Five Wide Fullbacks: The End of Days Is Near

This week the Mouth discusses the impending apocalypse that Tee Shepard's departure clearly portends, and airs his grievances in light of the said impending cataclysm. If this escatology doesn't sound like it makes any sense, well then I guess you'll just have to keep reading, Doubting Thomas.

Tee Shepard is no longer enrolled at Notre Dame. The end of days is thus clearly upon us. What are you repenting for? What are your plans for our last hours on Earth?

I'm first and foremost repenting for not following my Lenten commitment to giving up college football recruiting. It may be beyond what I can realistically do for myself. Is there a 12-step program for recruiting addicts? If not, there should be.

In any event, it's fortunate that the end of times falls right around St. Patty's Day. This way we get to "party down," while observing a feast day and preparing for the Rapture. Also, I think a little Airing of Grievances is in order. I realize that this is more of a Festivus tradition, but if the end of days is truly upon us--and think about it: the "Shepard" came, but then departed from our presence--I need to get a few things off my chest.

Let the catharsis begin.

First off, I'm going to go all celebrity diva and air a grievance against commenter fishoutofwater. Who does this guy think he is? First he remixes Dylan Thomas with an ND theme, then he drops The Charge of the Light Brigade mixtape. In one comments section? And in so doing wins the internet twice? Doesn't this kid know that's my thing? Ah-ah. No way. Dealbreaker. He's on notice. Screw that, he's officially dead to me.

What else?

Ditto on Frank Grimes. I'll let his line speak for itself:

The only thing Zeke Motta does at a 4-star level is take bad angles to the football (of which he is Calvin Johnson-level).

That is straight-up cold blooded and worthy of its own internet victory. That our commentariat is trying to outshine the writers is further evident in this comment by Demos:

This is probably the only ND blog where the comments are as enjoyable and informative (if not some times more) as the actual article.

Como what? We will send our Panda legbreaker after you and your keyboard, Demos.

via media.tumblr.com

That the One Foot Down commentariat is outshining the writers in the comments is clearly a sign of the apocalypse, right?

And what about ND Hoops?

You guys crushed my hopes in the fall, only to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes and bring with you my previously-lifeless hopes. Then it all came crashing down against St. John's, Georgetown, and Louisville. But I ain't mad atcha. This season has been biscuits and a win over Xavier would be gravy. Good on ya. Let's beat Xavier. But bring your brass knuckles and switchblades in case they wanna rumble afterwards.

Finally, the One Foot Down writers had a internal roundtable discussion this week about the Fullback position. Whiskey rather foolishly postulated that if the fullback position was a beer, it would be a stout. I had to set this kid straight:

Sorry, but no, Fullback would be a 36-year-old bottle of PBR with a rusty mouth-hole that's been sitting in a drainage canal open for a good 12 years. Anything else and you might as well be at a wine-tasting, nancy. Harumph.

Whiskey is a fitting handle, because homeboy just got served with water and ice.

What say our readers? Air your grievances in good fun in the spirit of the apocalypse and St. Patty's Day. But beware--answer wrongly and your fate awaits:

This video brought to you by me, Whiskey.