clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Five Wide Fullbacks: What Passes As the Rough Beast That is Sport Slouches Toward the Week-end?

New, comments
An all SEC-West College Football Playoff?  You can't be serious.
An all SEC-West College Football Playoff? You can't be serious.

This week the Mouth travels the world in search of various and sundry interesting matters sporting.

We begin with our beloved College Football. A playoff is in the works, and we are not rejoicing... why?

Well the SEC wants the playoff to consist of the top four teams in the country. The rest of the country makes the logical counterargument that SEC-West Division play already exists. Everyone but the SEC wants something else, which since it might involve teams not in the SEC West, would be akin to a little league tourney in which no one keeps score and everyone gets a trophy. Why doesn't the rest of the country just agree that the playoff should consist of the top four teams--under the condition that 10% of all playoff revenues will be used by the NCAA to fund an army of about 3,000 former FBI-, CIA-, and NSA-agents-turned-NCAA-violations investigators, as nothing short would clean up the SEC, put an end to greyshirting, oversigning, and medical redshirting, or otherwise plunge the filthy, clogged toilet that is the SEC, or give anyone outside of the SEC a snowball's chance in hell of competing with the SEC for a national title. Does anyone think that the SEC has won the national championship for a decade straight by accident?

Mack Brown will unleash the fury of absolutely no punishment whatsoever on three Longhorns arrested for failure to obey a lawful order and convicted of nothing more than loving a delicious thin crust pepperoni pie.

Alex Okafor, Kenny Vaccaro and Barrett Matthews were arrested in May while waiting in line for pizza. Mack Brown is not going to suspend the lads because boys will be boys, and how can you punish someone for loving pizza. Honestly, Texas should not advance in the Fulmer Cup on the strength of these trumped-up charges. If loving pizza is a crime, then you can go ahead and lock me up, along with Mack, those three 'Horns, all of the Ninja Turtles, everyone from Oregon, and Brad Pitt from True Romance.

Don't con-den-sin to me, man.

The Mouth's beloved Saints appeal their bounty suspensions on Monday. So, what, bounty hunting is wrong? This week the Mouth interviewed some highly-respected people in the field.

The Mouth hit the phones for comments on the Saints bounty fiasco this week--several months behind the story, but still. Reno Raines had this to say about the Saints:

The fines are totally unreasonable and unprecedented in the history of the NFL. Also, has anybody seen those dirty cops that tried to kill me and got the woman I loved instead? Don't worry about it. And honestly, to tell you the truth, those cops are actually chasing ME. I'm kind of scared to take em on. One of em has a goatee. Don't tell em where I am, okay? Cheyenne's looking pretty nice right about now anyway. Don't tell Bobby I said that.

Boba Fett couldn't be reached for comment, for obvious reasons, and the Man With No Name died shortly after the Civil War. Domino Harvey is nowhere near as attractive as Keira Knightly--I mean honestly, did anyone see the end of the movie? What a letdown--but wasn't tried to be reached for comment anyhow. Anton Chigurh, who definitely did not come from up Dallas way, had this to say,

Gregg Williams was a fool. Even worse the Saints defense was far from efficient. Terminable offenses, both. The bounty system was foolish. You pick the one right tool--a fundamentally-sound, gap-disciplined 4-3 defense. What's the most the Saints have ever lost on a coin toss? Not the Super Bowl, certainly, but appealing the suspensions? The Saints should admit their situation. There would be more dignity in it.

A great week for football? In June?

Well it's not real, actual football, no, but I've enjoyed all of the doings transpiring vis-a-vis the European 2012 Soccer Championship. So the Ruskies held up the biggest banner I have ever seen. And it said "This Is Russia." In English. And they held that up in Poland. A country they've invaded and brutalized. Those wacky Russians. Hilarity and general wackiness ensued as those nutty Russian soccer hooligans rioted again. And threw flares onto the field. And fought with stadium ushers. Eyewitnesses say that it was an extended clash in which the Russians suffered heavy attrition. Team Russia officials claim that the ushers were backed by the U.S., as they sported American-made Maglite flashlights.

The Boston Globe's Euro 2012 photo gallery really is a must see. I particularly enjoyed the Polish guys kicking the crap out of the Russian. Take that commie. That'll teach you bullies to use Poland for your moving airport walkway. And stay out of South Ossetia while you're at it. And there's one for Afghanistan, too.

Note to Russia: You are not some producer who can't dance and shouldn't rap, and Eastern Europe is not the moving walkway at O'Hare.

Which officials would you rather face off against under the following scenarios? The Inquisitors that burned Joan of Arc, and you're charged with heresy? The Kim Jongs--Il and Un--and you're a North Korean national charged with not saying that food and water are things that exist in the Democratic People's Republic? NBA Finals 2012 Officials and you're the Oklahoma City Thunder? Big Ten/Big East officials and you're Notre Dame playing Michigan? Or the Pacquiao-Bradley Rematch judges and you're Manny?

I'm going to go with the safe choice--the Inquisitors. You may not agree with their ideology or underhanded political motivations and machinations. They may be rigid and draconian, and their sham trial may have explicitly violated ecclesiastical law. But you know where they stand. They are straight shooters, and I can respect that. Who knows what the Kims would do? They're so accustomed to people kissing their hindparts, that I don't think that would work. The NBA refs and you're against Lebron? Not even if I get to be K-Smoov. Big Ten officials versus Michigan? Non-starter. Even Big East officials versus Michigan is a deal-breaker. And Pacquiao-Bradley judges will just do whatever Bob Arum tells them to do, and how am I to know what goes on inside of his melon? No, I'll take the Inquisitors every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Also, it's no heresy for me to wear men's clothing, since I'm a man, so I think I could get off on a technicality.