A beaming Brian Kelly introduced the press and the Irish community to its newest football player today, Usain Bolt, at a press conference. Usain will take the Irish's eighty-fifth scholarship and play for Notre Dame in 2012. Kelly and OC Chuck Martin could not stop smiling. Usain answered a few questions.

Why Notre Dame?

Everyone on the island and the world knows and loves Notre Dame, mon. I love gold, you know. I also love Waterford crystal. The Irish wanted to add a bit more speed to their offense.

Could he stand up to a full-speed football hit?

Ya kidding me, right? I am 6'5", 198 # and attain full speed by my third step. My forty is 4.1. I get to put on football pads and a helmet. Ya wanna get in the way of that?

What convinced him to come?

I saw that Golden Dome, felt the love of the team and Kelly-mon, and get to run track here, too. Everyone else will be running for second, ya know. Just walkin around, you feel the luv, mon, 'specially from the Jamaica club.

When will he start practice?

I have this commitment this summer, but will arrive when that's completed.

How have the students reacted?

It's just been crazy, ya know. I've been on a high since I arrived. Everyone knows my name. I got to meet the women's basketball team and Miss Muffet. This one student was wearing a wild T-shirt.

What did it say?

On the front, mon, it read "Got Speed?" with a series of slow-motion stills of me taking off out of the blocks. On the back, mon, it read "Jamaica Irish" and "Usain is Insane".

What else does he love?

My roomie will be Gunner. Great name, eh? Kelly-mon says they will be doing away with the three step dropback offense, which takes too much time. He'll start measuring release times to determine the starting quarterback. My Mom has just fallen in love with the Irish, the students, the whole atmosphere. I'm going back to Jamaica to see who else wants to come here. Go,Irish!

Rumors around campus are that Brian Kelly has said he'll wear dreadlocks if the Irish win the National Championship and that Notre Dame is working out a member of the New Zealand All Blacks team for kicking duties.