The 2016 NCAA Football Name of the Year tournament’s proverbial first weekend has finally come to a close, and we’re now down to the 16 best names in the country, as voted on by you, the fans.
Also, before we jump into a recap of Round 2, here’s the voting form for the Sweet 16. This just got serious.
Now, let’s review the big themes from the past week of voting.
Lion is King, But James Is Not
Eastern Michigan DL Lion King again showed why he was the number one overall seed, easily dispatching Hawaii’s Manly Williams in the most lopsided match-up of the round - winning by a vote count of 70-3.
Essentially, Manly Williams was Scar, happily having his way in a kingdom he did not have the right to rule (considering his 9 seed), until Lion King shows up. Before he could say “Hakuna Matata,” Williams found himself cast asunder and being devoured by hilarious cartoon hyenas (I am calling you, the kind voters, hilarious cartoon hyenas - take that for what you will) while King was singing about not having any worries and proceeding to reclaim his throne.
Meanwhile, another king, Kingjames Taylor, had his throne usurped by a man named Quaide Weimerskirch. I don’t know much about Taylor’s reign as king of the Hawaii offensive line, but I can only imagine he was no Milord Juste (GREAT CALLBACK TO A PREVIOUSLY-ELIMINATED NAME!) and it was a no-brainer for Quaide to stage such a coup.
Doroland: A Place for Despair
Just a week ago, Memphis RB Doroland Dorceus was a media darling. He pulled off a major upset on a last-second vote against Boston College P Satchel Ziffer, and advanced to the second round as a 13 seed, with a very winnable match-up against 12th-seeded Bishop Louie from Tulsa on the horizon. Everyone was rooting for the guy.
Well, almost everyone. It has since been deleted and is thus irrecoverable, but Satchel Ziffer tweeted his disappointment on losing in the first round - in such a heartbreaking fashion no less - to me the other night. So, that’s two individuals I’ve already completely let down in this whole process (sorry again, Mac Loudermilk).
Unfortunately, Mr. Dorceus is going to be next. Doroland lost a hotly-contested match-up to Bishop Louie, losing by - you guessed it - exactly one vote, 37-36. The leader of his Tulsa diocese was just good enough to best Dorceus, ending his very popular Cinderella story and leaving Doroland despondent and defeated, definitely.
Manly and Handsom Are Out; Man, Though, Is In
Last round we saw Manly take down Gentle, implying that the masses are all about the masculine, macho, tough-guy types. However, the general populace killed that theory, quickly voting off Manly Williams and Handsom Tunielu of BYU by an average margin of 47 votes between the two of them. Tough blow for tough guys, but a great day for the king of the jungle and Dicaprio Bootle, whose name needs no further explanation in terms of why it succeeds.
There was one very manly man who moved on to the Sweet 16, though - WR Man Berg of the Illinois Fighting Illini. This guy, who has at this point has earned the obvious name change he made from ‘Boy’ to ‘Man’ when he turned 18, just dominated Charlotte’s Wolfgang Zacherl, which is impressive considering Berg is 6’2” and 190 lbs. (according to ESPN.com) while Zacherl is a stout 6’5” and 280 lbs.
What. A. MAN.
This was clearly the most delicious match-up of the tournament to-date, and probably will still hold that title come the end of it. Naquez Pringle of Kentucky went head-to-head with Auburn’s Brodarious Hamm, and all of America was really just clamoring for some Michael Bread and Johnny Cheese and Mac Loudermilk to complete the lunch plate.
Pringle’s crisp, crunchy run came to a halt in this round, though, as Hamm used his size, as well as his ability to go well with cheddar, to hog all the spotlight and bring home the bacon. Look for him to continue to try to gain a competitive advantage by hamming it up for all of the voters in the Sweet 16. If he earns 63% of the votes again in that round, it might end up being a real boar.
Canada Has Money Troubles
I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this one coming. I seeded Squally Canada of BYU as a 1 seed for a reason - I thought he was a shoo-in for the Elite 8. Now, he’s eliminated before the Sweet 16 because the people have jumped on the Money Hunter bandwagon.
And what’s not to like? The guy literally hunts money. He goes out in the wilderness, braving squally weather in the wilderness of Canada, and brings back money to share with his family and friends over dinner. He’ll even get the part of the money he doesn’t use (pennies) made into a neat trophy.
It’s a tough ending for Canada, though, having thrown everything it had in terms of wintry storms at Hunter only to lose by 7 votes. That’s just cold and ruthless by Hunter, but he’s not concerned. He gets to move on, and for everyone involved in the voting, it just makes cents.
Equanimeous Doesn’t Care How Old the Corn Is
Another round, another huge number of votes for the only Notre Dame player in this tournament. Does it make sense? Absolutely. Does he deserve the love? Definitely. Is it unfair since this is a Notre Dame site? I don’t care, shut up.
In the end, St. Brown just didn’t pay any mind to how old and wise Corn Elder might be. Corn Younger might have actually put up a better fight, being more spry and all, and thus it is easy to see how the past-his-prime Elder just failed to compete, losing in a landslide 57-16.
St. Brown has the wind of the Irish fans at his back and has knocked off the 3 seed who is named after the most sage vegetable out there. I think he’s playing about as well as anyone in this tournament right now, and with home court advantage coming his way, the Final Four might not be a pipe dream for this sophomore receiver anymore.
Ironhead Goes Off On Quest
The name Ironhead Gallon just sounds like the name of a legendary medieval knight, with a heavy, strong helmet who is known for felling his foes with fantastic force. And what to knights, in all those old tales, do when they have a prize they seek - say, the Holy Grail of College Football Name championships?
They go off on a Quest, and boy did Gallon do just that. He slaughtered Mr. Truxton with no regard for his dignity or honor, winning 63-10. Just imagine this, with Truxton playing the role of the Black Knight.
It might be just a flesh wound, but it’s enough to completely finish off the Quest and put Ironhead in excellent position to find his treasured title of College Football Name of the Year.
Went a Little Too Hard on de Beer, Unfortunately
Psalm Wooching has a name that sounds pretty darn religious.
Gerhard de Beer has a name that sounds like a frat guy wanted to come up with a fake foreign identity.
Between a pious name and a foreign fraternity brother’s alter ego, I’m picking the pious guy every time. Bishop Louie is a testament to that, and I am excited to see how far God wants Psalm Wooching to go in this tourney. Divine intervention is a pretty good thing to have on your side, although the holy quest of Ironhead Gallon does await Wooching in the Sweet 16.
Tree Beats Taco
A guy named after a tree, Sequoyah Rakestraw, beat a guy named after a taco, Taco Charlton.
This elimination is why Pringle vs. Hamm will definitely be the best food versus food match-up in the tournament (unless you count this as a food versus food match-up as well - and if that is the case, then that probably means you are a giraffe because you think trees are food, and thus I would love to meet you and pet you and probably keep you as a pet and alternative form of transportation if possible).
Quoth the Lil’Jordan: “Never More”
Once upon an August dreary, while fans pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of names galore—
While they voted, not close to napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some name gently rapping, rapping at their brains’ sense of hu-mor.
“ ’Tis some mediocre name,” they muttered, “tapping at our brains’ sense of hu-mor
Only this and nothing more.”
Open here they had the Immaculate Perfection Harris region, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Humphrey of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of a guy named Lil’Jordan, perched above their brains’ sense of hu-mor
Perched upon a bust of Charlie Strong just above their brains’ sense of hu-mor—
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
And Lil’Jordan, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Charlie just above their brains’ sense of hu-mor;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a Longhorn’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws the voting results on the floor;
And my name from out those results that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!
— Edgar Poe (Army, WR), offering a poetic and dark statement about his name upon being eliminated by Lil’Jordan Humphrey, 39-34
- Shout out to one of my personal favorites, Rowdy Frederick, who was eliminated. I respected his ability to have a fancy first name as his last name and to have a fun adjective as his first name. Hats off to Joey Magnifico on ending his run with some of his patented Magnifico magic
- Bye bye Chico McClatcher, the lowest seed to advance to Round 2! It was one hell of an upset last week you pulled off, so no shame needed after your loss to veteran funny-name-haver Damore’ea Stringfellow
- Dicaprio Bootle is quietly having one heckuva tournament. He’s still my dark horse pick to win this thing
- Rojesterman Farris defeated Jamshyer McUmber in the match-up that was most likely to actually be a Key and Peele sketch, so bravo!!
- No one is talking about Q’ Drennan. Is it because of his easy strength of schedule and lack of real competition so far? I tend to think Jet Toner was severely underrated, so that 40-33 win speaks volumes about Drennan’s potential for greatness, in my opinion
Thanks for voting and reading and please keep voting and reading as this tournament comes down to the wire!