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The Week In News: HOT DOG, A College Football Playoff!!!

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A playoff?  Bravo, sirs.  But by jove, what has that got to do with Notre Dame?
A playoff? Bravo, sirs. But by jove, what has that got to do with Notre Dame?


Well it's happened folks. The dawn of a new epoch in college football. Notre Dame Athletic Director Swarbrick and the commissioners from every major BCS conference announced this week that they have come to a consensus on a College-Football playoff system. A. Playoff. System. In which teams that play college football will play games "off." Football games. Played by college students and SEC semi-professional indentured servants "college students." These games--football games, mind you--will be played in "bracket" style. Astrophysicists are still working out how to retrofit the Final Four Basketball Bracket to Football. Its the quantum physics that are holding them up, I think.

The BCS Oversight Committee, which consists of 12 university presidents, must still approve the plan. Swarbrick delivered a joint statement about the agreement on behalf of the 11 conference commissioners and Notre Dame, and in doing so conveyed his enthusiasm about the new deal in typical, Swarbrick, muted fashion:

"We are excited to be on the threshold of creating a new postseason structure for college football that builds on the great popularity of the sport. We are getting very close and we look forward to next week's meeting. We have already had extensive discussions with our presidents and it remains important to note that all final decisions will be made by the presidents, either at next week's meeting or at whatever date is appropriate.

So, we'll approve it next week or whenever the hell we feel like it? That's so Swarbrick. He just doesn't give one.

Despite Swarbrick's difficulty in containing his excitement, Notre Dame fans are struggling to imagine how a playoff involving the four best teams in the country could ever have anything to do with the Irish. Jack must just be happy for the other presidents in the way that the loser always says that he's happy for the winner. Honestly, though, what do we have to be so bitter and petulant about? I talked to an Auburn fan the other day. Auburn. He reminded me that before Cam "Strawberry" Newton, Auburn hadn't won it all since like 1950. (Let's just pretend that I looked that up and got the right year. Cuz I could have. Very easily.) Auburn, folks. They had Bo "Freaking" Jackson on their football team. In college. And before Cam "Fig" Newton, they hadn't won the championship since like 1910. And we've won it like 8 times in the past 50 years. Chill out, people. We'll get back there. If the SEC quits oversigning. Big "if," right?

Anyway, playoffs. So who are the winners? The fans, who get a real, actual, physical playoff, to paraphrase AI. The losers? The universities, which will not hold the games on their campuses, and which will continue to be looted and plundered, not by the Dread Pirate Leach, but by the very bowl games that profess to be so inextricable from the fabric of the College Football tapestry. Well, maybe by the Dread Pirate Leach too.

And, ARRRR--what be the reason for bringing up the Dread Pirate? He apparently gave Matteo some marriage advice recently. It involved a "sword." That's "SWORD," not "S-WORD."

In conference-realignment news, Jack Swarbrick denied that Notre Dame will be moving to the Big XII in all sports but football, but he didn't exactly profess his undying love for the Big East either. He's a coy mistress that Swarbrick.

This just in--Division I College Football programs spend money on recruiting. Usually a LOT of money. Like a lot LOT LOT. Notre Dame is a private institution and will not tell you how much it spends because that would be tacky and all you care about is winning. That is also a closely-guarded Vatican secret that is protected fiercely by self-flagellating Opus Dei assassins, and will be the subject of Dan Brown's next novel.

Elsewhere in college football, the sad saga that is the Sandusky trial continues. The prosecution and defense have made their closing arguments, and jury deliberations have begun. But just when the nation hoped that the end was in sight, the whole tragic affair became even more tragic with the revelation that Sandusky abused his adopted son.

Elsewhere in sport, best-looking man in the world Cristiano Ronaldo either said "Messi" or "para ti."



"Messi" would be a lot more fun to believe. "Para ti" would be what he actually clearly said. So controversy (pronounced con-TRAHV-uhr-see when discussing matters soccer and/or European) has ensued. And those Ruskies got what for. Good. The Euro Cup is fun.

Meanwhile Base-ball is a thing that happens during summer, personnel doings are transpiring in football, and the dog days (of summer) are not over, Florence Plus The Machine.

Oh, and finally, sadly, the Heat are crushing the Thunder as of press time, en route to capturing LeBron's first NBA championship. He is good. You might as well get over your blood hatred now and start cheering for him because he will rival MJ and Kobe. So just like him already. Honestly it is just so exhausting to hate someone, especially someone who will so consistently take your hind parts to school, so just like him.