Domer Law hosts this week's Irish Blogger Gathering. The Mouth Of The South has some suggestions for Domer Law to use in marketing his law practice.
1. I'm taking an old friend of mine to the USC game. They were born and raised in South Bend near Notre Dame, and developed a dislike for the University at a young age from dealing with the frustrations and messes that come from Notre Dame home football weekends. She's never been to a Notre Dame game before (she's an Ohio State fan). We're going to go tailgate and do all the usual tailgating stuff. Any suggestions on what I could do to help her let go of her animosity towards Notre Dame?
Electroshock therapy, years of psychoanalysis, antipsychotics, a lobotomy, peyote, rehab, native-american spirituality, a tombstone piledriver, a Stone Cold Stunner, a Rock Bottom, an Attitude Adjustment, and Inquisition-style purification-something like we saw at the end of Braveheart.
But exorcism is probably your best option for helping your friend exorcise her anti-Notre Dame demons. She grew up in South Bend near Notre Dame, but dislikes ND and has never been to a home game? Does she also hate puppies, Christmas, and pizza? If she dislikes Notre Dame that much, this is going to be tough. I say start the day off by taking her out back like Ol' Yeller and putting her out of her misery, because she is a lost cause. Since Domer Law is our host this week and we're talking about his friend, he'll at least be in a better position than most to deal with the legal issues stemming from non-consensual euthanasia.Ok, seriously, take her to Bond Hall to see the band play and the Irish Guard get inspected. The Irish Guard is just sweet, but she may not want to admit it because it sounds like her heart is made of stone. What better to turn it into the heart of gold for which you as her friend are kept searching, than a Knights of Columbus steak sandwich? Or two. Yes, two's the ticket. If she's a vegetarian, see our non-consensual euthanasia suggestion, supra. She's also got to see the band march over to the stadium, led by the IG. I would recommend that you then take her to a hooligan-ish soccer-field tailgate, but, sniffle sniffle, the soccer field tailgates, coincidentally enough, have been given the Ol' Yeller treatment. Don't bring her to the Basilica yet. Do your standard tailgate deal. Go to the game. Enjoy the Irish domination. Cheer loudly. I understand that our fans' failure to do so has caused much consternation and hand-wringing among the Irish partisans of late.
Then the piece-de-resistance: post-game mass at the Basilica. I hope the night game doesn't mess that up. If there's no post-game mass because of our late start, hit CJ's for a burger or Mishawaka Brewing Company for some good grub and superlative microbrewery beer. This is not on the beaten path for those who haven't spent much time in South Bend, but you will not regret making the drive out to the BrewCo. The Wall Street Wheat Ale is a delight. Anyways, if no post-game mass, just do the 11 am mass on Sunday. If she doesn't have a good time, you can still give her the Mo Green special.
2. On a related note, do you have any suggestions for improving the Notre Dame game weekend experience generally? Are there traditions lost that you'd like to see restored, or new ideas that you'd like to see implemented to improve the gameday experience?
To improve the game weekend experience, I would suggest winning. Nothing will do more to improve the game weekend experience as a whole. We should also do something with the pep rallies. They've basically been Disney-fied, saccharine basketball-game halftime shows for as long as I can remember. Unexciting, forced, devoid of anything resembling a soul, you get the idea. Ask the players and students how they want to do it and do that. If they want it to be just them, then so be it. It should be about them and I'll feel better if I know that they're truly enjoying it, and if it's really helping the team to get into the zone.
There's nothing traditional about the atmosphere in Notre Dame Stadium. The atmosphere, I would have to think, has changed over the years just as the Notre Dame community, country, world and human race have changed. If the atmosphere sucks, why would we be so afraid to change the atmosphere with a video board? Murtaugh penned an extensive pro-video-board treatise yesterday, so I don't want to beat a dead horse.
As for restoring a tradition-other than going back to stomping everyone we face-I'd like to see the "Here Come The Irish" pregame cheer restored. This requires the fans to get to their seats early. Before the Irish come out, one side of the stadium starts cheering slowly, ominously, thunderously: "HERE COME THE IRISH." The other side responds: "HERE COME THE IRISH." And so on and so forth until the Irish storm out of the tunnel, and the bad guys realize what they're in for and wet their pants.
3. (a) USC is (and always will be) our biggest rival. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? And if you agree, why do you feel that this is such an important rivalry? (b) Rank your top 10 college football rivalries and provide justifications for each.
(a) Of course. It's the most storied rivalry in the history of the world. Way better than even Great Britain v. India, North v. South, or Tupac v. Biggie.
(b) Here are my favorite rivalries.
10. BYU-Utah/Oregon-Oregon State-You just have to love the amount of hate that two groups of fans from the same state can show for each other. So beautiful. It just brings a tear to my eye. Must move on... I'm all veclempt.
9. Clemson-South Carolina-Sissified southern gentlemen vs. manly mountain hillbillies. Mint juleps vs. moonshine. Awesome.
8. Florida-LSU-No sporting event--and no event in history for that matter--boasts a higher concentration of jean-shorted non-college-graduate college football fans. Yay-yay-yay-YEAAAAHHHHHH.
7. Michigan-Ohio State-Never have so many white tennis shoes been worn to the same game. Seriously, why do all Ohio State fans wear white K-Swiss? Weird. This one has lost some of its luster in recent years and the balance of power has really shifted to the SEC, Big 12 and PAC-10 more recently, but you just have to put Michigan-Ohio State on a list like this.
6. Stanford-Cal-Battle of the smaht kids. Trombone players getting taken out. Good stuff.
5. Miami-Florida State-Thugs, first-round NFL draft picks, what's not to like? Domer Law should charter a plane to drop a load of his business cards over the field.
4. Texas-OU-Fried butter and football. Lot of good hate here. This should be the annual site of the Haters Ball. Silky Johnston and Buck Nasty would love this game.
Player Hater's Ball (via Directorof07)
3. Army-Navy-watching the Academies play is just fun.
2. ‘Bama-Auburn-not sure why I used the apostrophe because no one in the state of Alabama even knows what one is.
1. ND-SC-What more needs to be said?
4. Southern Cal is 5-1, with their only loss on the road at Arizona State. They are unranked, sitting right behind us in the "also receiving votes" category. How good is Southern Cal this year? How do you see this game playing out?
I fear for the Trojans' lives. It is unfortunate that this game will be held at night, for the Trojans will be cast out into the darkness where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. It would be better for them if they had never been born.
5. It appears that with a win over USC, we'll re-enter the Top 25 rankings. Now that we're halfway through the season and have some actual evidence available to us from real games, how do you see the rest of the season playing out? Predict:
(a) Notre Dame's final record (indicating where we will lose if at all): 10-2, clearly. Andrew Luck is Erwin Rommel. A total badass, but he can't beat Kelly, our Patton.
(b) Notre Dame's bowl destination, opponent and outcome: I must confess that I am not the expert on the ins-and-outs, the what-have-you's, the fineries, or the vagueries of BCS bowl selection, but let's say... National Championship Game vs. LSU. What? It could happen.
(c) The BCS Championship game and result: Notre Dame 70 LSU 0.
(d) Notre Dame's final AP ranking: Is there anything better than 1? What about 0? I'll say -1, two better than 1.
(e) The winners of the major awards, including:
(i) Heisman Trophy: Andrew Luck-it will be more of a lifetime achievement award that Luck received posthumously after Te'o separates his head from his shoulders and Louis Nix then devours it whole.
(ii) Home Depot Coach of the Year-Les Miles. Crazy like a fox. The Mad Hatter might be nuts, but he can still make hats. Can you?.
(iii) Davey O'Brien Award (best QB)-Luck again.
(iv) Doak Walker Award (best RB)-T-Rich, though C-Dubs will make a case.
(v) Fred Biletnikoff Award (best WR)-I won't even dignify this question with an answer.
(vi) Chuck Bednarik Award (best defensive player)-Who do you think? Clearly Vontaze Burfict. Just kidding-Te'o of course. Honey Badger is close runner-up.