FanPost

Darth Vader Meets with Brian Kelly

Just a little bit of humor/sarcasm before the holidays...

Ever wondered why Brian Kelly was so frantic on the sidelines during the USF game? Maybe he was afraid to get a force-choke from Lord Vader.

Let's roll back the clock to when Kelly first got the job. (The following scene inspired by this.)

December 2009. Darth Vader is sitting in his chamber. Jack Swarbrick enters.

Darth-vader_medium"What is it, Director?"

Jack-swarbrick-r6m-100x100-f_medium"My lord, the program has finished another season. ESPNU has detected that we have a 6-6 record. Last year's was also 6-6, but we had a bowl win. And we lost to Michigan, USC, Navy, and Stanford."

Darth-vader_medium"The rivals are alerted to our presence. Coach Weis focused too much on scheme and not enough on fundamentals."

Jack-swarbrick-r6m-100x100-f_medium"He felt surprise was wiser--"

Darth-vader_medium"He is as clumsy as he is stupid. Director, prepare your staff for a new coach."

Jack-swarbrick-r6m-100x100-f_medium"Yes, my lord."

Swarbrick bows and exits. Darth Vader's chair turns to a video screen. The screen turns on to reveal--

Thumb"Lord Vader, we have achieved a 6-6 season, within a few years we should be able to" (gags)

Darth-vader_medium"You have failed me for last time, Coach Weis. Mr. Kelly?"

Brian Kelly steps forward.

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"Yes, my lord?"

Darth-vader_medium"Make ready our players for the upcoming season, and jump-start recruiting, so that nothing can stand in our way of getting to a National Championship. You are in command now, Coach Kelly."

Charlie Weis's throat snaps and he falls over, just as Kelly says...

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"Thank you, Lord Vader."

(And of course, we can't forget this scene.)

Two years later...

Brian Kelly stands inside the locker room. He anxiously and nervously waits as the door to the locker room slowly opens. Darth Vader enters, walks down the hallway.

Kelly folds his hands behind his back and quickly follows.

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your presence."

Darth-vader_medium"You may dispense with the pleasantries, Coach Kelly. I'm here to put you back on schedule."

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"I assure you, Lord Vader, my players are working as hard as they can."

Darth-vader_medium"Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"I tell you, this program will achieve a National Championship as planned."

Darth-vader_medium"The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation."

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium(tensely) "But he asks the impossible! I need more five-star recruits! ...and maybe less competition."

Darth-vader_medium"Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives."

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"Emperor Holtz is coming here...?"

Darth-vader_medium"That is correct, Coach Kelly. And he is Most Displeased with your apparent lack of progress."

Ndt_apr11_fs_2b_medium"We shall double our efforts!"

Darth-vader_medium"I hope so, Coach Kelly... for your sake. Lou Holtz is not as forgiving as I am."

As the Imperial March rings out, Darth Vader turns and walks away. Coach Kelly gulps and tries to keep his composure. He turns and walks out to the players on the practice field...

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