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Notre Dame Football Nightmare Scenarios

What scenarios could send the Notre Dame football season into the pit of despair?

Sometimes when you take a walk and leave your phone in your pocket, your mind does a strange thing as you take one step after another.

You think.

You think and think and think and think- and it's amazing what you come up with. Perhaps it's a daydream of slaying an inbred skunkbear and freeing your children from its icy prison. Maybe you list all of the bills for the month and ridiculously pick up speed as you add the total only to find yourself falling down a manhole.

How about that mortgage now, Fred?

I did this the other morning. No, it wasn't the skunkbear / bill escapade, but I did do a lot of thinking. We were staying the night in a hotel in downtown Indianapolis and of course, Big Baby Prince Dylan is up at six in the morning and Empress Kiki is kicking my ass out of bed to take care of him. So, we take off for an epic walk all over downtown Indy. Just 2 bros in their pajamas.

All along this journey I skipped around from topic to topic until I realized that every other topic or so- I was envisioning disaster. Pure, unadulterated, Notre Dame football disaster.

I will now share the 3 most horrific visions from our peyote trip through Indy (INJURY FREE because even for the middle of July- that's too easy). Just one of these could damn a season to hell, and a combo would set the program back years...

We are completely wrong about the quarterback situation.

Regardless of your allegiance to either of the sons of Ohio, I think we can all agree that even if something happens to one, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are still in good hands with the other. Malik Zaire and DeShone Kizer have both proved themselves worthy.

So... What happens if they both start screwing up- like really badly? Like, OH MY GOD THAT'S PURPLE BRIAN KELLY'S MUSIC AND HE GREW A SECOND MORE ANGRY AND DEEPER PURPLE HEAD! What then?

For example, let's say DeShone Kizer wins the job, but starts turning the ball over left and right. Brian Kelly wastes no time and sends in Malik Zaire. Zaire, although poised and prepared, can't seem to knock the rust off and is wildly inaccurate. Basically... We got Tommy Rees and Andrew Hendrix. Would Kelly run the ball more? DON'T CHOKE ON THAT POPCORN!

Brian VanGorder Stays Brian VanGorder

This scenario has already scared the shit out of most Irish fans. Brian VanGorder, despite all precedent and foresight, is determined to run the most complicated defense in the history of college football. It's the type of defense that has the ability to turn guys like Ray Lewis, John Lynch, and Bruce Smith into wannabes while in their prime.

It could start out well for BVG, as it has before, but once he gets a taste of the glory laid before him- he pees all over the rest of the entrees and sets the dessert on fire (the dessert is a chocolate chip cookie cake which should NEVER be flambé).

At some point, the intricate blitz packages work about as well as a 3 man rush with only 7 guys on the field- AND IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

Brian Kelly resigns or is terminated midseason

Brian Kelly could go 0-6 to start the season and Notre Dame would still not pull the trigger to end his employment, nor would Brian Kelly allow himself to leave. So... The end of the Brian Kelly era would mean something totally insane and horrible would have happened.

I'll leave it to your own twisted imagination what that may be.

Despite any negative feelings you might have for Brian Kelly, and how he does his thing, you have to admit that Kelly took a program that had been kicked around and sent spiraling down an abyss of honest to goodness irrelevancy, and eased it back to a national power.

One simply does not coach a team to 12-0 in the regular season and be a total shitbomb.

So, let's say Brian Kelly gets hooked on smoking rhinoceros horn and goes out on the town robbing people and hitting everyone he sees with a sock full of Shamrock Series coins- he's gone (something like that).

What happens to the program? The job of head football coach at Notre Dame is a much better job than when Kelly first signed with the Irish, but given all that he has endured, who would take over- who would have the balls to do it, and the witches brew to do it as well as Kelly?


It's a scenario that has endless possibilities, but most of them look about as appetizing as George O'Leary covered in Miracle Whip.

Don't jump

These, of course, are extreme and unlikely scenarios, but most nightmares usually are. Notre Dame is in position to make a run at the playoffs this year, and that's great. However, I do encourage you to take these disaster trips even if it only serves as a tool to help you enjoy the season unfold.

Or something like that.