In case you didn’t know, this is the best week ever.
Notre Dame is probably, most likely, almost certainly not going to lose this week, and that is certainly something to celebrate.
So, to do so, I’ve asked, via the reliable social media communities of Facebook and Twitter, for questions that I should answer for this week’s Q&A article.
I got more than 50 questions submitted to me, so I’ll stop typing this intro and just jump right into it, with the hardest-hitting questions asked of me!
Location, Location, Location
Off to a hot start, huh?
Luckily I was warmed up heading into this, because this is a trap.
Every know-it-all in the world asks this question to try to get someone to answer “South Bend” so that they can fire back with the classic “ACTUALLY, Notre Dame is located in Notre Dame, Indiana, and has its own zip code.”
Both parties are wrong.
Notre Dame is in Paris. Next question, suckers.
There is only one acceptable answer to this question, and it’s to embed this video:
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?!?
Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines a “sandwich” as the following:
a. two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between
b. one slice of bread covered with food
Looking at that definition, a typical hot dog is definitely not a sandwich. Let’s discuss.
The first definition requires that a sandwich have two pieces of bread or a “split roll,” and thus a hot dog bun does not fit the bill. A hot dog bun is one continuous piece of bread.
The second definition requires that a sandwich, if using one unit of bread, be “covered with food.” This also does not qualify a hot dog as a sandwich, because the food is stuffed inside a folded version of a slice of bread, not covering it.
So, based on that analysis, a hot dog is not a sandwich...
...that is, until the hot dog bun rips in two! Then, it ceases to be a hot dog and turns into a homemade hot dog sandwich that you will still probably try to eat with the torn bun bread on the sides in an inefficient sandwich-devouring fashion like some sort of idiot.
This age-old mystery has been solved for good.
Okay, what’s next? Hopefully something a little more serious?
The Birds and the Bees
I have no idea.
That’s a Lot of Right Kinda Guys (RKGs)
@Psully226 how good would we be if we had a Brian Kelly playing every position on the field and also was all the coaches— Mick (@miguelhamaca) October 16, 2016
FINALLY WE GET TO THE HARD-HITTING SPORTS ANALYSIS THAT ALL MY READERS HAVE BEEN CRAVING!
This is a very interesting question, and I’ve come up with a pretty solid answer, methinks. First, however, let’s get a visual on Mick’s scenario before we simulate how it will play out:
Great, now that we’ve seen that group of jolly dudes, let’s break this down.
Brian Kelly, like most football coaches, used to play the sport himself. He played his college ball at Assumption College from 1979 to 1982 and was a four-year letter winner as a linebacker there. So, I think it’s safe to say that although the team might lack some speed and athleticism considering BK’s 54-year-old body ain’t exactly spry (especially with all the stress and and all the yelling-so-hard-the-blood-rushes-to-his-head), the linebacking corps will be fundamentally solid and have a decent grasp of the defensive scheme, considering the ones who drew it up are also Brian Kellys (Kellies? What is the plural of Kelly?).
Furthermore, Brian Kelly has been a head coach since 1991. That’s 26 years of experience leading college football programs (as BK himself might tell you every once in a while). So, if the above team photo can be used as a nice estimate of the number of Brian Kellies ND would have on the team (I counted 81 people in the photo and refuse to count again to double-check), then the Irish would have 2,106 years of head coaching experience. This bodes incredibly well for the team.
That is, unless you don’t think BK is a good coach. Then, his team’s certainty of having a yes-man attitude toward whatever Head Coach BK says, along with their complete lack of speed, size, and strength, would probably lead to an 0-12 season where Coach Kelly is optimistic about the future of his program with all the young Brian Kellies he has getting playing time and who will all soon buy in to his system and achieve great results but obviously you can’t expect them to be performing well even though it is Year 7 and any recruiting voids are now his fault and I better stop talking now.
This kid is in college and is handy enough with the process of breading and frying chicken to make chicken nuggets? Damn millennials!
Yes, go ahead, Alex.
Okay let’s talk about something serious, because Notre Dame football is a serious matter.
What’s in a Name?
@Psully226 in at least 200 words, how would Brian Kelly's life have been different if his name was instead, Kelly Brian?— John Opat (@jopat18) October 17, 2016
Here’s the way I see it:
Kelly Brian finishes his/her (not about to make any assumptions on this one) college career not as he/she expected, having been kicked off the football team in his/her sophomore year for going on a 72-hour cocaine bender and stealing the dean’s car as a “funny prank.”
Kelly then moves back in with his/her parents, who try and fail to inspire Kelly to go back to school or get a job or even put on a fresh visor every morning. Mr. and Mrs. Brian are desperate to get through to their son, and contact a young self-proclaimed “guru” named George Whitfield who claims his therapist skills can get young men/women to the next level in their lives.
Whitfield earns Kelly’s trust through a series of sessions full of tough love (making him/her run through waves while holding a football), creative tactics (making him/her throw a football over people holding brooms in the air), and a series of motivational talks, including one titled “Famous Kellies” that educated Kelly on other people with the same name as him/her who went on to achieve great things - Kelly Clarkson, Kelly Slater, Kelly Leak, R. Kelly - this really got through to Kelly Brian.
Kelly especially enjoyed these sessions with the football-related activities, and soon decided to get into coaching football. He/She started small, working his/her way up the ranks before taking a Division II team to multiple titles, turning around multiple lower Division I teams, and then earning a big-time job at a traditional power.
Kelly starts a little slow there, but is clearly building to something, and shows that in his/her third year when he/she “restores glory” to the school and takes the team to a championship game, albeit one the team fails miserably in. The next few seasons are mediocre at best and littered with small and large issues that pop up on and off the field, with Kelly finally seeing major failure in his/her 7th season, losing 5 of his/her first 7 games...
I’m going to stop there, but just want to make the point that time is a circle and there’s no such thing as free will and we will all eventually fail/lose/die. This is Notre Dame football, and this is Kelly Brian’s life.
Get used to it.
@Psully226 if Maxwell House is good to the last drop, what's so bad about the last drop? What are they hiding?— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
Oh I’m gonna have to ask you not to talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.*
*I don’t drink coffee**
**I used this terrible joke to avoid addressing an obvious conspiracy that goes much deeper than you could possibly imagine
It can if the conveyor belt isn’t turned on, and looking at the information in this word problem, I think it’s safe to say that it isn’t turned on.
The plane leaves on time and delivers its passengers safely to their desired destination.
Why Is Anything Anything?
@Psully226 who decided to name a direction left and another one right and why did they choose these sounds to describe direction?— Dan Babs (@dbabsiak) October 18, 2016
DISCLAIMER: I did not read more than half a sentence in the above linked web page. The Internet is fun!
Being a Notre Dame Fan is Fun Too
@Psully226 what is it like watching a team so inept, they give up a safety with little to no effort from the defense? Fun, right?— T.W.M. (@ohtmitch) October 16, 2016
It’s kind of like watching Eugene from Hey Arnold do anything, ever.
Poor Eugene. Poor us as ND fans.
Bad Things Stink
@Psully226 Why is there pain and suffering in the world?— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
Beats me, but it’s not very fun (unless it’s at the expense of USC or Michigan fans).
Just Keep Getting Deeper and Deeper
@Psully226 Why?(that is a question and I expect it to be included)— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
You’re welcome for including that.
Fake Pass Punt
This just might work.
RIP In Peace, Harambe
I’ve been asking myself this question every day since May 28th.
He was beautiful and majestic and it just makes me sad.
But then I remember all the good he did for this world and what he inspired, and I can smile knowing this hellhole is just a little bit better having had him living in it, if only for a brief time.
My friend Matt here is referring to a variation of the drinking game Stack Cup (Slap Cup, Boom, Boom Cup, Mordor, etc.) that my friends Michael, Andy, Alison, Josh, Krystal, Luke, and Stephen created, along with myself, during a very special August night in South Haven, Michigan.
I will link to the official rules of the game below (which actually need to be updated based on some tweaks we made to improve game play), but first want to point out that Matt spelled the name of the game wrong.
It’s “Bangerz and M*A*S*H” (M*A*S*H stands for Mammals Appreciating Slain Harambe). Matt really likes when I correct his grammar and spelling mistakes so I’m very happy to do this for him.
Here are the initial rules we put together for the game. It’s a lot of fun and I highly recommend playing it with a big group of people while listening to “Walking in Memphis” by Marc Cohn on repeat.
My Reading Comprehension is Suspect
It’s almost certainly not what you intended, but I read this question and immediately imagined a bunch of guys with no arms trying to take down a silverback gorilla.
That’s the question I’m going to go with, and I’m gonna say probably about 100 armless guys. Silverbacks weigh, on average, somewhere between 300 and 400 pounds, and their strength is immense.
Guys with no arms will have very little chance of taking down a gorilla of that size with kicks or head butts, so I’m assuming they would need to tactfully converge on the gorilla together and overwhelm him with their combined weight, pinning him down and hopefully, eventually, crushing him.
This Was Almost A Serious Question
Great question, John.
Clearly Donovan Jeter realized that Notre Dame is indeed located in Notre Dame, Indiana and not in Paris. He’s a romantic and was hoping to live in a lovely European city for four years.
He has since committed to play for Georgia.
Who Cares, It’s Delicious
Also, please bring back the Volcano Burrito, guys. It’s been too long.
I Would Not Be Great
@Psully226 if me and you were co coaching would we have a better record— Luke Zettler (@LukeZettler) October 16, 2016
We would be 5-2 with losses to Texas (I fell down running in the concourse at Darrell K. Royal to get to my seat, so I doubt I could have recovered from an embarrassment like that to coach the team to a win) and NC State (I would have insisted that our team wears umbrella hats in those conditions and we would thus be forced to forfeit when they wouldn’t let us do that).
You would be a great coach, though, Luke, and would fire me mid-season because I keep insisting on playing Monty VanGorder as our starting QB.
I Am An Indianapolis Youth Soccer Coaching Legend Though
Brian is referring to a youth soccer team I coached with our friend Alex back in 2007. We coached three other teams after that and all of them would beat Notre Dame football in any sport at any time.
I plan on making my triumphant return to coaching youth soccer sometime in the next 1-20 years. BREAKING NEWS. You heard it here first.
Make Backyard Baseball A Game Again
Phil here is referring to an opinion piece that my friend Pat (no relation) and I authored during our senior year of college about the ultimate roster to draft in the original Backyard Baseball computer game.
Here was the squad we chose, in the order we would draft them in:
CF: Pablo Sanchez
LF: Pete Wheeler
P: Kenny Kawaguchi
3B: Achmed Khan
SS: Stephanie Morgan
1B: Keisha Phillips
RF: Amir Khan
C: Mikey Thomas
2B: Dante Robinson
Phil thinks we should have picked Jocinda “MVP” Smith.
We argued that she would be a clubhouse cancer because of her self-given nickname that screams ego and entitlement.
I refuse to discuss this further. My team is on the field.
@Psully226 should we hire Lou Holtz even though he'll break Rock's record— poz (@push_to_poz) October 16, 2016
Yes. He might be starting to lose it, but anything is better than this and Lou would at least win a few more games and be super funny to listen to in speeches and press conferences. And he’s definitely a coach I can accept breaking Rock’s record.
Tune In Next Week for Pete Sampson’s Podcast
Conor is referring to a question I’ve been asking Pete Sampson of Irish Illustrated every single week on Twitter:
If you’re planning an Ocean’s Eleven heist of the century, which Notre Dame players are in your heist crew and why?
Pete has promised to answer it in next week’s podcast, so everyone get excited for that.
Allow my intern, Mick Hammock, to do some research and he will get back to you.
I’m too busy for this and also was going to respond to your question with a joke about the Tazmanian Devil before I realized you wrote Tanzania, not Tazmania.
Mick with the perfect response, 10/10.
Basketball on Grass
@Psully226 how good is Brey's football knowledge? Career transition?— poz (@push_to_poz) October 16, 2016
I do not care. After the last two basketball seasons and the continued absence of any sort of support from the administration for his program or for Muffet McGraw’s dynasty, I think he should absolutely be named the head football coach and we would immediately be better, if only on offense.
Twitter > Facebook
@Psully226 why do more people befriend you on FB, instead of following you on Twitter, where you clearly have better material?— poz (@push_to_poz) October 18, 2016
Is this referring to me specifically or is it a more general question?
Either way, I have no idea. Twitter is amazing and hilarious and Facebook is full of political statuses and college/grad students posting about their grades for some pathetic reason. I’ll never understand it and will be very sad when Twitter eventually dies.
Be Better At Blaming
Fantastic question. If Terry Jillery hadn’t been declared dead by Jerry Tillery last offseason, he could even have just blamed his alter ego. But, alas, he failed to move the blame onto anyone else, and thus it’s clear he hasn’t been paying any mind to his coach at all. Way to grab his attention, Brian.
And although in most situations where a player ignores his coaches’ lessons you would have penalized the kid in some way, in this case I think we make Jerry Tillery our next head coach and watch in awe as the team, although no better on the field, accomplishes a lot more off of it.
Let’s Go to the Movies
Whichever ones you can claim first.
Best case scenario: you obtain four (one for each arm and one for each foot in the row in front of you).
Bester case scenario: you obtain more than four because you have extra limbs and are thus a mutant super-human.
Holy Shit, A Real Question
@Psully226 So actual ND question, if you want to get rid of BK(I'm not quite there yet), who is even a good option? Roster is set up to(1/2)— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
@Psully226 be very good next year, so someone has to be able to develop offense right away. My vote would be David Cutcliffe.— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
David Cutcliffe would be good for the offense, but not ideal for ND overall considering he has never really been successful anywhere big (Ole Miss, Tennessee were both failures) and has had modest success at Duke, which can be seen as both impressive but also small-timey with how the ACC has been until the past couple years.
For this coaching search, the obvious first move should be reaching out to the longest of shots just to see if they’ll even listen. We’re talking Saban, Meyer, Harbaugh, Swinney.
Assuming they all laugh in Jack Swarbrick’s face, here’s my short list of coaches that are still extremely tough pulls but technically attainable: Bob Stoops, Chris Petersen, Tom Herman, David Shaw, Mark Dantonio (this season concerns me, though), Mark Richt (having just landed in Miami makes him especially tough), Gary Patterson, Bobby Petrino (he’s too slimy to actually be an option, but he’s a damn good coach), Kyle Whittingham.
Then, there are coaches that I think are interesting moves but I’m not convinced they’re ND-caliber yet: Justin Fuente, Cutcliffe, Mike Riley, Bret Bielema, Paul Chryst, PJ Fleck, Butch Jones, etc. If it comes down to going after these guys, I think we’re in for 3-7 more years of Brian Kelly-esque inconsistent performances.
I don’t have a great answer for you on this, but I also am not being paid a ton of money to direct the athletics of a major university. Swarbrick needs to get after it and not settle for low-hanging fruit again.
He can’t miss with the current talent, or the program could dive deeper.
Pat’s Perfect Playlist
Starting Song: Personally, I think the answer to this, year-round, is “The Monster Mash.” But I guess otherwise I might suggest something sorta lively and potentially from the early 2000s or late ‘90s to break the ice, like maybe Nelly’s “Country Grammar” or Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5”
Pregame Song: It’s gotta be something everyone knows the words to, and to which they will scream said lyrics at the top of their lungs while playing a drinking game. Songs like “A Thousand Miles” and “White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton, “Chandelier” by Sia, “Mesmerize” by Ja Rule and Ashanti, “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)” by Nine Days, and anything by TLC would fit here.
On the Way to the Bar Song: My roommate and I always play “Leave (Get Out)” by JoJo to get people to desert our apartment for the bar. This is the best choice here. Although, if you want a song you will sing on the way to the bar, I guess something like “Trumpets” by Jason Derulo or “Walking in Memphis” by Marc Cohn could do the trick.
Rager Song: The answer will always and forever be “Timber” by Pitbull featuring Kesha. It is the banger to end all bangerz. End of story. Runners-up include The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside,” The Chainsmokers’ “Closer,” Keke Palmer’s “Bottoms Up,” and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”
@Psully226 after we fire BK, should we restore all the traditions that he tarnished and destroyed?— poz (@push_to_poz) October 16, 2016
Either Way, The Kid is Scarred For Life
@Psully226 Is the song "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" about dad wearing a santa costume or mom having an affair with Saint Nick?— Harry Joe (@Joseph_Socks) October 16, 2016
Potentially both, if Saint Nick is the kid’s real dad.
Parents Just Don’t Understand
Parents are idiots.
Charlie’s step dad in The Santa Clause wore some of the worst sweaters of all-time - there’s no reasoning with these people.
Tyler Newsome, Jerry Tillery, Jesse Bongiovi, and Monty VanGorder (he wears his sarcastically to rip on his teammates).
Cars and Stuff
@Psully226 what's your favorite Fast and Furious movie?— Barrett Kroll (@barrettkroll) October 18, 2016
This is an embarrassing moment for me, but I’ve gotta admit: I’ve maybe seen 3 of the 7 movies.
I saw Fast 7 in theaters, though, and think any movie where cars parachute from a plane, cars jump from building to building, and The Rock takes down bad guys with conveniently-timed ambulance jump-crashes is a movie worth watching.
Also, you can’t beat that ending - so emotional!
@Psully226 How do you think each guy on the ND offense orders their eggs?— Pat C (@iamthetweeter) October 18, 2016
Follow up: Can you defend Tarean's inevitable pick of "basted"?
DeShone Kizer: Scrambled (GET IT?!? LOL)
Josh Adams: Poached
Equanimeous St. Brown: Quiche
CJ Sanders: Sunny Side Up
Torii Hunter Jr.: Over Easy
Mike McGlinchey: Omelet
Quenton Nelson: Hard Boiled
Sam Mustipher: Eggnog
Colin McGovern: Soft Boiled
Alex Bars: Deviled
Durham Smythe: Frittata
Tarean Folston: Basted —> I cannot, nor will I try to, defend this. With all those options, I don’t understand what Tarean is thinking here.
How does anyone know anything? I try not to think about sentient Thermoses and what they know, as they are my number 5 fear in this world behind stingrays, sharks, clowns, and spiders.
We’re Getting Compared to Purdue Now. Woof.
@Psully226 do you believe if ND called a timeout in order to set up a QB Kneel to end the 1st half they could execute it better than Purdue?— Tyler Butler Sr. (@tylerbutler95) October 17, 2016
I alone could execute it better than Purdue.
Gerry Bertier Was Kind Of A Jerk
My friend Briana is referring to the scene in Remember the Titans (my favorite movie) when Julius visits Gerry in his hospital room right after the car accident that leaves him paralyzed from the waist down (SPOILER ALERT).
I think Alice is indeed blind, and honestly it was pretty insensitive of Gerry to call her out on it. She’s sensitive about it.
Gerry later throws something at the door when Alice tries to come into his room while he watches sports, so clearly he’s just psychologically tearing her down the entire time he’s there.
@Psully226 1/2 As the unelected president of the Corey Holmes Fan Club, I'm distressed by Corey's diminishing playing time. He played just— Jude S. (@andrewwinn) October 18, 2016
@Psully226 2/2 2 snaps versus Stanford. If he's the fastest receiver on the team, why doesn't Coach Kelly let him go deep at least once?— Jude S. (@andrewwinn) October 18, 2016
First, let’s get you officially elected, man. Everyone, please vote in this Google Form to make Jude S. the elected president of the Corey Holmes Fan Club.
With that being handled, I think the answer is that Brian Kelly is an idiot.
Thanks for the question!!!
Question of the Century
No idea. Doesn’t make any sense. Can’t believe it. What a shame. Hmph.
Surprisingly yes, although national security could be a big issue considering his defensive track record. He might want to pick someone other than VanGorder as his running mate...
Pick Your Poison
Hard pass on all three.
Always, Always We Remember the Trump Campaign
ANOTHER REMEMBER THE TITANS REFERENCE LET’S GOOOOOO
If Trump were to publicly support Brian Kelly, I think that could finally tank his campaign with how ND fans would respond.
Democrats, you know what you need to do.
The TurboTax software I use never told me to do so. I only do what they say.
You Calling Me A Lemming?
If by “media” you mean TurboTax, then yes, I think I just made that very clear.
Two Broke Girls is a Travesty
My friend Andy would vehemently disagree with us, but I agree that this is honestly the most troubling sign of the deterioration of our noble country’s moral fabric.
I fear that no one will address it and these presidential candidates don’t even care about it. This is truly the end of days.
What a Great Locker Room Guy
Tyler Stockton, because he was never in his single dorm room freshman year and that allowed us to use it for drinking and Nintendo 64.
Dan With the Dumb Question
Clearly Dan hasn’t seen the back-to-back Elite Eight seasons from ND basketball. ND football is the objectively correct answer to this one.
Gotta Build Up That Immune System
Of course not. Shout out to all the Milk Boys and Football Guys Guys out there.
I AM SO PROUD - LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME!
Step 1: Go to the point of the video you want it to start at.
Step 2: Scroll down and click the “Share” button
Step 3: Check the checkbox next to “Start at:” and then make sure the minutes and seconds match where you want the video to start. Click outside the text box so the share link will update to account for the time you want to start the video at
Step 4: Share the link and wow your friends by showing them the most inspirational post-game speech of all time
Brian Bone. Ken Kelly. Briken Bonelly. Kenian Kone.
Uhhhhhhh what do you think?
Of course it would improve his coaching. His focus on energy and nice sweaters would certainly improve team morale and lead to better play across the board.
Welp, that’s officially all of the questions I received from people.
This was pretty fun and I think we accomplished a great deal and I answered all questions thoroughly and completely.
See you next time!