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Notre Dame’s Equanimeous St. Brown Reaches Final Four

The Final Four of college football names is decided, but not without controversy...

NCAA Basketball: Final Four Championship Game-Villanova vs North Carolina Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve seen over a month of insane, intense, and incredible performances by the best names in college football. Now, as we sit a week away from the beginning of Notre Dame’s 2016 football season, we enter the Final Four of the College Football Name of the Year tournament. Let’s take a look at the four players whose names will advance to the big show.

Barkevious Mingo Region Champion: Lion King (DL, Eastern Michigan)

I don’t think there’s ever been a more sure-fire outcome than Lion King making the College Football Name of the Year Final Four. Joey Magnifico may have the name of a fantastic trapeze artist, but no matter what flashy acrobatic ability he brought to the tightrope wire, he didn’t stand a chance against the king of the jungle. I don’t think there’s anything more to be said here. Lion King is feeling the love right now.

Yourhighness Moore Region Champion: Brodarious Hamm (OG, Auburn)

Dicaprio Bootle was my personal favorite name in this tournament, and so this is certainly a disappointment to me. However, if someone were going to beat Mr. Bootle, I’m pretty happy with it being Brodarious Hamm.

The combination of the word ‘bro’ with the name ‘Darius’ along with an extra ‘o’ tossed in is just phenomenal, and then the last name of ‘Hamm’ is the perfect one-syllable last name that doubles as a fantastic entree (especially when soaked in rum).

Furthermore, upon quickly Googling Brodarious before writing this article, I happened upon this news story. Not only is his name incredible, but Brodarious is also pulling off this fantastic run through the tourney despite being diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma in the spring. I’d like everyone to keep him in your thoughts and prayers and let’s continue to watch in awe as this young man overcomes much greater challenges than dominating a guy named after the dude from Titanic (it’s no wonder he got 60% of the vote, this is a walk in the park for him).

Go get ‘em, Brodarious. You’re a feel-good story and we’re all rooting for you to succeed and overcome.

D’Brickashaw Ferguson Region: Equanimeous St. Brown (WR, Notre Dame)

Big shout out to Money Hunter and his spectacular Cinderella run to the Elite Eight! Not only was it fun to see how many voters were obsessed with the name Money Hunter for some reason, but it really enabled Equanimeous to get through to the Final Four relatively unscathed and fresh, ready to take on a mightier opponent. And I also just realized that Money Hunter is Torii Hunter Jr’s twin brother, and that is amazing and awesome and I now see that Money is just trying to help out his bro’s teammate. That’s some good stuff right there.

So, at a time when other players are getting arrested and whatnot, this is something all Irish fans can believe in and root for, and for that, we all thank you, Equanimeous. Give ‘em hell in the Final Four!

Immaculate Perfection Harris Region: Ironhead Gallon (LB, Georgia Southern)*

*Before you correct me based on the results in the graph below, please let me explain

As you can see above, “Sequoyah” Rakestraw came out on top in the Elite Eight against Ironhead Gallon, winning by the slimmest of margins (1 vote). You’ll also notice that I put Sequoyah in quotation marks in the previous sentence.

That’s because Sequoyah is not his name. And I don’t mean like Money Hunter, whose real first name is Monshadrik, but he goes by Money. No, I mean his name is Derrion and a good five minutes of Google searching revealed that he went to Sequoyah High School in Georgia. He doesn’t go by that name and never has. The site I used for these rosters is just completely incorrect. He is Derrion, and that’s it.

Here’s the reaction of any Sequoyah Rakestraw fans coming back to One Foot Down to check out how his tournament is going:

So I couldn’t, in good conscience, allow him to move forward. It’d be a dishonor to this sacred process and very unfair to Ironhead Gallon, who was one vote away from making the Final Four. So, I’m moving Ironhead on to compete in the Final Four. It’s the right thing to do. Just pretend it’s the presidential election, and Rakestraw won the popular vote but lost the electoral college. It completely sucks, but that’s how this works, especially when everyone voted for Rakestraw based on a completely inaccurate fact.

And yes, the guys eliminated by Rakestraw earlier in the tourney are the ones most affected by this, with their seasons ended early due to a lie. But I can’t go back and re-do those earlier rounds, so they will have to just hold their heads high and recognize that they probably wouldn’t beat Lion King in the championship anyway.

So, with that newest of scandals being dealt with, it’s time to open the voting for the Final Four.

Here is the Final Four voting form.

Here is an updated bracket.

And here is a quick update on my attitude as this tournament comes down to the wire.

Thank you for your continued support, and keep on voting for your favorite names!