This Guy Plays Notre Dame Football: #6 Equanimeous St. Brown

Equanimeous St. Brown, #6, seems to be excelling in both of the parallel universes in which he has membership. There is the world in which he emerged as the #1 receiver in 2016 for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and the one in which he is vying (with his brothers) to live up to his name and become the most intellectually feared scholar athlete in the country.

Will Equanimeous keep his eyes on the football and join the Will Fuller/Golden Tate/ Michael Floyd/Jeff Samardzija Circle of Receiver Excellence? Or will he be distracted by higher things and go the Corey Robinson, Steve Elmer route (without the aid of head injuries)?

3 Things to Know:

1. He is Notre Dame’s #1 receiver and the only known quantity in the bunch. Last year he caught 58 passes for 961 yards. The next leading returning receiver was CJ Sanders, who caught 24 passes for 293 yards… so, Equanimeous is the only Notre Dame receiver who is more than Potential.
2. But, our #1 hope for him is that he convince his younger brother and 5 star recruit Amon Ra St Brown to put off his charioteering career for a second and come to Notre Dame. The competition is more likely the blue bloods of the Pac 10; we can only hope the lure of Notre Dame’s esoteric mission is enough to hold his interest.
3. Finally, (cue infomercial background music) Equanimeous’ legs are guaranteed to be 60% larger or more in 2017, or your money back!! Here’s to hoping Equanimeous’ new Balis Body is enough erase the St Brown family’s impression of his wimpy Longo Legs in 2016 (Dad thought he lost 60% of his lower body muscle mass in season last year.)

Youtube Hot Fire:

I Dub Thee:

GJ - Gentleman Justice. Lady Justice, of American judicial and Roman antiquity fame, holds the scales of justice with the scales neutral, unweighted, at equilibrium… and that is the metaphor underneath Equanimeous’ name. He’s cool under fire, and so far beyond cool for having a name that is a metaphor for calm, collected impartiality.

Word on the street is that Swarbrick signed off on the new judicial process for athletes caught with pot, guns... or other contraband. They appear before Equanimeous, seated seated on a throne of judgment, mic’ed up with reverb. The accused begs for leniency, only to be told by GJ that he is bound by Justice to mete out a proper punishment based on the Code of Hammurabi (His other brothers are named Osiris and Amon Ra, so don’t expect fluffy New Testament justice.) Notre Dame fans are kept in the dark as to the exact sentences, but they do notice players missing ears or digits from their hands, who seem very much reformed from their previous indiscretions.

Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

2017 Forecast, and Beyond:

The questions are, does he have an explosive junior season ala Tate and Fuller, or just a solid one? And is he the the #1 weapon in the passing game this year, or does that become Alize Mack? Comparing his career trajectory to those of Golden Tate and Will Fuller, he wasn’t quite as explosive in his sophomore campaign. I don’t think he’ll match the yards per catch numbers of his speedier predecessors, but I think 70 catches and top billing from opposing defenses is realistic. But will that instead become Alize Jones’ distinction? I think Alize will have more special games where he simply takes over, but will be less consistent, and at the end of the year GJ will have the most impressive stats of any ND pass catcher.

After the season, he will have a decision to make about coming back, but the lure of fame will be too much: He will be offered a justice-themed tv show that mixes Judge Judy, The Apprentice, and Hunger Games. He will be invited to explain his name on sports telecasts and morning shows 50x/year for the next 5 years, and after a stint in politics, Equanimeous will be entombed, along with ball girls and a couple walk ons, in a pyramid in the Valley of Fame just west of Notre Dame Stadium.