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Five Wide Fullbacks: Will 'Bama Internet Commenter Persuade Notre Dame to Join Conference?

Anxious about the state of the Notre Dame quarterback position? Worried about Notre Dame's lot in the New BCS World Order? Worried that an internet hubbub created by a 'Bama fan will force Notre Dame to join a conference? Never fear. The Mouth answers the questions on your mind this week.

Tommy Rees was the first quarterback to take reps with the first team in the first Spring practice. Describe your panic level. Are you: reading up on your Tao de Ching; "already schvitzing about the whole thing"; or getting your gun and heading out for the coast?

Put me down for "already schvitzing about the whole thing." I'm going to wait until after things really go south to head for the coast. If Rees actually starts, there will be complete mayhem in the streets. Notre Dame fans, I foresee, will begin feasting on human flesh. Whether it will be because of some militarily-engineered virus/experiment, or because they think it signifies the end of the world and global food stores won't last long ala The Road, you do not want to be travelling when it goes down. I'm going to hole up in the house as long as possible, then head out for the Coast.

Coach Kelly said this week that the Irish can play championship football with the five cornerbacks on the Irish roster. What did he mean by that?

We can play championship football with the five cornerbacks on the Irish roster if the front seven gives opposing quarterback an average of 1.3 seconds before its lights out. This front seven has a LOT of talent, and its time that our steak starts to sizzle a little bit. They have played very well for the vast majority of the last two years, but they have not been elite, nor have they taken it to opposing offenses. I realize that this staff wanted their defense to be fundamentally sound before they began blitzing, and that this is more of a bend-but-don't-break offense. But if there was ever a time to start attacking, it's when you have a freakishly-athletic front seven and a dangerously-thin and inexperienced secondary. Or is it? I say it's time for Brian Kelly's front-seven recruiting to start paying dividends in the form of sacks, hurries, and tackles for loss. But will Bobby D release the Kraken and his minions?

Cam McDaniel has moved to cornerback. Thoughts?

I salute Cam on his one-man quest to increase diversity at the cornerback and running back positions. His presence at either position boosts NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision--what?--diversity at those positions by 86%, though bear in mind that this statistic is completely fictitious. Like Matt Hayes's journalism degree. Whaaaaa....

What new segment would you like to see One Foot Down's Titans of Journalism institute?

Having just served Matt Hayes, I'm going to go with the guy who inspired said service upon Mr. Hayes: CW. I've made no secret that my favorite line from CW's masterpiece began: "I can always tell I hate a person when...." So I'd enjoy a recurring segment entitled "How Can CW Tell He Hates A Person?" It would always begin "I can always tell I hate a person when..." and end "That's how I can tell I hate a person." I know it's Lent, and we should be trying to be pious and penitent, and we shouldn't be talking about hating people, but I can't pass this one up. With the state of "sports journalism"--throws up in mouth--in this country, it's just understandable. Just like even the Pope hates USC, I'm guessing he doesn't like "sports journalists" too much either.

Did An Alabama Fan Persuade Notre Dame to Join A Conference?

No. Shockingly, 'Bama fan Bisquick_in_da_MGM was unable to get Notre Dame to join a conference despite his best efforts at persuading OFD's commentariat. Incredibly, The University of Notre Dame did not immediately join a conference after Bisquick's rather forceful exhortation that it do so. No word yet on whether the University has instituted Conference-Joining Protocol Alpha, or on whether The University has gotten wind of Bisquick's suggestion, but fictitious sources have confirmed that University President John Jenkins is preparing a presentation to the Board of Directors on this very issue. Assume the foregoing to be true.

Thanks for joining our discussion, Bisquick. I'm still waiting for you to 'splain me your handle.