsburgh at Notre Dame Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

Ladies and gentlemen, it seems absolutely crazy, but it’s absolutely true — we’ve reached the bye week of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football season.

And, more so, the Irish not only have managed to remain a football team up to this point in the year of our Lord 2018, but they have also somehow put together a flawless record through the first 58% of their games.

NCAA Football: Stanford at Notre Dame Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

We could dive into all sorts of analyses and predictions and prognostications for the final 5 games of the season, but instead, I wanted to stay true to our regular Wednesday Q&A format.

Thus, instead of asking an opposing website some hard-hitting questions, I asked you all — my loyal readers and Twitter followers and real-life friends and Facebook friends — to send me all the questions your little hearts desired.

What I got back, of course, was beautiful. The below questions are the tough ones that most journalists refuse to answer — let alone ask — about the Notre Dame football program.

Fortunately, I am not most journalists.

Fortunately, I can barely call myself a journalist at all.

Let’s get weird.

***

What sort of park would BK build in Roller Coaster Tycoon?

- Matt Niendorf

Pat Rick: Brian Kelly would be the absolute worst amusement park creator/manager. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

However, unlike the rest of us who did many of the below things because we thought they were funny, BK would absolutely do the below things in a sincere and serious fashion, muttering the whole time about how he’s been building theme parks for 25 years:

  • His park would be full of shitty rides like the slide and the haunted house
  • He would charge for bathrooms
  • People would puke all over the sidewalks because the bathrooms are too expensive
  • The puke would remain on the sidewalks because BK would refuse to waste precious funds on custodians. He’s way too concerned about the bottom line
  • He’d strive to create realistic, safe, and only moderately exciting custom-built roller coasters. He wouldn’t even CONSIDER building one that goes too fast and shoots the coaster off the tracks, plunging to a fiery death
  • He’d pick up guests who were complaining about his park with those tweezers they let you use to pick people up, and he would drown them in the lake. Very responsive to feedback, this one.

Note: this is a great move to keep park ratings high, and I definitely used to do it, although not to this extreme level of murder:

  • He would hire those dumb mascots, but for real entertainment purposes and not because it’s funny to drown them or drop them in the wilderness and watch them wander
  • On that topic, he would never once pick up guests/mascots and abandon them in the wilderness on the outskirts of the park property only to watch them wander, which is fun as hell — especially since you can see what those guests are thinking and it’s always something like “I CAN’T FIND THE PARK EXIT!” God I miss playing this game

Well, there you have it, folks. Welcome to RKG-Land, where you’re always disappointed in the end (but can’t find the exit to leave).

I swear, based on the above things that I mostly enjoyed doing in Rollercoaster Tycoon (with the exception of building boring rides and roller coasters), I am not a current or future serial killer.*

*Pat Rick Editor’s Note: This is EXACTLY what a current or future serial killer would say

What is BK’s favorite Backer song?

- Kevin Eller

Pat Rick: Unbelievably tough question, my friend.

To figure this out, I made a list of all the main Backer songs I could think of off the top of my head. I’m sure I missed some, but here’s what I’ve got — please be aware that these are the titles for the songs in my head...I refuse to look up and validate these song titles:

“I Wanna Dance With Somebody”; “All I Want for Christmas is You”; “Oh What a Night (December 1963)”; “God Bless the USA”; “Notre Dame Victory March”; “My Heart Will Go On”; “Walking on Broken Glass”; “Come On Eileen”; “Africa”; “Billie Jean”; “Livin’ On a Prayer”; “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) — The DUH DUH DUH song”; “Take Me Home Tonight”; “Brown Eyed Girl”; “Jessie’s Girl”; “Ignition Remix”; “How Can We Be Lovers;” “I’m On a Boat”; “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now”; “Rocky Top”; “Go Cubs Go”; “Country Roads”; “I Just Had Sex”; “Like a Prayer”; “I Want It That Way (I Want It Franco)”; “Wagon Wheel”; “Callin’ Baton Rouge”; “September”

Looking at this list, I think the most likely choices are “Livin’ On a Prayer,” “September,” “Walking On Broken Glass,” and “My Heart Will Go On.”

I will go with “Walking on Broken Glass,” because I think that song perfectly encapsulates watching Brian Kelly-coached teams — incredibly fun a lot of the time, but when you remember the song is about walking on broken glass, that’s pretty painful — just like when BK teams get to November.** Also, I can see BK doing the dance that my friend Andy always does to this song. He’d look dumb doing it, but still.

**Pat Rick Editor’s Note: “September” was the runner-up because of how fondly we all look back on September once November has done its usual psychological damage to the fan base

Rudy?

- Michael Sullivan

Pat Rick: Marty.

Why is Notre Dame only marginally better than every single opponent they play regardless of their opponents’ skill level?

- Matt Cseter

Pat Rick: There’s no fun in being consistently superior and dominating everyone and always fielding a championship-level football team. How could that possibly be enjoyable?

Why? And how?

- Wes Bryan

Pat Rick: To what extent?

Will the Fighting Irish ever return to their former glory in football? If so, how will they do it? By Fighting Irish, I mean the Cathedral Fighting Irish.

- Russell McFall

Pat Rick: Cathedral never left, baby!!!

If Quasimodo were to try out for this year’s team, which position would give him the best chance of starting in order to impress Esmeralda, so he could finally quit being cuck’d in favor of the much stronger and handsomer Captain Phoebus?

- Adam Chandler

Pat Rick: Considering his hunched stature and thus low pad level, I’m thinking Quasimodo would be best suited to try out at fullback, where he can toss that crazy hunched-back of his forward with reckless abandon and help clear the way on the goal line.

He’s also got the grit and the toughness to do it, considering the rough life he’s had to endure. This would be a natural fit at a position the Irish don’t currently have filled, except by tight ends. I think he’s got this — Esmeralda, take note.

Hunchback of Notre Dame — where are they today?

- Danielle Jacobs Andrus

Pat Rick: Clearly trying to walk on to the Notre Dame football team at a defunct position so he can impress Esmeralda and stop being cuck’d in favor of Captain Phoebus. Duh.

Notre Dame? Shouldn’t it be spelled Noter Dame? I say Noter Dame when I say it, not Notre Dame. Is it Notre Dame because only rich elites get in and you leave out the common man? Make Noter Dame Great Again!

- Alex Andrus

Pat Rick: Let me answer each of your questions to ensure I address everything:

Notre Dame?

You betcha.

Shouldn’t it be spelled Noter Dame?

Who’s to say?

I say Noter Dame when I say it, not Notre Dame.

Neat. Not a question.

Is it Notre Dame because only rich elites get in and you leave out the common man?

Almost certainly.

Make Noter Dame Great Again!

No thank you.

Top 5 power rankings for who has the best BD energy on the team? Keeping it clean cuz kids and Catholicism. Would also like detailed explanations for why you chose each ranking. Also who has the least and why would be interesting. It can include coaching staff as well!

- Alison Meagher

Pat Rick: To clarify for my readers, BD Energy or BDE stands for “Big Dick Energy,” and essentially it’s just a crude term to mean swagger/confidence/a certain gravitas and charisma some people have.

Having it is certainly a nice thing, but not having it is not necessarily an indictment of someone. I want to make that clear up front, because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing people under the bus during the Bottom 5 portion. For the most part, that’s not true.

So, in terms of BDE on this football team, here is how I would rank the Top 5 and Bottom 5...

Top 5:

1. Te’von Coney: his arms-crossing celebration, his size/speed/power combination, his tiny little dog, Lola...this is a no-brainer

2. Chase Claypool: everything he does is cocky, and the guy’s athleticism is leaps and bounds above almost everyone on the field — the fact he scores TDs as a starting WR and also makes unreal special teams tackles every game just screams BDE

3. Julian Love: confidence, swagger, elite skill and dominates opponents...not to mention a penchant for huge plays and scoring defensive TDs...easy choice

4. Drue Tranquill: some might scoff at this because he’s a little nerdy with his engineering degree and whatnot, but this video is the only evidence I need to include him in my top 5:

5. Justin Yoon: That bow is EVERYTHING.

Honorable Mention: Khalid Kareem, Julian Okwara, Alohi Gilman, Ian Book, Dexter Williams, Clark Lea, Thomas Kevin Rees

Bottom 5:

1. Brian Kelly: Similar to Tranquill, one video says it all:

2. Nic Weishar: Nicest guy on the team, awesome story to root for considering everything he’s done through his family’s foundation, but anyone nicknamed “Dad Body” isn’t a leader in BDE...sorry man!

3. Jerry Tillery: This may be a hot take, but anyone as ridiculously goofy as Terry Jillery just doesn’t have BDE, no matter how many offensive linemen he destroys. Remember when the seniors made him wear his helmet into the porta-potty in A Season With Notre Dame Football???

4. Brian Polian: Jesus, man — try stopping a kickoff return once in a while

5. Tyler Newsome: I shouldn’t have to explain this one

NCAA Football: Vanderbilt at Notre Dame Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

Despite the boring-as-hell current Shamrock Series rotation of Meadowlands-San Antonio-Yankee Stadium-repeat, and the fact that it’s a stupid idea to give up a home game, if we have to keep doing this, what future Shamrock Series sites would you like to see? Feel free to be as realistic (Superdome) or unrealistic (Augusta National) as you want to be.

- Joe Gadient

Pat Rick: Joe said it, but let me be clear — I would be fine with ND never playing a neutral site Shamrock Series game again. I think they’re stupid and MUCH less fun than playing opponents at their home stadiums.

However, if I had to pick neutral sites for games that would be neat, here are a few ideas:

Realistic Options I’d Like to See

The Superdome, Arrowhead Stadium, Mile High Stadium, Wrigley Field, Miller Park, Oriole Park at Camden Yards (all three of these baseball stadiums might have space limitations, but still), U.S. Bank Stadium, any of the massive high school stadiums in Texas (go right after those recruits), The Big House (so ND and its opponent can trash the place)

Unrealistic Options I’d Like to See

The Grand Canyon, The Amazon Rainforest, The Roman Colosseum, a US Navy aircraft carrier, Gettysburg, The National Mall, The Mall of America, somewhere in Alaska, Estadio Azteca, the homemade field from the semi-state game in Season 1 of Friday Night Lights

Just review every movie that was in theaters at the same time as Rudy.

- Harrison Hensley

Pat Rick: Please note that I have not seen the vast majority of these because I am #uncultured. 1993 was an incredible year for movies, though — it’s commonly referred to, in my apartment, as the Golden Year of 90s Movies.

Gonna give each one in this list a quick review based either on what I know/remember about them or based on the title of the movie.

  • Hocus Pocus: witches and a talking cat or something...I just saw this for the first time last year, and it definitely disappointed
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas: overrated but decent movie that also creeps me out...but some catchy tunes I guess
  • Jurassic Park: hold onto your butts
  • Schindler’s List: Liam Neeson falling ass backwards into saving Jewish people from the Nazis, as far as I understand it (never seen it, this is based on a Wikipedia summary)
  • Dazed and Confused: me after my weekly 3-hour nap on Sunday afternoons
  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Robin Williams goes undercover to creep on his family. “Really weird when you think about it!” - Roger Ebert
  • Tombstone: good, but not great, frozen pizza brand
  • The Sandlot: movie that defined my childhood...will never not be one of my favorites
  • The Fugitive: a movie about a criminal, I guess
  • Addams Family Values: probably bad, but the theme song still bangs
  • What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: no idea...why does the grape have a name? and why did they pick Gilbert as that name?
  • Groundhog Day: Bill Murray keeps doing the same shit...honestly this movie was a little repetitive
  • Sleepless in Seattle: a riveting documentary about insomniacs in the Pacific Northwest
  • Philadelphia: This is not a movie, just the name of a city. Not sure how it got in here
  • Robin Hood: Men in Tights: pretty funny, has Dave Chappelle in it
  • Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday: The final chapter in a movie series that has another chapter that just came out this year
  • Super Mario Bros.: this is a video game
  • Indecent Proposal: I’m guessing...a naked guy proposes to his girlfriend?
  • Rookie of the Year: based on a true story, a young boy breaks his arm and can suddenly throw 100 mph. He’s signed by the Chicago Cubs, leads them to the NLCS, and then wins them the pennant by throwing a slow-pitch softball league toss past the best hitter in the league (how the hell does that work?)
  • Kalifornia: misspelled US state
  • So I Married an Axe Murderer: stinks
  • Much Ado About Nothing: this movie is literally about nothing...Shakespeare’s take on Seinfeld
  • The Three Musketeers: solid but not spectacular candy bar
  • Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey: I fucking love the Homeward Bound movies — sorry for cursing, mom
  • RoboCop 3: prequel to RoboCop 4
  • Dennis the Menace: instant classic — one of the best films of all-time
  • Coneheads: one of my dad’s favorite movies — pretty funny but he over-quoted it growing up
  • Cool Runnings: John Candy teaching Jamaicans how to bobsled??? WHAT?!?!?!
  • Leprechaun: Go Irish!!!
  • Gettysburg: Movie about the site of Herman Boone’s famous speech to the 1971 TC Williams Titans
  • Grumpy Old Men: idk, old mad dudes I guess
  • The Pelican Brief: short film about birds who live near the sea
  • Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: Whoopi and the sisters teaching school kids how to groove...somehow I have actually seen this one, and enjoy it
  • Free Willy: “Things can happen”
  • The Secret Garden: as you would suspect, a secret garden is not very interesting
  • The Program: movie about sprots
  • Wayne’s World 2: I only just saw Wayne’s World for the first time this past winter, so I guess it’s just more of that?
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux: Charlie Sheen and other people in a war version of Scary Movie 3
  • Beethoven’s 2nd: 1993 Academy Award winner for Best Picture

Which current Notre Dame player (or coach) is most likely to be a Bachelorette contestant in the future? What would this person’s listed “profession” be? Finally, would this person be popular/infamous enough to subsequently be cast on Bachelor in Paradise?

- Michael French

Pat Rick: First and foremost, I truly, truly wish I could choose Big Game Bob Diaco for this. With that hair and smile and all those weird quotes and ideas he has, he would sweep the Bachelorette off her feet.

NCAA Football: Tulane at Connecticut
Smoldering.
David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

From the current team of players, I would have probably chosen Drue Tranquill, but he is, alas, spoken for (got married this past summer).

So, my choice is definitely Julian Love, because he’s a good looking guy, charismatic, and could probably go far in the competition considering his ability to shut down his competition and prevent them from scoring, while also showing a propensity for scoring himself.

NCAA Football: Southern California at Notre Dame Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

His listed profession? I’m gonna go with “Owns His Own Island” or “Hamburglar” or something that plays on his ability to play shut down defense/take the ball away from the opposition.

Finally, I think he would be popular enough to make it to Bach in Paradise, but definitely wouldn’t be put there to be infamous or a villain or anything. Instead he’d be the nice guy who either coupled up with someone super early on, or spent the entire show playing the field and constantly coupling up with a new girl each episode.

Honorable mention choices: Jerry Tillery (would be unreal in terms of entertainment value), Tyler Newsome (seems weird enough to be super interesting), Ian Book (like Jesse Palmer, but talented), Alohi Gilman (good-looking, athletic Hawaiian man? The Bachelorette will swoon).

How often do you wake up at night sweating thinking about the possibility of playing a real team (Alabama...or Florida) in the playoff?

- Stevie Scheller

Pat Rick: Go away, Stevie.

ND is obvs. the best fanbase to be a part of, but are there other fan bases you’re occasionally envious of (Wisconsin - great party town, solid team, mountains of beer, brats, and cheese), 100% not envious of (Rutgers - is Rutgers, likely in New Jersey, need I say more?), and somewhere in between (Bama - wild success, but it gets boring after a while plus you very likely live in Alabama)?

- Joe Gadient

Pat Rick:

Occasionally Envious Of

Envious of the below because they’re mostly likable and consistently successful programs (plus Washington State is just fun AF):

Wisconsin, Georgia, Clemson, LSU, Michigan State, Washington State (Mike Leach at coach? Oh hell yeah I want that)

100% Not Envious Of

Rutgers, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Georgia Tech (triple option at a P5 school? Woof), Michigan and Penn State (throwing up in my mouth from how terrible they both are and how little big-time success they ultimately have had historically)

NCAA Football: Maryland at Rutgers Gregory Fisher-USA TODAY Sports

Somewhere In Between

These would be successful programs to be a fan of, but it would suck being a part of their fan base and living in some of those places.

Alabama, Ohio State, Texas, Florida, Florida State, Miami, Oklahoma

Inspired by Chase Claypool’s success...should we be recruiting more in other countries? If so, what are the top 5 untapped international markets?

- Arnav Dutt

Pat Rick: Absolutely. Set up those international pipelines!!!

International Markets I Would Tap Into:

  • Nigeria - birthplace of Romeo and Julian Okwara...keep pulling pass rushing talent from here, preferably with the last name Okwara
  • American Samoa - technically a territory of the US, but still...they crank out football studs
  • Australia - no better international source for good punters
  • Canada - Chase Claypool, Bronco Nagurski, technically TJ Jones...there are some good finds here
  • Russia - I feel like, in Russia, there’s an untapped market of big, beefy boys raised on vodka and refusing to wear sleeves in cold weather. No data to back this up, just a hunch

If you were to design “the shirt” what would your catch phrase, color, and artwork be? Why?

- Gabriella Meagher

Pat Rick:

Not Inappropriate

Catch Phrase = Lyrics of the entire song “Here Come the Irish” by Cathy Richardson

Color = Green

Artwork = Golden Tate swan-diving into the Michigan State band

Pretty Inappropriate

Catch Phrase = “I’m knockin’ dicks in the dirt.” - Robert Blanton

This is an obscure quote that I can now only find reference to on message boards, but apparently this is something Robert Blanton said early on in his ND career/maybe as an incoming freshman?

I believe it, because during an open practice my freshman year at ND, Blanton, after breaking up a pass, shouted for everyone in the stadium to hear, “TOO FUCKIN’ EASY!”

Robert Blanton was awesome. Tons of BDE there.

Color = Green

Artwork = Quenton Nelson choke-slamming that LSU defender last year

You are offered 2 lifetime season tickets to ND games, in seats of your choosing. The only catch is you have to spend the last 2 hours before every game in front of the reflecting pool asking people if they want you to take their picture doing the Touchdown Jesus pose. Do you take that offer?

- Pat Condon

Pat Rick: Yes, I hop on that offer.

I’m weird this way, but I enjoy taking those kinds of pictures because I also take multiple selfies on the camera/phone I’m handed when I do so, no matter whose it is. Being able to give strangers a bunch of selfies of me on their own devices, along with getting those 2 tickets, would be a dream come true.

The one downside would be the awkwardness and feeling of being annoying when I have to ask people if they want me to take pics, but once I get over that after a game or two, I will gladly do this for 2 tickets wherever I want them in the stadium.

Do you know the muffin man?

- Keith Marrero

The muffin man?

- Russell McFall

The muffin man.

- Keith Marrero

Pat Rick: She’s married to...the muffin man.

Which player on the active roster do you most closely resemble? And how much would you need in monthly child support to agree to adopt him?

- Luke Flood

Pat Rick: Tyler Newsome for sure.

But actually, if I had to pick someone, I’d say some mix of John Shannon, Robert Hainsey, and Josh Lugg? Mainly I’m looking for beefier guys with brown hair here.

I would need roughly $5,000 per month to agree to support a division 1 football player — since he’d eat me out of house and home, amiright????

I’m going to need you to compare 5 current ND players to Pokemon and why you made the choices you did. Criteria is totally up to you.

- Matt “Serglock Holmes” Sergi

Pat Rick:

  • Jerry Tillery = Snorlax, because he’s big and hilarious
  • Chris Finke = Vulpix, because his nickname is “Slippery Fox,” so you know this had to be done
  • Chase Claypool = Hitmonchan, because I just think his body kinda resembles him (athletic, lanky) and he could be a good boxer. Plus, the hair seems similar???
  • Drue Tranquill = Machoke, because the resemblance is uncanny
Didn’t even need to photoshop this one - this is just a picture of Drue Tranquill
  • Te’von Coney = Machamp, because it truly feels like he has that many super-strong arms sometimes with the plays he makes

Power rank your top 5 tailgate foods.

- Conor “Corn” VanDyke

Pat Rick:

  1. Hamm’s Premium (say whatever you want, I consider this a tailgate food that I require for sustenance)
  2. Chicken tender platter from Meijer
  3. Chili
  4. Cheeseburgers
  5. I don’t know, cookies or something

Who are Notre Dame’s top rival schools who they don’t really play (i.e. non-regular opponents)? Maybe they’ve played once since 2000, or maybe they’ve never played them (seems unlikely given how old ND is) — but it can’t be the usual suspects. Thanks.

- Tyler Butler

Pat Rick: Well, kind of a weird question considering it’s hard to have top rivals that you never play, but I guess teams like Miami, FSU, and Alabama all have histories with Notre Dame that rarely get explored anymore (and when they do, things like the 2012 BCS National Championship game or last year’s Miami game happen, so I don’t want to talk about it).

Otherwise, I guess teams like Army or University of Chicago or anyone the Irish used to play in the early 1900s would qualify for this question as well.

If Notre Dame decided to reboot their football team into a cinematic universe (like Warner Bros. did after the most recent Batman trilogy), which cinematic universe would it most closely resemble? Extra points for using an obscure cinematic universe and also explaining how that cinematic universe is a cinematic universe. Cinematic universe.

- Tyler Butler

Pat Rick: The Harry Potter universe, for sure.

The Alabama Crimson Tide are the Death Eaters, led by Nick Saban as Voldemort, having sold their souls many a time in order to come back from the dead a little over a decade ago and become a superpower bent on world domination once again.

The ND program, meanwhile, is the Order of the Phoenix.

The 2012 team was the first iteration of the Order, having fought Voldemort but also having failed to vanquish him.

And the 2018 team is the new Order of the Phoenix, but in an alternate ending where Voldemort again is not destroyed. Because this ND program is still, in no way, going to defeat Alabama.

Michigan is some shitty, irrelevant character from Fantastic Beasts...kinda cute they want to be included, but they’re not good enough for the big show.

If you could change one thing about Notre Dame Stadium (stadium structure, concessions, media, etc.), what would it be?

- Jack-O-Lanterniart (Jack Leniart)

Pat Rick: It would, without question, be having Red Panda as the every-game halftime act. She would practice with the band each week to incorporate her art into the band’s performance, and we wouldn’t have to see the band Chicago ever again!

NBA All-Star Game 2016 Photo by Vaughn Ridley/Getty Images

Alternatively, healthy and able people who don’t stand and cheer for 3rd downs on defense should be forced to switch seats with people behind them who are doing so, or asked to leave the stadium. It’s ridiculous so many people are sitting on third downs when the Irish are on defense and in a close game (*cough* everyone around me at the Pitt game *cough*).

You live in 1 of 12 districts in the capital of Panem. The district forces you to select 1 male called a “Tribute” to compete in a nationally televised event called the “Hunger Games.” Who on ND’s roster do you want to volunteer as Tribute and why?

- Philip Gough

Pat Rick: Te’von Coney or Alohi Gilman or Julian Okwara are the ones who immediately come to mind.

Coney reminds me of a Thresh kind of guy — big, strong, a fierce but reluctant killer.

Okwara, meanwhile, is just a freak of nature with his size, length, and speed. I imagine he would be able to just run a bunch of his competition down in the beginning near the Cornucopia.

Finally, Gilman seems like a wily, Katniss-type who could climb trees, survive, and be able to kill anybody when necessary. He’s just talented and full of heart.

Overall, I’m gonna choose Coney. Not sure anyone could beat him out there, especially once he starts intimidating everyone with his arms-crossed pose.

Which ND Coaches would be which characters from the cinematic masterpiece National Treasure?

- Drew BeerMeMore (@dreamscomedrew)

Benjamin Franklin Gates (Nicholas Cage): Thomas Kevin Rees, because he’s the natural protagonist/hero on this coaching staff and because with his criminal record, he’s clearly a natural fit to lead a heist of this kind of significance

Patrick Gates (Jon Voight): Brian Kelly, because he is Tom Rees’ father (or something)

Riley Poole (Justin Bartha): Brian Polian, because both serve as comic relief

Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger): Chip Long, because his offense is essentially what Brian Kelly is most attracted to in this world, just as Benny Gates is most attracted to Gail

Ian Howe (Sean Bean): Clark Lea, because he’s a baaaaad man

Sadusky (Harvey Keitel): Jeff Quinn, because like this guy is an FBI agent trying to stop the theft of the Declaration of Independence, Quinn is trying to stop the theft of the safety and health of Ian Book, who you could argue was the ND offense’s own declaration of independence (to run any play in the playbook)

I do NOT know who the other characters in the cast are at this point in my IMDB research. I clearly need to make National Treasure a more regular player in my old movie rotation.

I realized that the Dodgers last won the World Series in 1988, the last year ND won a national championship. I would love a national championship but as Andy can tell you, I hate the Dodgers more than anything in this world, including myself. So would you trade an ND championship for the team you also hate the most winning their respective championship that same year?

- Russell McFall

Pat Rick: Yes absolutely. Give the Yankees or Patriots a title. I don’t give a shit, especially since they both already have so many of them.

I’D SELL MY SOUL FOR THAT SWEET, SWEET COLLEGE FOOTBALL TITLE.

Joe Hoppman, Depressed Penn State Fan, Gets His Own Section Because He Asks A Lot of Questions

NCAA Football: Appalachian State at Penn State Matthew O’Haren-USA TODAY Sports

I’d like to close out this way-too-long Q&A with a smattering of questions submitted by Joe Hoppman, noted depressed Penn State Nittany Lions fan. He was curious about quite a few things. Let’s finish strong.

Why does Notre Dame stink out loud?

Pat Rick: Poor hygiene, mostly.

Why does Notre Dame have such an easy schedule?

Pat Rick: Because they are so much better than all their opponents!!! Oh man!!!! Got him!!!!!

Does Notre Dame deserve to be in a playoff if they have one loss? The answer is no.

Pat Rick: no. (didn’t leave me much room for my own response here, dictating the answer and all)

Will Notre Dame win their conference this year?

Pat Rick: Tough to say, the FBS Independents is always a gauntlet. The conference championship will be QUITE the humdinger.

Was Jeff Samardzjia an NFL bust?

Pat Rick: Safe to say, yes. Tied for LEAST receiving yards, receptions, and receiving touchdowns in NFL history.

Since Notre Dame doesn’t play in a conference, should they have to play at least one team from every big 5 conference to be considered for a playoff spot?

Pat Rick: I don’t think we should stop there. Notre Dame should have to play one team from every conference at every level of amateur football to be considered for a playoff spot. Gotta go something like 50,000-0 to impress me, including wins over the Pop Warner champions and my former work league flag football team.

Who could eat more ice cream: Charlie Weis or Mike Golic?

Pat Rick: Golic, assuming the ice cream is from Nutrisystem (real food for real guys)

(explicit), marry, kill: Lou Holtz, Charlie Weis, Brian Kelly

Pat Rick: Marry Lou (what a sweet old man), (explicit) BK (you can’t question his fire/passion), kill Chuck (and take his money)

Should James Franklin be fired (personal question)?

Pat Rick: Yes. Dude sucks (personal answer).

What song currently sums up Notre Dame’s season?

Pat Rick: “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations, because, well, that’s how I feel when watching this team — they always leave me asking why they build me up each year only to let me down, and mess me around.

Soon to be “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fallout Boy (song bangs, but unfortunately ND fans have become way too familiar with it in November).

***

Alright, I wanna give a major shout out to everyone who submitted questions on social media and to everyone with enough time to waste that they read all the way to the end of this article. I love you guys and thank you for reading me, despite me being trash.

Go Irish, Beat Bye!!!!!