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How To Cope With Any Notre Dame Football Loss In 2017

Despite high hopes across the fanbase, you might find this to be a handy reference.

Fan of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are a passionate bunch. With that passion, there are obviously some very high HIGHS, but that also means there are some very LOW lows. This makes for a group of fans that are in need of as much therapy and “happy pills” as any group in the country.

I have always been curious as to how fans deal with a loss- no matter the opponent. And I have studied these methods for years.

Just like with a bad breakup or losing a job or your dog dying; booze and tunes can help you with the pain. So, with that in mind, I offer you this chart of misery list of ways to help you heal.

There is a way to deal with every possible loss this season for the Irish. 12 games with 12 different booze and tunes combos. Just go to that dark room, crack that bottle open, and put the song on repeat until your wife or kid or neighbor find you passed out on the ground clinging to your Knute Rockne pillow pet.


Booze: Every bottle in your liquor cabinet that is a quarter full or less.

Losing the home opener means that you better get your ass to Capn' Cork and fill up on supplies for the season. You need the room - NOW. You deserve Nickelback... we all do.


Booze: Bottle of Southern Comfort

A loss to the Georgia Bulldogs wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but it's definitely not good, and shouldn't be just something someone does.


Booze: Bottle of Baileys Irish Cream

The Boston College Eagles have an insufficient offense. Insufficient... just like a single bottle of Baileys. Good luck, because this will be much rougher than you want to admit.


Booze: Case of Pabst

Better grab that case of warm PBR sitting by the garage. You know the one. The Spartans should be about as awful as last year when they went 3-9, and you lost to them that year as well. You deserve far worse.


Booze: Boone's Farm

#Maction just took your world and made you feel as lost as that one weekend during your freshman year in college. You know the one.


Booze: Moscow Mule

Moscow seems about as far away from North Carolina as anywhere else in the world. After this loss, perhaps a course in Russian will be needed.

USC Trojans

Booze: Trojan Blood

Losing to Southern Cal is never easy. So, you should ease on into this and keep drinking the Blood of Trojans (gin and Mountan Dew Code Red). Best do this in a garage or barn. Alone.


Booze: Dirty Beetz

Two losses to Dave Doeren makes you believe that perhaps Raleigh is the place to be. Might as well start preparing your body with this famous cocktail from that city's Fiction Kitchen.


Booze: Fireball

If Notre Dame loses to Wake Forest this year, you deserve to drown yourself in this awful version of alcohol.


Booze: Mojitos

Traveling back to Miami for the first time since January of 2013 already has you on edge and sweating. Losing to the Canes after winning the last three is rough - but you still deserve some regional bliss. (REMINDER: listening to Jimmy Buffet at any point is wrong, so putting one on repeat means you should be strapped to a chair for the safety of others and yourself).


Booze: Bud Light & Clamato (this actually exists in a can)

Losing to Navy two years in a row is an abomination deserving of the apocalypse. But, because we know not when the second coming will happen, this unholy concoction is an acceptable replacement of fire and brimstone.


Booze: All the wine your neighbor has (or whatever)

Notre Dame has took enough from you, so why kill your stash? Go steal all your neighbor's booze and think back to the GREAT AMERICAN ECLIPSE... you once had hope in life.