Been Caught Stealin' (Allegedly)

Florida State suspended linebacker Arrington Jenkins this weekend after he was arrested for misappropriating and re-purposing a motorcycle that was allegedly not his own:

Jenkins was arrested Sunday in connection with a motorcycle theft that happened early that morning. The owner of the motorcycle told police that his bike was taken around 2 a.m. from the back of his truck. According to the arrest affidavit, the owner of the bike went back to the scene at about 1:30 p.m. and saw tire marks, which led to Jenkins' apartment on the same street.

With all due respect to the guy that wore his stolen boots to his robbery trial for stealing the very same boots, Mr. Arrington has got to go down as one of the stupidest alleged thieves ever.

When police were able to get in contact with Jenkins, the report says, an officer asked Jenkins if he knew why the police were at his apartment, and he said that it was about the motorcycle.

Mr. Jenkins is either (a) a newcomer to crime, (2) a newcomer to America, or (D) not a television viewer, as anyone who has seen a second of Law and Order knows that you do not cop to the crime to the police because then there's no second half of the episode--it's Law AND ORDER, Arrington,

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

So give the DA a chance to do his job, Arry. It's just more entertaining for everyone that way. And also the Fifth Amendment, or something.

Jenkins told police that he found the bike lying on the ground outside at about 12:30 a.m. and brought it inside his apartment. He said that he had not started the bike yet and did not know who it belonged to but planned to ride it that afternoon.

Ah, yes, the I-found-a-motor-vehicle-just-laying-around-out-of-doors-and-thought-that-no-one-wanted-it Defense. Interesting strategy, here. Maybe young Arrington should have asked--I don't know, maybe--ANY HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER BEEN CAUGHT STEALING, then maybe he would have discovered that this is not the best defense strategy. Take a page from Goodfellas, Mr. Jenkins:

[Take] your first pinch like a man and [...]learn two great things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.

Good advice. But has anyone ever thought to tell Jimmy Conway that these "two great things" are actually just one thing? I'm just sayin... eliminating a little excess verbiage would, I think, be a laudable pursuit for a mafioso.



I digress.

Jenkins also told police that anyone who leaves a motorcycle out in the open should expect for it to be stolen.

Of course they should. This is Being A Person 101, isn't it? It's like blocking and tackling in football. Simple fundamentals. YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR VEHICLE OUTSIDE OR IT WILL GET STOLEN AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT. Duh. What idiot parks a vehicle outside to begin with? Perhaps Young Arry says this as a Cooper Mini owner and enthusiast. You can park those inside, I think. Or maybe he's a Fiat guy. Or maybe he rolls Smart. In any event, parking outside? How daft. How un-European. Cops are so square, man.

And why shouldn't young Arrington wax philosophical? He's already spilled the proverbial beans. Why not let those coppers know that it's the victim's fault? Sounds like that guy was asking for it anyway. Mr. Jenkins is actually quite smart for getting a head start on his impending court-ordered public service by warning the community by way of its peace officers that to leave valuable automobiles lying about is to invite the criminal element into thecommunity. I wish more college football players would publicly decry the ills of crime, rather than glorify thuggery. I, for one, laud Mr. Jenkins' efforts at crime-prevention education. McGruff The Crimedog, you just got served, B.

Thanks for breaking up all this winter-time monotony, Mr. Jenkins. I leave you with an ode to getting caught in the illicit pursuit of ill-gotten gains:

Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Stealing (Video) (via warnerbrosrecords)

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