SCENE: In a dusky backroom, location unknown, 12 shadowy figures and one Skype monitor sit around a conference table, the air thick with tension and the smell of Subway. Some of them peruse their handwritten notes, some tap away at their iPads, and one pounds furiously at a Mattel Classic Football 2 game, the beeps issuing forth in a nerve-fraying staccato. They all seem unsure how to open the conversation that must take place. The chairman clears his throat, almost cautiously.
Jeff Long: "I hereby call to order the first meeting of the College Football Playoff Selection Committee, to be conducted according to Robert's Rules of Order and with a consistent air of civility and collegiality between..."
Barry Alvarez: "Yeah, whatever Long, let's move this thing along, alright? I might be able to squeeze nine holes in still, assuming the hot air stays at a minimum."
Long: "Uh... The chair recognizes Mr. Alvarez."
Alvarez: "Cute. Anyway, Florida State, Alabama, Oregon, Oklahoma, Ohio State, and whatever the hell else you guys want to fill in. I'm done."
Long: [bites his bottom lip, more nervously than seductively] "Thank you Mr. Alvarez, the committee appreciates your insight and directness. Does anyone else wish to be recognized?"
Pat Haden: "Isn't technology great? I didn't think I'd be able to be here, being so busy with the Josh Shaw fallout - I mean laid up in the hospital, and here I am over this Scoop thing looking right at all of you. I can almost smell Archie's sub. Can you believe those things are just five bucks? And with avocado too? Goll-ee, I love this country."
Long: "Mr. Haden, please give the committee your opinion... ah, who am I kidding, just say your piece, Pat."
Haden: "Well, I'll tell you, evaluation is a complicated question. Take Washington - I expected more from them, and they squeaked by. And Notre Dame covered in an opener - how often does that happen? Tyrone, you worked at both schools, what do you think?"
Tyrone Willingham: [looks up, almost glassy-eyed, as the Mattel beeps stop] "I am... Groot." [The beeps begin again.]
Archie Manning: "What the heck did you say, son? What's your top six teams and why?" [Wipes the corner of his mouth with a Subway napkin, then adjusts his Mastercard ball cap, then sips from his Dunkin Donuts traveler.]
Willingham: [Sighs deeply as the beeps stop once more, and begins a guttural stream of consciousness rant.] "I am Groot. I AM Groot, iamgroot iamgroot, I... am Groot, I... am Groot, I am GROOT!!!"
Oliver Luck: "Archie, I've understood sloppy-drunk Germans better than this guy. Jeff, who let him in?"
Long: "I think he's a little gift from Bill Hancock for thinking we could find a better way to do this."
Luck: "What a great guy... Listen, I'm with Alvarez right now. Let's slap something on the wall and get out of here before those beeps drive me nuts. I have to get to Indianapolis before the season starts and talk Andrew out of that neckbeard."
Without further ado, then, the first ever OFD College Football Parody Selection Committee Top 25:
1. Florida State - Why not? Plus, props for beginning with a real opponent, and away from home.
2. Oklahoma - Bob might be building something again.
3. Alabama - No, Nick, you don't get to pretend the Fiesta Bowl didn't happen. Maybe with the AP, but not here.
4. Oregon - Probably on their way to another 10-win season with a crushing defeat to Stanford/USC/Oregon State at the end.
5. Michigan State - Have Dantonio and Narduzzi built a defensive machine?
6. Auburn - Good win against Arkansas, but hard to envision them repeating last year.
7. Ohio State - Better hope the real selection committee doesn't look too closely at their schedule.
8. Baylor - Video game stats are hard to ignore, but somehow hard to fully believe too.
9. Stanford - Until they show otherwise, they belong here. Begrudgingly.
10. Georgia - Licking their chops right now for a Week 2 shot at TOBC.
11. Texas A&M - Are they that good, or is South Carolina that soft? And Johnny who?
12. LSU - Solid win against a real opponent in Week 1.
13. Wisconsin - Four-point loss on the road against a higher-ranked team - they don't deserve to drop.
14. UCLA - Shouldn't a team have to actually do something to get into the top 10?
15. USC - Temporarily holding the spot until they're down to water boys in a few weeks.
16. Clemson - Dabo gonna Dabo.
17. Notre Dame - Impressive showing against Rice, but next week's Michigan game is the first real test.
18. South Carolina - Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahaha. Ha.
19. Ole Miss - Seems like somebody in Oxford gets a really weak ROI and is OK with that.
20. Arizona State - The offense is certainly clicking early, although big questions remain about the defense.
21. Kansas State - Bill Snyder is a robot.
22. Nebraska - Not too excited about beating up on a mediocre FAU team, but hey, it's a win.
23. North Carolina - They let Liberty hang around well into the third quarter. Liberty.
24. Missouri - At least San Diego State is better than FAU and Liberty. Well, Liberty, anyway.
25. West Virginia - Hung pretty tough against Alabama on the road, so they get the pity ranking.