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The Definitive Ranking of Your Best Notre Dame Football Roasts

Pat Rick breaks down all the ND football roasts you left him back in March, because we need to remember how bad we are before the Blue-Gold Game

NCAA Football: Notre Dame at Southern California Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Back in March, I pled with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish faithful to lighten up, let loose, and embrace being a current laughingstock in college football. I invited everyone to comment on the article with their best ND football roasts, and it became immediately clear that Irish fans can, indeed, laugh at themselves, which was certainly a pleasant surprise.

Now, I want to very briefly break down for you all the best roasts, ranked by the amount of “recs” they received in the comments section. This is important for all Irish fans to read before Saturday’s spring game so that you won’t get too sucked-in to the pointless hype it brings for next season. So, please pay attention.

1. Notre Dame = Family Values

OFD Commenter “Sexual_Chocolate”

A OFD commenter by the name of “Sexual_Chocolate” (nice) got the ball rolling with the roast comments, submitting this beautiful combination of fake pride in Notre Dame’s values and devastating self-degradation.

I love that the subject of the comment sets it up to look like another unabashed Notre Dame apologist, only for the punchline to leave the reader reeling as it explains how ND football is an even bigger disappointment to the commenter’s family than the commenter themselves.

I think we can all agree with that sentiment, and take some personal pride in knowing we can’t disappoint our loved ones more than Brian Kelly’s program can. Congrats to Sexual_Chocolate on earning 8 “recs,” the most of anyone who commented.

T-2. Trust in the Notre Dame Process

OFD Commented “We’reBad”

There are multiple fantastic portions of this comment. Let’s quickly single those out:

  • Great use of the Sam Hinkie-inspired hashtag...76ers fans the world over shout their agreement, drowning out the sound of NBA Playoff games that their team won’t be in for years
NBA: San Antonio Spurs at Philadelphia 76ers Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports
  • I love the idea of Notre Dame stockpiling draft picks and cheap rookie contracts, as if Brian Kelly and Jack Swarbrick wouldn’t have traded all of those assets and building blocks for terrible veteran pieces in order to “win now,” i.e. make another Pinstripe Bowl
  • “ND isn’t having a down decade” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  • The commenter’s username is so gorgeously simple and perfectly encapsulates all Irish fans’ feelings

T-2. Tradition Never Graduates

OFD Commenter “Shackleford”

This one is great because it draws Fighting Irish fans into it with the first sentence espousing ND’s history and tradition.

Then, the second sentence acts as the proverbial Lucy from Peanuts and yanks the ball away from us as we run toward it, ready to kick. Notre Dame used to skip bowl games on purpose, not because they were so incredibly bad that they didn’t get invited to any. Those were the days, eh?

4. A Very Valid Point

OFD Commenter “Paaaaaaaat”

The more I read this one, the more I think it’s actually a not-so-thickly-veiled Declan Sullivan joke, of which I’m not a huge fan.

But, because I want to believe in the goodness of the world, I’m just going to treat the 4th-place comment as a very blunt statement of fact. Last season was hot, steaming garbage. But no one died from it, and that’s important to note.

Also, I love the subject of “Hi.” Not sure why, I just do.

I also want to clarify that “Paaaaaaaat” is not me. I do not know who this is, but they spell their first name with a few more A’s than I do. That’s something.

5. Spartan Smack Talk

OFD Commenter “Tom Goodsell”

This comment comes courtesy of a friend of mine, Tom. Or, potentially, someone who stole the identity of a friend of mine, Tom.

Either way, “Tom” does a great job setting up his roast by feigning ignorance as to the problem with Irish football. He explains that Notre Dame failed to beat 3-9 Michigan State last season, leaving them in the good company of football powerhouses like Rutgers and Furman.

NCAA Football: Rutgers at Maryland Patrick McDermott-USA TODAY Sports

He finishes by even reassuring us that bowl season is “a sham,” and I gotta say, I’m starting to agree. I mean, look at all the blue bloods who didn’t play in a bowl: ND, MSU, Rutgers, Furman...

6. Holy Shit

OFD Commenter “clearwall”

Long-time One Foot Down commenter “clearwall” comes in hot with this massive and lengthy roast, beginning with a line about sexual assault in the Catholic Church. Not ideal at all, but the rest of the roast gets much better from there.

The roaster tosses in a picture of Bob Golic on “Saved By the Bell” and makes fun of the entire Golic family, which is pretty savage. Then, the roaster shows a horrifying picture of Bob scarfing down some sort of dessert, I think, and follows that up with a long lead-in into a great joke bashing both the school’s propensity for athletic scandals recently and the football team’s sometimes lackluster offensive line.

After more knocks on players having run-ins with the law, clearwall calls Purple Face Kelly the new mascot, makes fun of Tommy Rees being back in the program, and then briefly gives the reader hope with a picture of Brandon Wimbush before getting all too real with what is again in store for the ND football program in 2017. It leaves the reader chuckling but also suffering PTSD, wracking his or her brain for reasons why he or she loves such an awful program.

7. ABunchOfOldWhiteGuysLaughing.jpeg

OFD Commenter “saxattack29”

The roaster: saxattack29

The roast: essentially saying Jack Swarbrick is an idiot

The meme: old guys laughing and sipping fancy alcohols

The result: 1 “rec” from me and 7th place overall

8. Yoder Dame

OFD Commenter “Joshua Vowles”

This is my site manager. He commented this and got one “rec,” from me, because I was basically handing them out like candy. I felt this was the 8th-best comment, even though it technically tied with #7.

Nevertheless, his 1 rec got him 8th place — which is pretty good — and the idea of the Leprechaun actually just being an Amish guy from Shipshewana certainly made me smile. That counts for something, you guys.

9. People Who Keep Bringing Wrestling Into My Articles Like I Know What They’re Talking About

Fans of Wrestling

This happened when I did my last Q&A too. People keep thinking it’s okay to make professional wrestling references to me, as if I’ll understand them.

Folks, I don’t understand anything, let alone something I’ve literally never watched.

You’re welcome to now comment on this article with all of the wrestling jokes you can muster, at my expense, and I will be none the wiser. Please feel free.

10. Cheerios? C’MON MAN

Couple More OFD Editors

My fellow editors Brad and Jude teamed up to bring us this one. Now, I’m a guy who loves groaners and terrible puns and ridiculous plays on words. But even I didn’t enjoy this one. Mostly because there are plenty of differences between ND and Cheerios. Saying any of those differences is THE difference is preposterous, especially when I would characterize the main difference as the following:

Cheerios are a cereal (food item), while Notre Dame is a university in northwestern Indiana.

I know it’s the offseason, but seriously, get it together, you guys.